HOCD vs. Denial? PLEASE HELP :'(

[betheatrical123]

Hi,
I am a 13 yr old female with HOCD...I think. I've always been a worrier. I previously worried that if I didn't do certain actions repeatedly, my mom would die. I've also always had hypochondria, thinking the headache I have is really a tumor. PLUS, I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and think I'm obese when the reality is I'm too small and skinny for my age. Everyone in my family has OCD (my mom, dad, sister...even cousins). This started a little over a year ago but just recently became severe. I spend at least 8 hours a day worrying. I have always been attracted to the opposite sex and have even dreamt of having boyfriends. I never once even considered being with a same sex member until THIS kicked in. I fear being a homosexual. Every day I worry, thinking "What if I am a lesbian?" or "What if I'm attracted to my friends?" I find myself often checking if I find female celebrities more attractive than male celebrities, which I don't. When I found out that this was a common OCD worry, I was surprised. I've had OCD before, just in different forms. I was very relived and for some reason, expected the unwanted thoughts to disappear. Stupid me...having OCD previously should have allowed me to know that it is NEVER that easy. Sometimes I worry about having a crush on my best friend, but I think it's just because we are so close. I have always found girls pretty, but cannot imagine marrying one or being intimate with one in any way, shape, or form. I dream of marrying a MAN and having 2 kids and a white Pickett fence: the typical American dream. However, no matter how often I convince myself how stupid these worries are, they ALWAYS come back. I actually FEAR being a lesbian. I don't fear the social implications, I just fear being one. I don't want to be one. I don't think I am, but I always have this tiny voice inside my head saying "Well, what if you are?" I recently told my dad about this worry and he said he suffered from it as well when he was younger. I find myself checking, and checking, and rechecking but nothing helps, at least not permanently. I find being with boys appealing, and do not get an pleasure from thinking about being intimate with a girl. I have had crushes on boys before (even this year) and find celebrities (like Zac Efron <3) very hot. Whenever I have a crush on a boy, I get all nervous around him. When I'm around the girls I WORRY about liking, I'm my normal self, no different at all. Sometimes, I have impulses to kiss my friends and they make me anxious, even though I realize impulses are just part of OCD. Sometimes I'll even think "Well, if I pull out a purple hair tie, I'm a lesbian." Then when I do, I flip out and begin to cry. My brain is controlling me and I don't know what to do. Do you think I'm actually a lesbian or do you think its just OCD? What should I do about this?   I just wish I could stop worrying.... *sigh* Today my mom asked me if it was possible that I was a lesbian, and I flipped out and began crying. Please help! :(

[betheatrical123]

Hi,
Thank you! Regarding what my other family members did:
My mom sort of lived with it and although she still has it, it weakened over time. My dad read books after books on getting rid of it and eventually managed to overcome it. And my sister, unfortunately wasn't strong enough to overcome it and had to be put on medication. My parents are discussing bringing me to a physiologist to get prescribed for something, as this fear takes up 8 hours of my day... Thanks again!!!

[JGF25]

Hi there and welcome to the OCD forum.  

OCD has been found to run in families, passed on through the genes.  So you having OCD is really no surprise given the fact that a good number of your family members have it as well.  

You have to know that this is just one more irrational thought in a whole long line of irrational thoughts and worries that you have gone through.  It is perfectly natural to compare ourselves to the same sex which is why we look to begin with.  Trust me, I still do it and I'm 47.  

So to answer you question, I don't think you are gay.  I think just like you said your brain is controlling you.  Have you seen a child psychologist before regarding your other compulsions?  What does your family do to help themselves?  Do they see somebody?  If anyone should understand, it should be them so ask them to help you make an appointment.  

Take care.