Aa
what's wrong with me and how can I stop ?
For the longest time, I have not been able to shake off embarasing memories. Whenever I remember something stupid I did, or someone was cruel, I find myself saying out loud hateful comments to myself without realizing. It's almost like a tic, I can't stop these memory videos from playing over and over. I always tell myself to go **** myself I should die so often out loud, that I am losing control.
Very often, I get these mental voices yelling at me. Sometimes they are my parents, and myself. It affects how I form my sentences when I speak, and hinders my ability to have smooth conversations not just verbally but socially.
Additionally, my posture is slanted to the left constantly. I can't seem to fix it, as I force myself to upright position, I always find myself slumped shoulders and slanted back. I hate myself for it, and how it makes me look like an idiot. I feel very insecure having my chests out in the open, although I am not overweight, it makes me feel vulnerable and ashamed of my chest.
I constantly feel as if I am being watched, especially my mom's nagging voice about everything from how I look in public, my life, etc. I feel like people are always talking behind my back. When I hear people laugh, I always think they are laughing at me. I cannot for the love of god trust or love anyone because I always feel like they have ulterior motives. I always preceive outcome of a situation and gauge the person's motives.
This extreme low self esteem resonates from extreme uncomfortable being who I am to extreme egoistic self worth. I can't seem to balance myself.
I seriously want to commit suicide because I can't seem to fix these problems that had been with me since I was a child, and it's getting worse and worse. I mean every night I try to suffocate myself because of the impossibility of these problems going away and that truly, eternal sleep would be the greatest relief.
I don't feel really depressed or sad like I used to. I just very cold and empty. I feel almost no compassion or feelings for my family or friends. I find myself that I no longer held down by any social, morality or ethics code.This is drastically different from a while back. I find myself more and more becoming less human.
Very often, I get these mental voices yelling at me. Sometimes they are my parents, and myself. It affects how I form my sentences when I speak, and hinders my ability to have smooth conversations not just verbally but socially.
Additionally, my posture is slanted to the left constantly. I can't seem to fix it, as I force myself to upright position, I always find myself slumped shoulders and slanted back. I hate myself for it, and how it makes me look like an idiot. I feel very insecure having my chests out in the open, although I am not overweight, it makes me feel vulnerable and ashamed of my chest.
I constantly feel as if I am being watched, especially my mom's nagging voice about everything from how I look in public, my life, etc. I feel like people are always talking behind my back. When I hear people laugh, I always think they are laughing at me. I cannot for the love of god trust or love anyone because I always feel like they have ulterior motives. I always preceive outcome of a situation and gauge the person's motives.
This extreme low self esteem resonates from extreme uncomfortable being who I am to extreme egoistic self worth. I can't seem to balance myself.
I seriously want to commit suicide because I can't seem to fix these problems that had been with me since I was a child, and it's getting worse and worse. I mean every night I try to suffocate myself because of the impossibility of these problems going away and that truly, eternal sleep would be the greatest relief.
I don't feel really depressed or sad like I used to. I just very cold and empty. I feel almost no compassion or feelings for my family or friends. I find myself that I no longer held down by any social, morality or ethics code.This is drastically different from a while back. I find myself more and more becoming less human.
I sort of get were you are coming from. For a little over a year now ever since i took ectasy and acid in the same night at a festival and the trip went bad on me i have been fearful of being in public places. I felt and still feel that others can read my inner thoughts (BUT ONLY SOME PEOPLE) so i get paranoid about that and have trouble sitting still and concentrating. and i notice my thoughts get all ****** up wen i am sitting in the college class room. like i find myself saying stuff in my head that is untrue and all ****** up like "i am gona kill my brain" or some ****** up like gay thoughts when i am totally 100% not gay. and when i hear people laughing i also think they must be laughing at me. i find if i am talking i dont have those thoughts as much but thats if i am almost constantly talking. it seems as if i get trapped in my head and have trouble coming back to reality. and when i am in a group of people and if i get some of those ****** up thoughts i show emotions that are totally different then what is being talked about.
i try to keep it to myself or may talk about it online or something because when i try to explain it to someone it makes me even feel crazier. like i tryed telling my mom once but she listened and said i need to get help but she doesnt understand.
i know i should probably go get help but, i dont want them writing this all down and having it on record even if it is pretty confidential because i am curious but also i am really scared to find out what is really wrong with me. and once it gets written down its basically official.
i try to keep it to myself or may talk about it online or something because when i try to explain it to someone it makes me even feel crazier. like i tryed telling my mom once but she listened and said i need to get help but she doesnt understand.
i know i should probably go get help but, i dont want them writing this all down and having it on record even if it is pretty confidential because i am curious but also i am really scared to find out what is really wrong with me. and once it gets written down its basically official.
Because of the suicidal ideation, you need to see a doctor ASAP. I think councelling will do wonders for you, and help you work out all these horrible negative thoughts. You've been fed a lot of bad things. Your whole mindset and view of yourself and life can change, you can learn to love yourself, others and life.
Do you pray or meditate? Affirmations? These can really help you change and grow.
If you'd like a faithful, kind, loving gathering, come over to:
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/show/404?personal_page_id=1012978
Do you pray or meditate? Affirmations? These can really help you change and grow.
If you'd like a faithful, kind, loving gathering, come over to:
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/show/404?personal_page_id=1012978
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