Paralyzed by fear

[Worriedkid86]

As far as I can remember I've been attracted to girls I've had 3 girlfriends in the past I was curious when I was young I did something's I'm not proud of as far as I can remember my memory is gone anyways me and mates went out 1 night I had a homo thought about him I panicked and didnt do it then I woke up next morning with anxiety thinking why did I think that then I thought what if I'm gay or wow I'm gay I told my mum I think I'm gay she said I still love u if u r but ur not I put up with it for a while then went to a dr and told her I had a homo thought about my mate she said do u want to be gay I said I don't think it's my thing and she said anxiety and gave me Meds then I started doing crotch checking to see if I'm aroused I would look at guys crotches and see if I'm aroused then I'd get images of people naked in my head when I look at em so I started to look up stuff on the net and I read OCD symptoms and they sounded like mine reassurance unwanted images unwanted urges mentally checking things I was Pretty certain I had it so I went back to the dr and said I think I have OCD and told her unwanted thoughts and stuff she diagnosed me with OCD so I went home and started doing ERP therapy by myself pretty sure it was working for a while but yesterday I walked passes a male and my mind thought he's cute now it's 20 times worst it's convinced that I'm gay and want to be I'm so worried that I don't know if I'm fearing it or not im stuck in bed don't wanna get out I've had suicidal thoughts coz I just don't know nemore as far as I can remember I had traits of OCD I would lock the door walk off and forget if I locked it or not I would go back then re lock it and say ok I locked the door then I had a thought that I thought I was a pedo I'd get unwanted thoughts about that now I'm convinced I'm gay I had a gay thought before and it made me kinda happy I think coz I just want to get rid of this gay porn dosnt turn me on but lesbian porn does when I ask my head do I want to be gay the answer is always unsure but I get rapid heart rate hot flashes and sweaty what is happening

[surge82619]

I dont know theres more to why i think this way.

[surge82619]

WOW you guys are so ******* cool!!!!!!!! I am so glad icame across this page. I cant believe there are other people like me. Worried Kid. I have the same thing happen but with butts. I remember when i was 19 i lost a lot of weight and girls started to be a ttracted to my butt because i have a really strong lower body. I dont know i think it became an obsession and now its like every once in a while whenever im nervous, if i look at a guys butt by accident( i dont know maybe im comparing) i think that everyone around me notices and thinks im gay. so then i have to realize that since npeople cant read my thoughts..... they dont know what i was thinking. Its so weird because for some reason i gfeel as if they knew and could discern waht was going on. I dont know why i get so paranoid.

[JGF25]

I'm sorry that I cannot be of more help to you.  I have completely exhausted my cache of ideas.  I can reassure you a million times and I don't think it will help.  You need to speak to a professional.  I will leave your newest post alone and see if somebody else responds.  Good luck.  

[Worriedkid86]

It's weird sometimes I know I'm straight sometimes I think I'm gay sometimes I think I want to be gay but thinking gay stuff makes me gag and almost spew is this OCD trying to trick me

[JGF25]

If you have been on 100 mg of zoloft for at least 4 to 6 weeks, the I would say this medication is not working for you and it may be time to switch to another.  This would be something you have to talk to your doctor about.  You should not be in this state of mind if the medication is working well for you.  

[Worriedkid86]

Im on 100mg last night I mentally checked all night everytime I pictured gay stuff I coughed/gag/dryheave the last time I did it I actually threw up also I leak out of nowhere is this normal and on a 2nd note yesterday I knew I had OCD but when I woke up today it's back to saying ur gay u want to be with a man just coz u gag when picturing gay stuff dosnt mean u have to do stuff with ur lover

[JGF25]

You have SCREAMING OCD...I promise you.  You are in no way, shape or form gay.  How much Zoloft are you taking and how long have you been taking it?  

And as for your friend...he is your best friend and he left.  You are going to miss him, that is why you had that thought.  Think about girls, we hug and kiss all the time.  Doesn't mean we are gay.  It is a stereotype that guys cannot show emotion.  Well guess what, we are all human.  You have emotions and boom, the thought popped into your head that "hey, I'm going to really miss my friend."  It is all very natural.  

Let me know about the zoloft.  

[Worriedkid86]

I figured out its probably just OCD ****** with me so I started do the whatever attitude when the thoughts come I just say whatever stupid thought but I'm leaking pre *** for no reason can anxiety make you leak coz ur panicking and it's sending you a signal in ur body

[Worriedkid86]

