Aa
hocd and very scared
Hi I am in need of some help. I'm a married mother of a 3.5 year old daughter and have been with my husband for almost 14 years, married for almost 6. I have always been very happy with my husband, he is my best friend, the most amazing, caring and kind man in the world and I have always felt right with him. Basically I had a major melt down at the start of this year. I had left my job at the end of last year to pursue my own business and was stressing about making enough money, stressing about my daughter who I had to look after and try to manage my business from home at the same time and also highly stressed about my father in law who was living with us at the time, who I wanted gone, as I was sick of him leaving with us. I was also quite depressed sbout the fact that i am approaching 30 next year, as i feel like its an end to my youth and i will somehow how to change or act differently So basically I was diagnosed wi anxiety and depression, also undiagnosed postpartum depression too. I started seeing a psychologist and was put on antidepressants. The antidepressants really messed me up, I felt numb and wanted to kill myself. I was only on them for 2 months before I decided to seek natural alternatives. I started to get a bit better, still suffered anxiety quite a bit, but was trying to learn how to manage it. I also started trying to go out more and meet more people. I have always been an incredibly shy person, which I now realise was social anxiety, therefore I only had one or two close friends at anyone time. I also hadn't had any close female friends for years, pretty much lost all my friends after leaving high school. I have always been a natural worrier as well and freak out about everything, until I get am answer or closure.
So I was starting to get better and I noticed that something's my husband was doing We're starting to bother me. Things that had never before in the past bothered me were always coming up. I was scared because I was starting to receiver form the depression and I thought I was becoming a better person and that I didn't want to change to much, because what if he didn't become a better person with me, we might break up. My sister was telling me one day how she and her husband were not going well and then the next day I started getting anxious around my husband and then I thought oh my god what if I don't love my husband anymore? What if I've fallen out of love with him? What if I never loved him? What if I just used him becaus he was save? What if I just didn't want to be alone? It was absolutely horrible and terrifiying. I started googling how do you know if you are falling out of love? How do you know if you still love someone? I took tests to see if I still loved him. I googled so many things. I thought that if my husband didn't think of me all the time, he didn't love me. I would question everything about our relationship. I would worry everything we were together whether I was enjoying myself enough, was I feeling the way I should etc. the questions were endless. I also started obsessively thinking that if my husband and i didnt have somethign to talk about all the time, that meant there was somethign wrong i would constantly question him saying is it weird if this or that, do we need to talk or the time, if i dont do somethign with you, does that mean i dont love you i even managed to convince myself that i didnt need my husband anymore and that my dauger fulfilled all of my emotional needs and that he would be better off without me i slso started comparing pur lives to other familees, if my husband didnt do this or that like them, then we maybe we couldn't be happy. I also obsessively started looking at other womenashore had children andclocking at their wedding fingers to see if they were married or divorced and then if they didn't wear a ring, I would look to see if she was happy, to determine if I would be happier divorced. I eventually came across a website on relationship anxiety and I finally felt a little bit of relief, because it taught me that love is a choice and that if I had loved my husband and been happy before that it was not impossible to get those feelings back again. It also taught me a lot about marriage and that it isn't like Hollywood depicts. I still struggle with relationship anxiety all the time, I am trying to hush the thoughts but it is very hard. I still question about the talking, wondering whether I will be happy when my husband comes home from work or wondering if we will have fun together or if he is happy with me, if he doesn't look it all the time.
