i think i have hocd

[marur99]

So i have always been a very shy guy, i can't seem to keep eye contact with strangers for too long, and also i stutter a lot when i get nervous but, i have very low self esteem and tend to procrastinate a lot, and porn has always been something i watched since i was 13. it was never something I put much thought on, just wanked and that was it. when I turned 17 I had to wait for college to start for a whole year, and that´s when things started to go downhill. in that time i masturbated every single day at least once, and since i really wanted to actually have sex, but with my shyness and low self steem, I figured no girl would want to go out with me, so i started looking at escorts on the internet and calling them. i never had the money to go out with them but just by calling and talking to them i got a rush of adrenaline and kept doing it for quite some time, then after going through a huge amount of prostitutes in my area, i saw a shemale advert and clicked on it, it was alright, i guess but I wasn't overly aroused or anything it was just another advert of an escort, but then i got even more curious and decided to watch shemale porn, i wanked to my first shemale porn video and, i guess because of the taboo I cummed very quickly, since that day i started to watch more shemale porn and only had a break from it when i started my first relationship with 18. i was so excited to actually have sex and sex was ******* awesome, (the only problem is that a lot of the times i was focusing on not cumming, and when i did that it wasn´t enjoyable at all) to this day i can still get hard when i remember having sex with her, but she used to treat me really bad so we broke up because of that. after a couple of months in the relationship i restarted jerked off . I´m now single but the break-up was pretty hard for me i loved her a lot, so i got depressed for a few months and a friend suggested for me to go out with a escort to try to forget her, and that's what i did, but i just couldn't get hard, for some reason it was all way too fake for me, and i didn´t love that prostitute. So now I got back to jerking off a lot but can only do that to shemale porn, i get scared that since i failed to get hard with that escort, i won't get hard with girls again only with shemales. since I got this problem i started to read more about it and i learned a bit about HOCD, and even tough I don't fell attracted to man in any form, I get really turned on by women's with penises. I feel like pornography has really ****** me over, I stay on the computer a lot, feel depressed a lot, have no desire to study or to work, it got so bad that i think about taking my own life sometimes... I just want to have confidence on myself again and leave all this porn bs in the past but i just can´t get away from the computer, and therefore porn. Sorry about the bad grammar and the long text, english is not my first language, and i really feel motivated sometimes but then i just get back on the loop of my bedroom, my pc and then shemale porn... any help will be of great assistance.