What is wrong with me? Do I sound like an anxiety/ocd sufferer or lesbian to you?

[photographydreams25]

I'm 19 & for the past year I have been obsessively worrying about whether I am a lesbian or not.
Ever since I was younger, I have had this attatchment to women who I think are pretty. I either imagine them as my Mum, or imagine them comforting me and caring for me in a protective way.
I also admire and idolise a lot of pretty women and try to be like them, and imagine them taking care of me in a NON SEXUAL/NON ROMANTIC WAY.

I used to always imagine being in a relationship with a guy, even though I never have before.
I even masturbated to the thought of sex with guys, talked dirty and got turned on with guys online, and look up sex positions and masturbate to the thought of sex with guys.
Now, whenever I see I guy, I feel sick with anxiety, scared that I won't be attracted to them because i'm scared I am a lesbian.
Since I started worrying I have made myself imagine kissing girls, and now the thoughts are becoming intrusive.
When I was around 14, me & my friends always used to show eachother our 'private parts.' I remember only doing it to compare my body to theirs, but I don't know why they did it. I never remember being aroused by it.

Also when I was about 12, me, my sister and our two guy friends used to play strip poker, where we showed eachother our private parts. I remember being fascinated by my guy friends' penis, and wanting him to show me more of it. Wouldn't that be an early indicator that i'm straight?

I'm 19, every attatchment I have had to a women, has been emotional. I have imagined teachers being my mother, celebrities being my mom or mentor and caring for me, and nurses caring for me.
The one thing is, I always see these women as pretty too.

Not once throughout my highschool/ teen years or childhood, had I imagined, or fanatsized about any of my friends or any women sexually. I notice other pretty girls, but what young teen/adult doesn't? I see my sister and cousin looking at other girls all the time.
If I was a lesbian, do you think I would have had at least one sexual/romantic thought about women?

I'm 19 and have ocd & anxiety

[Corlen]

Just posted my own and thought I'd drop by and read yours. Before I say anything I just want to say this is not a professional opinion, just mine..so take it how you will. Saying that, without trying to pry into your personal business, are you lacking a "motherly" or best "gf" figure in your life? What it sounds like from reading your post is your not so much having lesbian tendencies, rather looking for a nurturing relationship from another female, which doesn't sound lesbian at all to me. If you lacked that from a motherly figure or a best friend I can see it being completely normal to have these types of feelings.

[JGF25]

Hi there.  Have you ever been officially diagnosed with OCD?  Your thoughts are definitely intrusive and irrational.  Most people realize they are gay very early on in life...usually in elementary school.  Since this thought is disturbing to you, it really means that you are not gay.  If you were gay, you wouldn't be fighting it.  You would accept it and move on with your life.  

There may also be something with the "motherly" figure you seem to be lacking like Corlen said.  Usually these types of thoughts are brought on by some sort of trigger and for you, this may be the trigger.  

You really should talk to a psychologist about this if you haven't already so that you can get properly diagnosed and come up with a treatment plan, usually cognitive behavioral therapy, that will help you get over these thoughts and any others that show up.  

Also you are correct in that we as women are always comparing ourselves to other women.  "Do I look as good as she does?"  "Wow she looks great in those jeans, maybe if I lose some weight I would look as good."  Those types of things are all very normal.  You have to remind youself of this fact when the thoughts start to get out of hand.

Good luck and keep in touch.