Next comes the hocd thoughts. Basically after the depression, I started to get out more with other mothers, as my psychologist told me I had to get out and make friends. So I took my daughter to dance classes and joined a coup,e of mothers groups and would obsess over making friends and then get disappointed if they didn't talk to me, and would wonder why didn't they talk to me, why don't they like me. I had never been very bothered by the fact that I didn't have any close girl friends, but she said I had to do it so I used to try imagine myself being friends with them and hanging out doing things that friends do, talking shopping, having coffee etc. I also decided to join my daughters dance class as well as they had adult hip hop classes and I thought it would be fun as I always wanted to dance and everyone was really nice. It was around this time that I started looking at all the girls in the dance class and thinking she is so good, I wish I could dance as well as her, or look as good as her. I was jealous of a lot of the girls, because they were so happy and pretty and I have always had very low self esteem and hated the way I looked. I never felt like I looked like other girls, like eh we're always so much pretty than me. I used to think that 2nd born sisters were always uglier than the first born sisters, like my older sister who was much prettier than me, so I thought that's why I was ugly. So basically there was this one day that I took my daughter to her performance at our local show and I was suffering pretty badly from rocd at this time. And we were sitting there watch the older girls dance and I remember being fixated on a couple of girls in the group and thought they were so pretty and that they were so good. And I remember thinking why do I keep looking at them. Because I always looked at those two girls thinking they were so good and pretty. Then we came home and I was watching the afternoon news which was presented by a female presenter and I remember thinking oh I like her she is pretty. Then he thought the has ruined my life cam oh my god what if I'm gay. I freaked out and got really anxious and started googling am I gay if I think a girl is pretty. Am I bisexual. I was obsessing about this and constantly googling thinking I couldn't possibly be gay, I had always dated guys. I talked it over with my husband and he didn't think I was gay, he thought I might be slightly curious but not gay. I freaked out again the next day and had a massive panic attack and thought I was going to be sick. And it basically all started from there. I constantly question every past event in my life, every relationship, every friendship, even down to every movie I watched, tv show or music I listened too trying to see if I was really gay and had just never realized. It literally feels like my whole life as I have known it has been a lie. I can't remember anything clearly anymore its like everything is clouded.
So I was starting to get better and I noticed that something's my husband was doing We're starting to bother me. Things that had never before in the past bothered me were always coming up. I was scared because I was starting to receiver form the depression and I thought I was becoming a better person and that I didn't want to change to much, because what if he didn't become a better person with me, we might break up. My sister was telling me one day how she and her husband were not going well and then the next day I started getting anxious around my husband and then I thought oh my god what if I don't love my husband anymore? What if I've fallen out of love with him? What if I never loved him? What if I just used him becaus he was save? What if I just didn't want to be alone? It was absolutely horrible and terrifiying. I started googling how do you know if you are falling out of love? How do you know if you still love someone? I took tests to see if I still loved him. I googled so many things. I thought that if my husband didn't think of me all the time, he didn't love me. I would question everything about our relationship. I would worry everything we were together whether I was enjoying myself enough, was I feeling the way I should etc. the questions were endless. I also started obsessively thinking that if my husband and i didnt have somethign to talk about all the time, that meant there was somethign wrong i would constantly question him saying is it weird if this or that, do we need to talk or the time, if i dont do somethign with you, does that mean i dont love you i even managed to convince myself that i didnt need my husband anymore and that my dauger fulfilled all of my emotional needs and that he would be better off without me i slso started comparing pur lives to other familees, if my husband didnt do this or that like them, then we maybe we couldn't be happy. I also obsessively started looking at other womenashore had children andclocking at their wedding fingers to see if they were married or divorced and then if they didn't wear a ring, I would look to see if she was happy, to determine if I would be happier divorced. I eventually came across a website on relationship anxiety and I finally felt a little bit of relief, because it taught me that love is a choice and that if I had loved my husband and been happy before that it was not impossible to get those feelings back again. It also taught me a lot about marriage and that it isn't like Hollywood depicts. I still struggle with relationship anxiety all the time, I am trying to hush the thoughts but it is very hard. I still question about the talking, wondering whether I will be happy when my husband comes home from work or wondering if we will have fun together or if he is happy with me, if he doesn't look it all the time.
Next comes the hocd thoughts. Basically after the depression, I started to get out more with other mothers, as my psychologist told me I had to get out and make friends. So I took my daughter to dance classes and joined a coup,e of mothers groups and would obsess over making friends and then get disappointed if they didn't talk to me, and would wonder why didn't they talk to me, why don't they like me. I had never been very bothered by the fact that I didn't have any close girl friends, but she said I had to do it so I used to try imagine myself being friends with them and hanging out doing things that friends do, talking shopping, having coffee etc. I also decided to join my daughters dance class as well as they had adult hip hop classes and I thought it would be fun as I always wanted to dance and everyone was really nice. It was around this time that I started looking at all the girls in the dance class and thinking she is so good, I wish I could dance as well as her, or look as good as her. I was jealous of a lot of the girls, because they were so happy and pretty and I have always had very low self esteem and hated the way I looked. I never felt like I looked like other girls, like eh we're always so much pretty than me. I used to think that 2nd born sisters were always uglier than the first born sisters, like my older sister who was much prettier than me, so I thought that's why I was ugly. So basically there was this one day that I took my daughter to her performance at our local show and I was suffering pretty badly from rocd at this time. And we were sitting there watch the older girls dance and I remember being fixated on a couple of girls in the group and thought they were so pretty and that they were so good. And I remember thinking why do I keep looking at them. Because I always looked at those two girls thinking they were so good and pretty. Then we came home and I was watching the afternoon news which was presented by a female presenter and I remember thinking oh I like her she is pretty. Then he thought the has ruined my life cam oh my god what if I'm gay. I freaked out and got really anxious and started googling am I gay if I think a girl is pretty. Am I bisexual. I was obsessing about this and constantly googling thinking I couldn't possibly be gay, I had always dated guys. I talked it over with my husband and he didn't think I was gay, he thought I might be slightly curious but not gay. I freaked out again the next day and had a massive panic attack and thought I was going to be sick. And it basically all started from there. I constantly question every past event in my life, every relationship, every friendship, even down to every movie I watched, tv show or music I listened too trying to see if I was really gay and had just never realized. It literally feels like my whole life as I have known it has been a lie. I can't remember anything clearly anymore its like everything is clouded.
