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Violent/morbid intrusive thoughts
Hi all
I'm currently struggling with some unwanted, intrusive thoughts. They are morbid, violent, abhorrent thoughts (not urges) that will creep into my mind from time to time. They happen in crowded settings, empty hall ways, and even worse around corners or tight corridors. They can also happen when I'm doing nothing and sitting at my desk. These intrusive, unwanted thoughts involve anything terrible you can think of including: raping/murdering/dismembering people, but especially children/babies, the most atrocious and despicable crimes I can think of (my OCD always hits below the belt). I would note that I would NEVER do any of these things. If the thought is vivid enough, or has enough detail, I will obsess that I've actually committed the act that I'm obsessing about in my thought, and will go back and check to see if I've done it. Obviously, I never find anything. This form of OCD is the ugliest for me, as it's particularly difficult to resist checking, as it involves thoughts of harming others, something I can't live with.
In addition to these intrusive thoughts, I often have inappropriate thoughts while using Facebook. It's the worst around pictures of small children/babies. My fear of typing something terrible in a comments box or tag form that would get me into serious trouble causes me to obsessively check this as well. It's crippling sometimes.
I don't want to deal with this crap anymore. I should be happy, just landed a great job at an awesome company, making more money than I ever have before, yet I can't seem to shake these stupid intrusive thoughts completely. Anybody else go through this? I know what I have to do (ERP) but it's hard. I need some support from people who have overcome similar stuff.
I'm currently struggling with some unwanted, intrusive thoughts. They are morbid, violent, abhorrent thoughts (not urges) that will creep into my mind from time to time. They happen in crowded settings, empty hall ways, and even worse around corners or tight corridors. They can also happen when I'm doing nothing and sitting at my desk. These intrusive, unwanted thoughts involve anything terrible you can think of including: raping/murdering/dismembering people, but especially children/babies, the most atrocious and despicable crimes I can think of (my OCD always hits below the belt). I would note that I would NEVER do any of these things. If the thought is vivid enough, or has enough detail, I will obsess that I've actually committed the act that I'm obsessing about in my thought, and will go back and check to see if I've done it. Obviously, I never find anything. This form of OCD is the ugliest for me, as it's particularly difficult to resist checking, as it involves thoughts of harming others, something I can't live with.
In addition to these intrusive thoughts, I often have inappropriate thoughts while using Facebook. It's the worst around pictures of small children/babies. My fear of typing something terrible in a comments box or tag form that would get me into serious trouble causes me to obsessively check this as well. It's crippling sometimes.
I don't want to deal with this crap anymore. I should be happy, just landed a great job at an awesome company, making more money than I ever have before, yet I can't seem to shake these stupid intrusive thoughts completely. Anybody else go through this? I know what I have to do (ERP) but it's hard. I need some support from people who have overcome similar stuff.
Hello I don't know if you still need any help or support but il try anyway.
I have suffered with morbid obsession my whole life on a daily basis and as far as I know I always have I had never heard of it until I was 19 so had to live and come to terms with with the fact that I was an evil person who could not control the thought which I mistook for desire and anxiety which I mistook for evil rage my whole child hood which caused me to try and take my life at 7.
I never confided or felt I could ever tell anyone as I would be taken away.
The years and years went past and I became more alienated and withdrawn from family and friends no one could tell how much mental pain and distress I was going through until I was empty the daily battle of thinking (at a very fast rate) and silently obsessing on why I was such a nice good person who had such a black soul I even remember thinking I was possessed (probably still do a little tbh) eventually at 19 enough was enough I had one unwanted distressing forced and persistent image to many and snapped and had a break down and ended up being asked to be voluntarily section (it's not really voluntary if you refuse they section you anyway).Believe it or not I really wanted and needed the support just to be able to off load the years of torment on to someone that a. Would listen and b. Wasn't emotionally attached to me.
I was placed on respiradon (anti psychotics), anti depressants a anti anxiety tablets and visited a psychiatrist once a month for 5 years and I don't think they helped much but I do think they slowed everything down enough for me to help myself.