Here's my story exactly my life
Ok well here's my history mate committed suicide gf broke up with me nan died pop died best mate moved overseas for 2 years mum almost died here's my story I've always been attracted to female I had my 1st gf in primary school didn't really know about love or attraction back then highschool came I liked a girl called Iona I thought she was cute I met this girl online who lived near me who I lost my virginity to then college came I was single til end of college then after college I was to this girl online we started to talk online over the phone and webcam and she said a dude sent her a naked pic I asked her to send it to me I don't know why I think becoz I wanted a pic to send to chicks instead of mine coz I just looked at it then closed it str8 away I also used to on chat pretend to be a girl guy will be talkin dirty to me and I'll be like hahaha I'm a guy for trickery I think neways I asked the girl to come down and meet me she did we had sex alot then she went back home and broke up with Me I was devistated I cryed then my mate that I used to go on roadtrips with commited suicide I balled my eyes out and did weights to work threw the pain then my best mate that helped me threw that is moving away for 2 years we went out with a group of mates that night for his farewell party I had a thought about him that I wanted to kiss him on the cheek I was fairly drunk ive only had 3 gay thought in my life one when I was around 8 another at 18 and now 25 I panicked thinking wtf then I went home and woke up with anxiety thinking why did I think that then I thought what if im gay i worried over this for half a year asking do u think I'm gay I told my mum I thought I think I'm gay she said if u r it's ok but she knows I'm not that relieved me for a day then it came back next day so I decided to see a dr she said anxiety and gave me low dose of drugs so I went home then started the looking up naked pics and seeing if I was aroused by it then came looking at guys crotches to see if I was aroused by it then came the lookin at guys my mind will picture them naked and I'll be lookin at sum1 and think why am I lookin at him and turn away so I looked up unwanted thoughts on google and read about Hocd and read about doubting and stuff so I went to drs again and said I think I have OCD she said why I said doubting my sexuality and unwanted thoughts she diagnosed with OCD but I still doubted the dr tho she gave me low dose of zoloft thought I was goin fine Til 3 days ago walked past a guy and my thought he was cute then I came home had a bath and thought maybe I want to be gay and can't accept it or something I broke down and cryed I was so tired I couldn't move I layer in bed all day now I'm thinking back to being maybe I'm bi then came to lookin at guys kissing to see if I get aroused i didnt then looking at lesbian porn lesbian porn got me hard as and mentally picturing homo erotica stuff makes me cough/gag but sometimes it don't I hAd a thought of 2guys runnin a beach and it made me smile I think it's just coz I was happy in the thought that made me smile then I read something on yahoo answers that made my ears started burning Igot really hot burning and heat flah sweatun from the forehead needed a cold towel I'm really confused

[JGF25]

Your statement of "girl on girl gets me hard and naked guy does nothing for me" speaks volumes to me.  This is the thing about OCD.  When we have the thought that we know in our heart is irrational, we need closure.  When we don't get that closure, the thought stays.  That is why we spend our time trying to prove or disprove the thought.  You are stuck right now on this one particular thought.  For me when I get one of them resolved, another just takes its place.  So I have to be on medication and use my CBT to live a normal life.  You have nothing to worry about as far as the therapist.  You have OCD and the treatment options are great.  Remember, I have been where you are.  I have thought things that I cannot even mention because they were so awful.  But I'm here today, not OCD free because that isn't possible for me, but I'm doing really well on medication.  When the irrational thoughts come into my head, I can let them go now.  When the panic attack starts, I can breath my way right out of it.  I'm not scared anymore.  Please talk to her about treatment options.  

You can do this and I promise you won't be sorry you went to talk to someone.

[Worriedkid86]

Im seeing a therapist next week but im worried what she's gonna say it's up to the point that it's in my head all the time tryin to convince me that I want to be with a man but I've been told that Hocd makes u believe that ur attracted the same sex cOz convincing u r gay and wanting to be is the same thing really I read an article on brain pshysics that u know early age if your gay it's like my heads gay and my body is str8 coz girl on girl gets me hard and naked guy does nothing for me

[Worriedkid86]

So do u reckon OCD has ****** with they way I think

[JGF25]

You are driving yourself nuts here and making yourself sick at the same time.  It is obvious to me you are not turned on by guys but you keep analyzing it.  I know it is hard to let it go but you have to try.  You have to say STOP in your head or even outload when the thought pops into your head.  Don't let it take on a life of its own.  The more you fight it rather than just saying "whatever, that's a stupid thought" the more it is going to hang around and bug the crap out of you.  If you are to the point where you cannot function in your day-to-day life, then you really, really need to go to a psychologist/psychiatrist.  You need to start treatment so that you can get past this.  By some of the words you use I'm guessing you are overseas.  If you cannot get to a psychologist or psychiatrist because of socialized medicine, then your general doctor is the next best place to start.  Please be proactive in this.  I hate to see you suffering.  

[Worriedkid86]

You know if I was really gay or wanting it to be I wouldn't have rapid heart burning ears boiling temperature sick and dizziness I would feel good about it and I still do mentally and psycical checking when I picture that stuff u did it makes me cough which I think a gag thing  but sometimes it dosnt I think if it OCD its just confused the hell out of my everything I've never ever been attracted to guys when I was young I had friends and I love em but not in that type of way I've always considered myself str8 up until that night at the club where I had thought/urge to givin my Mate a kiss I'm not sure where coz I can't even think back to that long coz when I try to remember things my head puts false memories in my head when this 1st happened I had what if I'm gay thought  and now it's gone what if I want to be gay but I don't think I really do like if push came to shove you know I still get turned on by girl on girl and when I watch guy on guy nothin happens movement down there but I've heard of groinal responses but not hard like girl on girl and when I look at naked dudes also nothing is it possible that OCD has just ****** with my thinkin so much that I think I want this