I too have OCD & do question myself: why am I thinking that? why would I say that? I have come to realize that looking at another female & thinking that she is pretty or has a nice butt DOES NOT make me gay. It just makes me a person able to appreciate beauty. If you have always been attracted to men, that doesn't just go away & get replaced by a female.
You also have to ask yourself what being GAY is. It's not just thinking another female is pretty. It's LIVING w/this female as you would a man, as your partner. Would you have sex with this person, share your intimate secrets, have children with, share a home with, a shower with, cook with, grow old with? I can guarantee you, your answer is no. Finding someone of the same sex attractive or pretty is not a bad or GAY thing. men do it too, doesn't make them gay either.
You also have to ask yourself what being GAY is. It's not just thinking another female is pretty. It's LIVING w/this female as you would a man, as your partner. Would you have sex with this person, share your intimate secrets, have children with, share a home with, a shower with, cook with, grow old with? I can guarantee you, your answer is no. Finding someone of the same sex attractive or pretty is not a bad or GAY thing. men do it too, doesn't make them gay either.
Thank you so much for replying to me, your response has really helped me. I'm not seeing the psychologist anymore, she really wasn't all that much help to me anyway. And the doctor prescribed me lexapro and both the psychologist and I told her that it clearly wasn't working but she wouldn't listen. I was numb all the time and couldn't shut my thoughts off. It did get better for a bit whilst I was off the tablets but always kept coming back. Yes I agree my husband nd I did get into a rut, which probably happened last year because we were so focused on our jobs, money and trying to kick our father in law out. We have both identified this over the last couple of months and have been making a lot of progress with this, we do date night in a jar once a week, which is something I made which is a lot of fun and we are working a lot more on being nicer to each other which we are doing with the help of an awesome book about love languages. I still struggle with rocd a bit but I am learning to calm my thoughts a little bit. However, our sex life has pretty much become nonexistent since suffering from the depression and even worse when I had a lesbian thought pop into my head at the start of suffering from hocd. Ever since I have been scared to have sex for fear of something popping into my head. Every time we try to do something or even kissing sometimes, my mind try's to imagine if it was a girl, would I want that is that what I want and I have to keep trying to silence it which isn't always easy. I tried the 'whatever' approach over the last few days and making fun of it to and it is hard but I felt good that I was controlling them instead of letting them control me. I was constantly just saying whatever to anything that popped into my head or singing the black eyed peas song 'shut up'! Occasionally i would try look deeper into them but would realise what i was doing then stop. I still have problems being sround other women i keep making sure I don't look at them, or in my head I will say get away from me, don't talk to me, don't look at me etc. But I caved yesterday, I was feeling great in the morning but midway through the day, my mind picked on a past thought and tried twisting it into something else and I got depressed and couldn't stop dwelling on it and then tried to pick on other random past thoughts too. It was horrible it I felt like my husband and daughter would be better off without me, I just wished I was dead because I don't want to be having these thoughts anymore. I hate them. I am feeling better again today, but have decided to go see another doctor and talk about getting on something else.
Hi there. My first question is are you still seeing a psychologist and who prescribed the antidepressant to you since the psychologist can't do that.
In reading your post, you obviously have a lot going on in your head. That is what OCD is...crap filling our head. We don't have quiet minds. There is an ever ongoing dialogue going on up there. I counted 5 what-if statements by you in a row and I believe you Googled several different things relating to your irrational thinking. All of these are bad....bad for a person with OCD and anxiety.
Your post was rather long and so I'm going to hit up on what I can remember about it. First of all, all couples get in a rut. It is the same old same old. You my friend are in a rut. What you really need to do is figure out ways for you and your husband to get out at least once a week on a "date." When you have a child to take care of, run a business, and you are stressed all the time it is easy to forget about doing the little things. Make time! Get a baby sitter!