This is what I found. With the route of the problem being a chemical imbalance in the brain mainly serotonin I think the technique of facing you fears being a short term problem and potentially dangerous as I found once I'd obsessed over a thought or image to the point that it doesn't cause anxiety had a toughening affect making you slightly the person you don't want to be and then once the theme doesn't have the desired affect no more you still have a chemical imbalance and the brain will find another image or thought to obsess and stress over which is a little bit worse than the previous. Over and over you get tougher and tougher until nothing disturbs you no more and you feel cold inside which thank God I'm a compassionate person so I still couldn't harm anyone.
To this day I still have the thoughts the battles I'm 34 now and have a great job and a loving family and kids (that also show signs of having the same traits) but one bit of advice change everything and il share it with you and I hope it helps you deal with your demons.
We all have a conscience and a sub conscience. you can hear your conscience (the little voice in tour head) and the sub con can only communicate via images feelings (the feeling in the pit of your stomach that's usually right). Well if you suffer from morbid obsession you have a nervous sub conscience for some reason it's alway on alert always ready and is basically like your nervous little brother who follows you around saying what if this happens, what do I do if this happens, becareful this might happen .... Ect but because the can't communicate these fear through words or sounds it does it through images and feelings and is very persistent and I've found if you tell yourself this and think about it you'll realise that you and you sub conscience are the least likely person to do any of these thing it's just a chemical imbalance which make the silent part of you nervous.
I hope this has helped at least one person as it's the first time I've ever wrote this sort of thing down and tbh has help me alittle as writing therapy and cognitive therapy can work wonders for helping to come to terms and deal with the fact that this you for ever it will get easier but will never go away.
Take care.
If you ever need a chat about it you can message me anytime
I have suffered with morbid obsession my whole life on a daily basis and as far as I know I always have I had never heard of it until I was 19 so had to live and come to terms with with the fact that I was an evil person who could not control the thought which I mistook for desire and anxiety which I mistook for evil rage my whole child hood which caused me to try and take my life at 7.
I never confided or felt I could ever tell anyone as I would be taken away.
The years and years went past and I became more alienated and withdrawn from family and friends no one could tell how much mental pain and distress I was going through until I was empty the daily battle of thinking (at a very fast rate) and silently obsessing on why I was such a nice good person who had such a black soul I even remember thinking I was possessed (probably still do a little tbh) eventually at 19 enough was enough I had one unwanted distressing forced and persistent image to many and snapped and had a break down and ended up being asked to be voluntarily section (it's not really voluntary if you refuse they section you anyway).Believe it or not I really wanted and needed the support just to be able to off load the years of torment on to someone that a. Would listen and b. Wasn't emotionally attached to me.
I was placed on respiradon (anti psychotics), anti depressants a anti anxiety tablets and visited a psychiatrist once a month for 5 years and I don't think they helped much but I do think they slowed everything down enough for me to help myself.
This is what I found. With the route of the problem being a chemical imbalance in the brain mainly serotonin I think the technique of facing you fears being a short term problem and potentially dangerous as I found once I'd obsessed over a thought or image to the point that it doesn't cause anxiety had a toughening affect making you slightly the person you don't want to be and then once the theme doesn't have the desired affect no more you still have a chemical imbalance and the brain will find another image or thought to obsess and stress over which is a little bit worse than the previous. Over and over you get tougher and tougher until nothing disturbs you no more and you feel cold inside which thank God I'm a compassionate person so I still couldn't harm anyone.
To this day I still have the thoughts the battles I'm 34 now and have a great job and a loving family and kids (that also show signs of having the same traits) but one bit of advice change everything and il share it with you and I hope it helps you deal with your demons.
We all have a conscience and a sub conscience. you can hear your conscience (the little voice in tour head) and the sub con can only communicate via images feelings (the feeling in the pit of your stomach that's usually right). Well if you suffer from morbid obsession you have a nervous sub conscience for some reason it's alway on alert always ready and is basically like your nervous little brother who follows you around saying what if this happens, what do I do if this happens, becareful this might happen .... Ect but because the can't communicate these fear through words or sounds it does it through images and feelings and is very persistent and I've found if you tell yourself this and think about it you'll realise that you and you sub conscience are the least likely person to do any of these thing it's just a chemical imbalance which make the silent part of you nervous.
