Okay...So first I should say THANK YOU to anyone who reads all of this :)...It will mean a lot to me!
I grew up with my dad who has severeeeee severe severe OCD. He's terrified of germs, getting the flu, checks things consistently, and always needs reassurance 24-7. He's deathly afraid of any illnesses (Mainly from OCD...Half because we're Irish and hypochondriacs =P) and him asking things like, "Did I bump you? are you sure? you're positive right? were you buckled in? are you sure? you said you were buckled in right?" were in everyday conversations. He always needed reassurance....I inherited his genes....ALLL OF THEM.
As I get older, everything gets worse. My whole thing has always been fear of fires. Never been in one, just petrified of them. I check the stove every night, heaters, wires, it's exhausting just thinking about it! However, it was tolerable then. Now everything is spiraling out of CONTROL!
Lately, my mind will focus on one thought...and I CANNOT get it out of my head. For instance, one time I watched a show on AIDS or something and even though I've been sexually active three times in my whole life, I was CONSUMED with fear. Get this...I did the Tarot cards, was convinced they were telling me I had HIV, so I paid TWENTY dollars for a cab (I dont drive out of fear either), just so I could go all the way to a different town 20 mins away to get tested. The thought went from one minor thought to a HUGE fear!! Of course I didn't have it. It was a ridiculous thought, but I let it consume me.
My obsessions are really embarrassing because of course my mind decides to focus on the most humiliating and gross things! (If only I could obsess over something 'normal' lol) I know this is going to sound so so so so weird, but I literally have convinced myself that I'm going to hell because when I was 13 or something I let a cat lick my boob. I REALIZE how insane that osunds, but when I'm nervous, I don't see it. I can't get it out of my head! I think I'm an awful person because of it. Now, I know, rationally, I was a young kid...curious, probably saw something online and got curious I dont even know, but I literally, 7 years later, all of a sudden OBSESS over it to the point where I will compare myself to the most evil people in the world! I've opened up to my therapist and parents and even they think I'm being irrational, and just the fact that I'm posting it in a PUBLIC forum should show how much it's consuming me!! I'll have to constantly ask my mom, "Are you sure I"m a good person? How do you know? What if you just think I am, but I'm really not? Am I as bad a rapist or murderer? Do you think God knows I'm a good person?" WHY CANT I GET THIS OUT OF MY HEAD AND ACCEPT RATIONALITY?
It doesn't matter what it is I'm obsessing over, but when I obsess over something, it totally takes over. I know that it's a symptom of my OCD because whenever I'm calm, I realize how crazy these thoughts are. But when I'm anxious...I can't get RID of them!! I wish my mind had an OFF SWITCH! grrrr!
I told my psychiatrist and we're gonna try new meds soon. I hope to God something works! I've been trying to recognize my symptoms as an illness, so I can put the thoughts to the side and assess them when I'm in a stable mindset but it is SO hard sometimes.
I totally get that this post is out of the ordinary but I know I'm not the only person with OCD whose in fear of going to hell and blah blah even though it's irrational. Please help me!