As far as friends go, well you addressed that with your social anxiety. But hey...you got out there didn't you! You got your daughter out and you joined a dance class. That is a tremendous success in my book. Who cares if so and so didn't talk to you. People don't automatically become friends. It takes time. Several classes maybe even over a couple years to discover that you have things in common and go out and do things together. I can honestly tell you that I can't give you the name of one girlfriend that I do things with regularly. I have friends that I text, that we children the same age and have known each other for years but they don't call me routinely to go out for coffee or lunch or anything like that. Maybe once a month for happy hour I meet up with two people. Everybody's lives are just so busy. So my suggestion...keep dancing and who cares if somebody else dances better than you.
Now on to turning 30...well we all have to age so there is no changing that. You only lose your youth if you stop doing youthful things. We are who we are and we look how we look and I think that all we can do is do the best with what we have. I'm sure you are not ugly. I consider myself average. That means that some people are going to find me attractive and others are not. Who cares. I certainly don't BUT that doesn't stop me from comparing myself to others. How a woman around my age (49) looks in her clothes, how her hair looks because let's face it...I have to work with what I have and I want to look as good as they do...or the closest I can come to it. Guess what...I'm not gay. I did have the thought once as part of my OCD and I was married at the time but it happened during a whirlwind of thoughts so it was fleeting.
Medication. I would like to know what you took. Obviously it didn't help you but there are many out there to try. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT or ERP) is invaluable and everybody with OCD should learn these strategies and if you can get by with only that then great. I am however a believe in medication and just like a diabetic who takes insulin, a serotonin lacking OCD person needs to take something to give them more serotonin. So I'm curious as to who prescribed the meds and how well you were followed. Might be worth another try because you are obviously struggling big time right now.
Lastly you are not gay. You have to realize that this is just one more thought in a whole list of irrational thoughts that you have had over your life time. It isn't any different...just comes in different wrapping paper.
So try this. Reconnect with your husband. If you are not having sex or you are having sex and it is just the same old same old...find a way to spice it up. That is what we did when I was in a sexual rut. It worked. I found out things about me that I wish I had found out when I was 20. Find a sitter...make a date night. Hell go for a sleepover at a hotel and have your daughter stay with someone...your sister maybe? Make it special.
Think about medication again and by all that is holy learn CBT! It is invaluable. Keep going to therapy and keep dancing. Do things that make you happy not because you want to meet people. The friends will come with time.
DO NOT GOGGLE! Use the "whatever" attitude. Stop yourself from using what-if statements. BREATHE!!!
Usually I read back over my post but I know this is a long one so I'm going with it. Let me know if I can be of further assistance.
In reading your post, you obviously have a lot going on in your head. That is what OCD is...crap filling our head. We don't have quiet minds. There is an ever ongoing dialogue going on up there. I counted 5 what-if statements by you in a row and I believe you Googled several different things relating to your irrational thinking. All of these are bad....bad for a person with OCD and anxiety.
Your post was rather long and so I'm going to hit up on what I can remember about it. First of all, all couples get in a rut. It is the same old same old. You my friend are in a rut. What you really need to do is figure out ways for you and your husband to get out at least once a week on a "date." When you have a child to take care of, run a business, and you are stressed all the time it is easy to forget about doing the little things. Make time! Get a baby sitter!
As far as friends go, well you addressed that with your social anxiety. But hey...you got out there didn't you! You got your daughter out and you joined a dance class. That is a tremendous success in my book. Who cares if so and so didn't talk to you. People don't automatically become friends. It takes time. Several classes maybe even over a couple years to discover that you have things in common and go out and do things together. I can honestly tell you that I can't give you the name of one girlfriend that I do things with regularly. I have friends that I text, that we children the same age and have known each other for years but they don't call me routinely to go out for coffee or lunch or anything like that. Maybe once a month for happy hour I meet up with two people. Everybody's lives are just so busy. So my suggestion...keep dancing and who cares if somebody else dances better than you.
Now on to turning 30...well we all have to age so there is no changing that. You only lose your youth if you stop doing youthful things. We are who we are and we look how we look and I think that all we can do is do the best with what we have. I'm sure you are not ugly. I consider myself average. That means that some people are going to find me attractive and others are not. Who cares. I certainly don't BUT that doesn't stop me from comparing myself to others. How a woman around my age (49) looks in her clothes, how her hair looks because let's face it...I have to work with what I have and I want to look as good as they do...or the closest I can come to it. Guess what...I'm not gay. I did have the thought once as part of my OCD and I was married at the time but it happened during a whirlwind of thoughts so it was fleeting.