I hope this has helped at least one person as it's the first time I've ever wrote this sort of thing down and tbh has help me alittle as writing therapy and cognitive therapy can work wonders for helping to come to terms and deal with the fact that this you for ever it will get easier but will never go away.
Take care.
If you ever need a chat about it you can message me anytime
Ahhh...checking I know it well. I was afraid I would burn the house down so now when I turn something off I say out loud "The iron is off" or "The stove is off" and when I get that urge to run back I don't because then you are just giving in. I remember that I said it was off or even that the "door is locked." That is the whole key...not checking. You know it is a fiction and so therefore you must treat it as such and not give in. This is also where self-coaching can help you. Yell at yoursel if you have to. Yes...if you are taking 200 mg of Zoloft for more than 6 weeks and you are not seeing a benefit then you need to discuss this with your doctor.
I will also bump to the top of the forum my post about "A Horrific Thought in Pure-O" so that you can see how your checking is actually keeping the OCD going and going and going.
I will also bump to the top of the forum my post about "A Horrific Thought in Pure-O" so that you can see how your checking is actually keeping the OCD going and going and going.
Thanks so much for your reply. I'm definitely struggling with it. I know exactly what I have to do, but doing it SO SO difficult. I go and check, 1, 2, 3, times to see if I've committed the act, feel satisfied that I haven't, go inside, shut the door, and the second I have another vivid violent thought, I'm COMPELLED to go check again. I hate it. I'm on Zoloft 200mg right now, so I may need to change meds. I feel weak like I can't resist these stupid compulsions to check.
Hi there. I completely understand where you are coming from. I had similar thoughts years ago. You are right...we key in on the most horrible thoughts because well let's face it...they are things that are not acceptable by society and the penalties are harsh. I mean if you are going to catastrophize we might as well go to the nth degree right!
Anyway...you are right in that people with this thought pattern don't carry out the thought so that in itself should make you feel better. For myself, part of my therapy was to go into a dark room, close my eyes, and picture myself carrying out the thought. After doing this for a while I realized that it wasn't something I would ever do and so the fear was taken away from the thought and the thought went bye-bye. Of course, because I was not completely well, other thoughts would replace it.
So my suggestion to you since you have everything else going well in your life is to see a psychologist. That is your starting point...the ERP that you talked about. Then from there you can decide if medication is an option for you. I happen to be a fan of medication. I do use my CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) that I learned but I do take medication. I have done it both ways...on and then off for a number of years and then on again. The battle is always there when we are off medication, maybe not too bad, but there nonetheless. Then boom...something sends you over the edge and you are not able to cope any longer. If you really want to get better then see the psychologist, learn ERP (CBT), and discuss whether medication is for you. It is so very hard to get out of this pattern of thinking by yourself.
Anyway...you are right in that people with this thought pattern don't carry out the thought so that in itself should make you feel better. For myself, part of my therapy was to go into a dark room, close my eyes, and picture myself carrying out the thought. After doing this for a while I realized that it wasn't something I would ever do and so the fear was taken away from the thought and the thought went bye-bye. Of course, because I was not completely well, other thoughts would replace it.
So my suggestion to you since you have everything else going well in your life is to see a psychologist. That is your starting point...the ERP that you talked about. Then from there you can decide if medication is an option for you. I happen to be a fan of medication. I do use my CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) that I learned but I do take medication. I have done it both ways...on and then off for a number of years and then on again. The battle is always there when we are off medication, maybe not too bad, but there nonetheless. Then boom...something sends you over the edge and you are not able to cope any longer. If you really want to get better then see the psychologist, learn ERP (CBT), and discuss whether medication is for you. It is so very hard to get out of this pattern of thinking by yourself.
To clarify, these thoughts are NOT desires, fantasies, or urges. They are 110% UNWANTED. I am a very non-violent person.
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