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Try 2 time suicide because of TOCD

Hi iam 21 years boy who is straight for life have gf in 7years old started watching porn at 8 years old always wants to **** girl then at age of 14 and 15 I started think how girl enjoy sex then I mastubate thinking iam girl not always but I do that stuff only when I tried masturbating thinking iam.man and **** a girl..     overall I gave my self 2 ways of mastubating  you know both now sometimes I used to wear women stuff when I became girl.only for sex but that's very rare thing I do  and these things have no motive just to enjoy apart this I know. Always iam.a man who.love girl.i wanted to be a billionaire man and wanted to die while ****.girl ....but then the age of 21 now  I have get hocd because of this then it turns tocd I know iam not trans not even a gay but my old stuff what I do in 14 to 20 age that sex stuff only for fun . But these stuff gave me hocd and tocd I tried 2 time suicide but I couldn't help me iam ready to die but dont wanna became a trans or gay plz help plz help  I just wanna here from you guys that what I did in 14 to 20 has no matter with my sexualities  iam still a man help help
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Avatar universal
First of all, and I keep saying this, you don't have OCD.  You have a phobia about gay and trans people.  You probably have a bias against them even if it's hidden deep inside of you.  Otherwise, you wouldn't care if you were gay or trans, you just would be or not be.  In essence, you seem to have an obsession with sex and an anxiety problem.  The first, well, that's pretty common, but any obsession can get the better of you and dominate your life.  The second seems pretty clear and therapy can help with that.  People have all kinds of fantasies about sex but most don't talk about them.  We all have things that turn us on, and some are more socially acceptable than others even if they are pretty benign.  Maybe you can also use this to learn more about a life, as becoming a billionaire isn't really an ambition.  Making something tremendous that earns you that is one thing; just wanting to be one is another entirely.  Use this both to get over your obsessive and anxious thinking but also as a growing tool, because life comes at you fast and is much more a curving thing than a straight line for most of us.  Peace.
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973741 tn?1342342773
I am sorry to hear that.  Do you live somewhere that mental help is available?  If you are contemplating suicide even a little bit, it's time to get some help.  I know that some places this is forbidden but there has to be some help out there.  EVEN an international online help website.  Let us know how we can help you.

Lots of people have thoughts and even do things that are something that feels 'wrong' to them.  We learn from that.  If you are gay, there is NO shame.  You may live somewhere that it is forbidden.  I hope not.  But please know that just thinking about someone of the same sex, masturbating to thoughts of that are not sins nor does it mean you are gay.  Bisexuality also exists.  I gather you may live someplace that doesn't look kindly on those of different sexual orientations.  Frankly, within a family anywhere, even more open countries, can have that situation.  So, please know we are here to talk to you.  You can speak freely.  We want to help.
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