Medication. I would like to know what you took. Obviously it didn't help you but there are many out there to try. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT or ERP) is invaluable and everybody with OCD should learn these strategies and if you can get by with only that then great. I am however a believe in medication and just like a diabetic who takes insulin, a serotonin lacking OCD person needs to take something to give them more serotonin. So I'm curious as to who prescribed the meds and how well you were followed. Might be worth another try because you are obviously struggling big time right now.
Lastly you are not gay. You have to realize that this is just one more thought in a whole list of irrational thoughts that you have had over your life time. It isn't any different...just comes in different wrapping paper.
So try this. Reconnect with your husband. If you are not having sex or you are having sex and it is just the same old same old...find a way to spice it up. That is what we did when I was in a sexual rut. It worked. I found out things about me that I wish I had found out when I was 20. Find a sitter...make a date night. Hell go for a sleepover at a hotel and have your daughter stay with someone...your sister maybe? Make it special.
Think about medication again and by all that is holy learn CBT! It is invaluable. Keep going to therapy and keep dancing. Do things that make you happy not because you want to meet people. The friends will come with time.
DO NOT GOGGLE! Use the "whatever" attitude. Stop yourself from using what-if statements. BREATHE!!!
Usually I read back over my post but I know this is a long one so I'm going with it. Let me know if I can be of further assistance.
I have also constantly worried for years that my husband would end up being gay too, after a comment made by someone and also watching episodes of Oprah where husbands come out. And also have convinced myself that I have bipolar, autism, ADHD or that I a narcissist, among other things.
I constantly google all the time trying to make myself feel better. I make sure I don't dress in anyway that could be considered gay, I have to make sure my legs are never apart because that would looks masculine and gay. I am constantly looking at girls to see if that's what I want. I remember freaking out big time when I read something on the Oprah website about women who leave their husbands for women and I was so worried that That would happen to me. I have never imagined myself with a girl before, only guys. By my mind is so clouded when I try to remember if I ever felt that way I'm just not sure. I had dated several boys growing up and whilst I was still very young, I can't remember ever having a crush on a girl, but again my mind keeps telling me that I really did. I even had several crushes on my male teachers and had big crushes on male pop stars. I found out that one of the guys I liked in a band actually went to the high school I was going to, so I wanted to go around and sit on every single chair in the school so I could sit on a chair that he might have sat on!
I freak out whenever I see a women that looks butch and I think she's a lesbian and try to work out if that's what I want. I was at the shops the other week and freaked out when these two lesbians were in front of me and one of them looked at me and I thought oh my god what if she thinks I'm gay
It is literally destroying my life. Sometimes I will have times when I am okay and think yeah whatever to the thoughts and then my mind will dig something and try to make me think otherwise. I also tried just accepting it recently and just saying okay I might be gay, I might always have been gay but it doesn't mean I have to leave my husband because I have been so happy with him for so long and I love him and nothing needs to change and sometimes it works for a little bit but other times I get depressed and start crying and then question why am I crying is it because that's not what I want.
I keep trying to imagine my husband as a woman to see if that's what I want. I look at pictures to see if I acted the way I should have in it, did I look gay, was I happy with him then. Just constant questions.
I get worried because apart of me has always been curious Of the unknown so I have wandered what it would be like to kiss a girl before just to see. My husband also started talking about his fantasy of a threesome with another girl years ago I tried desperately to get into the idea for him but something always had me saying no I couldn't do it. I have also watched lesbian porn with my husband and one or two times whilst I was alone because I found some on my husbands computer back when we were in university and I was curious.