[Worriedkid86]

Because I don't think people who are gay or really want to wont have burning ears boiling temperature sick and dizziness like I couldn't even get out of bed yesterday I couldnt even close my eyes without gettin dizzy my mum had to wash my hair in the bath u know how embarrassing that is

[Worriedkid86]

Ok but it went from thinking I'm gay to thinking I want to be how do I combat that thought obviously something is going on with me coz burning ears boiling temperature sick in stomach and dizzy isn't normal for that thought unless I'm worried about it

[JGF25]

I'm so sorry that I confused you and obviously made you upset.  I do not think for a second you are gay.  I think it is entirely HOCD.  In my first post to you I gave you one strategy that I used to combat irrational thoughts.  Another is journaling.  Write down the negative thought you have and then replace it with a positive one.  So for instance you write "I just looked at a guy and I'm afraid I am gay" and you replace that with "I have always had girlfriends and I enjoy being with them therefore I am not gay."  I know it sounds like a lot of work but it is going to take work on your part to get over this.  

I still think that you could benefit from therapy again and possibly going back on the meds.  It sure helped me.  

[Worriedkid86]

Wow I thought u meant the opposite in your other post can u help me get threw this OCD or whatever it is I think it's just OCD turned my life upside down and now I'm confused of which way is up can OCD do that

[JGF25]

If I was a betting person, I'd put my money on OCD and you not being gay.  Just my own personal opinion from what you have written.  

[Worriedkid86]

Wow that spiked me got burning ears real hot temperture sick in the stomach and dizzy I've had gfs and sex with them and enjoyed it but now I dunno nemore ever since the incident I've always thought I was str8 and before I knew it was OCD because I did the checking  reasurring mentally checking but not nemore can OCD just confuse your life and turn it around on it's head I've never been attracted to guys in my young life

[JGF25]

No, I don't think it works that way.  The thoughts are not going to make you want to be gay other than what you said about wanting to be gay so this can be over.  

There is nothing wrong with being gay.  Most gay and lesbian men and women knew very early on that they were attracted to the same sex.  Usually they know it in elementary school.  I'm not saying that it doesn't happen later in life though.    My personal opinion as a scientist, and of course people will disagree with me and that is fine, but I think that our true sexual orientation is genetic.  But I don't discount the environment totally in that trauma and abuse can make a person change their thinking about who they want to be with.  

I think that talking to a therapist again may help you.  After a while I think we get so caught up in the thinking process that we don't know which way is up anymore.  I hope you can figure this one out without stressing yourself too much.

[Worriedkid86]

Does OCD make you feel like you want to be gay coz it went from thinking I was gay to thinking I want to be gay

[JGF25]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  You do sound like to me as if you have OCD so I agree with you about that, i.e., the checking, the doubting, etc.  There is something called HOCD.  You may have come across that in your internet searches.  This is where homosexuality is one of many irrational thoughts that people with OCD have.  

Admitting out loud that you are gay just to get rid of the thought doesn't make it so.  We are either gay or we are not.  Ask yourself, is having sex with another man a turn on for you or does it completely turn you off?  Don't second guess it.  Just picture it in your mind and what reaction do you get?  Is it you or is it not you?  

For me, when I had this particular thought, I was married.  It was just one of many OCD irrational thoughts I was going through during my crisis.  I did a kind of exposure therapy to all of the thoughts I was having, for example, being a lesbian or hurting those I love.  I would go into a dark room and picture myself hurting the people I love or being a lesbian.  When I pictured these things I realized these are not things I would have ever acted on.  They were simply not who I was and I was able to let go of them.  I'm not saying they go away for good.  When they came back, I would just do the same thing again.

The more you fight something rather than just adopting the "whatever" attitude, the worse the OCD gets.  You are desperately trying to prove or disprove your irrational thoughts, i.e., the crotch checking, the porn watching.  It just becomes a viscious cycle.  Simply put, we read way too much into a glance or a thought but it is how our minds operate and so we need to fix that part of our brain that is not functioning properly.  

You mentioned meds at one point.  What did you take and how long did you take it?  Also, I think It is hard to learn behavioral therapy by yourself.  It is best done with the help of a psychologist.  

My honest opinion is that you are not gay.  That you are suffering from HOCD right now.  And that you would most likely benefit from medication.  I will share that I learned CBT years ago and I also take medication.  I use both to combat my OCD and I am able to have a normal life.  

You don't have to live with this, I promise you that!  There is no reason to take any drastic measures even though at this moment you feel hopeless.  We have all been there, everyone with OCD has been there.  We have OCD, it causes anxiety, and then it leads to depression.  Who wouldn't be depressed having to deal with stupid thoughts day in and day out.  So please go back to the doctor and ask about getting back on meds if you are off of them or upping them if you are on them.  

Let me know if you need to talk further.  I have been where you are and I know for a fact that you don't have to live your life with out of control OCD.