I feel like I can't look at my husband the same anymore. I used to think he was so attractive and used to swoon over him in his dark sunglasses and leather jacket, but now it just feels like nothing. I freak out when Girls get to close to me, I don't even want my daughter touching me anymore. I watch very little tv now for fear of seeing something gay, I can't watch Ellen anymore or modern family. I feel like I would just be better off being alone for the rest of my life or dead. I don't want to be gay, I don't want to be with a woman. I just want to go back to being happy with my husband again
I also have realized that I have suffered from OCD most of my life. I didn't realise it until all this stuff happened. I used to obsess over my dog, couldn't leave the house til I could see she was inside, would often lock the door then unlock and go in several times to make sure she didnt get out whilst I opened the door. Had the whole stove/oven thing several times. I used to have a terrible obsession with my hair where I would do my hair in a piggy tail and then if it wasn't 100% centered on the back of my head I would take it out and do it again sometimes I would spend 20mins doing this and get so anxious and frustrated and didn't understand why it was such a big deal. I could feel if it wasn't centered on my head and I would have to check. Also with the hocd thing, I constantly have to touch myself down there to see If I get wet to the thoughts I get. I have had plenty of other obsessions as well, used to think I looked like a guy because I have a skinny neck and thought it looked like an Adams apple and used to try cover my neck and look at other people to compare. I also have an unhealthy obsession with my weight and my husband actually thinks I have an eating disorder too as I am very skinny and don't see the point in eating. But basically I obsess about everything. I worry about everything. Everyone in my family knows I am a anxious and shy person.
So basically I don't know what to do anymore. I want to just try and accept it and say okay I'm gay, but I'm scared if I do then I will discover that I really am. I want to stop the worrying and obsessing about my relationship with my husband. I want to be happy again and enjoy life. I feel like I am right where I need to be with my husband. He is the only one for me and he understands me better than anyone else in this whole world, but I'm so scared that I have just been lying to him and myself.
I freak out whenever I see a women that looks butch and I think she's a lesbian and try to work out if that's what I want. I was at the shops the other week and freaked out when these two lesbians were in front of me and one of them looked at me and I thought oh my god what if she thinks I'm gay
It is literally destroying my life. Sometimes I will have times when I am okay and think yeah whatever to the thoughts and then my mind will dig something and try to make me think otherwise. I also tried just accepting it recently and just saying okay I might be gay, I might always have been gay but it doesn't mean I have to leave my husband because I have been so happy with him for so long and I love him and nothing needs to change and sometimes it works for a little bit but other times I get depressed and start crying and then question why am I crying is it because that's not what I want.
I keep trying to imagine my husband as a woman to see if that's what I want. I look at pictures to see if I acted the way I should have in it, did I look gay, was I happy with him then. Just constant questions.
I get worried because apart of me has always been curious Of the unknown so I have wandered what it would be like to kiss a girl before just to see. My husband also started talking about his fantasy of a threesome with another girl years ago I tried desperately to get into the idea for him but something always had me saying no I couldn't do it. I have also watched lesbian porn with my husband and one or two times whilst I was alone because I found some on my husbands computer back when we were in university and I was curious.
I feel like I can't look at my husband the same anymore. I used to think he was so attractive and used to swoon over him in his dark sunglasses and leather jacket, but now it just feels like nothing. I freak out when Girls get to close to me, I don't even want my daughter touching me anymore. I watch very little tv now for fear of seeing something gay, I can't watch Ellen anymore or modern family. I feel like I would just be better off being alone for the rest of my life or dead. I don't want to be gay, I don't want to be with a woman. I just want to go back to being happy with my husband again
I also have realized that I have suffered from OCD most of my life. I didn't realise it until all this stuff happened. I used to obsess over my dog, couldn't leave the house til I could see she was inside, would often lock the door then unlock and go in several times to make sure she didnt get out whilst I opened the door. Had the whole stove/oven thing several times. I used to have a terrible obsession with my hair where I would do my hair in a piggy tail and then if it wasn't 100% centered on the back of my head I would take it out and do it again sometimes I would spend 20mins doing this and get so anxious and frustrated and didn't understand why it was such a big deal. I could feel if it wasn't centered on my head and I would have to check. Also with the hocd thing, I constantly have to touch myself down there to see If I get wet to the thoughts I get. I have had plenty of other obsessions as well, used to think I looked like a guy because I have a skinny neck and thought it looked like an Adams apple and used to try cover my neck and look at other people to compare. I also have an unhealthy obsession with my weight and my husband actually thinks I have an eating disorder too as I am very skinny and don't see the point in eating. But basically I obsess about everything. I worry about everything. Everyone in my family knows I am a anxious and shy person.
So basically I don't know what to do anymore. I want to just try and accept it and say okay I'm gay, but I'm scared if I do then I will discover that I really am. I want to stop the worrying and obsessing about my relationship with my husband. I want to be happy again and enjoy life. I feel like I am right where I need to be with my husband. He is the only one for me and he understands me better than anyone else in this whole world, but I'm so scared that I have just been lying to him and myself.
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STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Condoms are the most effective way to prevent HIV and STDs.
PrEP is used by people with high risk to prevent HIV infection.
