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282804 tn?1236833591

A message from Donna

Donna has asked me to write to you all for her because she is just to weak, but she wanted to do a final posting. Please accept this as if it is coming from her.



Dear Friends,

I want you to know how much I appreciate your friendships, your love and encouragement and your prayers.  I came on the forum like everyone else looking for information.  I did not expect to find the love and friendships that I have found on MH.  It is so much more than a place to gather information on OvCa.  I have made friendships on here that I know I will take with me. We have laughed together, cried together, schemed together and mourned together.  We have been able to accomplish some wonderful things on here and I know that you all will watch over the forum and keep it the loving, supportive, fun place it has become.

I am throwing up quite a bit but they are controlling it as best they can. I am on enough pain medication that I don't hurt.  The survival instinct is very strong in all of us and when I started having heart problems tonight I fought it like a dummy and realized I shouldn't have.  I am very sleepy and right now I am having trouble breathing. I just want to go peacefully.

Throughout this ordeal you all have kept my spirits up with so many notes, msgs, phone calls and prayers, but now it is time to say goodbye and I would like to ask that you all pray that this ends quickly now.   I don't want to go, so please don't think that I just gave up.  I would like to have another 50 yrs the same as anyone, but there is nothing left to fight for and it is time to let go.

You all have been just amazing and I love you very much.  Those of you that have become my closest friends know who you are.  I want you to know that I hold you close to my heart and I thank you for all the laughs.  We had a lot of fun on here and I want you to remember those times. I know you will continue to fight the good fight and I expect you to win. I will be watching over you all.  When you think of me I expect it to be with a grin for my wickedly dry sense of humor and not with tears of unhappiness.

With much love and appreciation,
Donna
83 Responses
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119341 tn?1232563757
My grandmother had a DNR (do not resusitate (sp)) It made the decision making alot easier on my family. She watched her sister live for 20 years on a feeding tube, and did not want that for herself.
Helpful - 0
282804 tn?1236833591
Yes, every state has living wills and directives, but most people don't bother to fill them out.  I would encourage everyone to do on, have it notorized whether your state requires that or not and make sure your Dr, the hospital and a loved one has a copy.

As far as notes to Johnny, if you would like to write something here I will print it out and take it to him.  We will go for the funeral and I will make sure he gets it. I like what Marty did at Leslee's service when she printed out our tribute to her and put it on the table at the service.  I will do the same.  If you would like to start another post with just notes for Johhny and or Donna that would be fine too.
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187666 tn?1331173345
Each story is so different. May I ask a question? Don't other states have a form a person can fill out that clearly spells out what measures they want done or avoided? My Dad had his spelled out so he didn't have all those extras done to him by nurses - tubes, needles, forced oxygen. All he had were comfort measures for pain, even for his bed sores and any liquid he wanted, he took on his own. Perhaps that helped his journey to be a bit more peaceful without all the people poking him. That's hard on the family.

And back to Donna - if we send a note, will Johnny eventually see it? I know he doesn't want to linger at a computer keyboard right now but can we send notes and messages for him to read later?
Helpful - 0
225036 tn?1294509400
My grandpa was very sick 2 years and 6 days ago today.  He had been in the hospital in bad shape (off and on for about 3 weeks) with lung disease.  He had been on oxygen for 10 very long years and hated every minute of it.  Well his last "episode" of his oxygen dropping down to the very low 60's is what put him in the hospital the last time.  For me it was 2 long weeks of praying the he could hold on long enough for me to see him one last time (I live 2 states away and was going with my mom, no kids, to see him.  I knew it would be the last time I ever saw him alive again).  Well my mom and I arrived at the hospital at noon on Thursday October 16, 2006 and he was sitting up in bed talking and looked so good (he looked so good that my grandma was convinced that he would be going home on Monday).  He was so happy to see us and I was so excited that God granted my prayer to see my Pa one more time.  We had such a  good afternoon of laughing and telling stories (he slept alot, but when he was awake it was SO AWESOME).  Well at about 5 pm his Preist (who had been out of town for 4 or 5 days when my Pa was asking for him) came to see him.  He was eating his last supper which he said was horrible (I know something stupid to think about but it hurts me so much to know that he hated his last meal) and he asked that he that we leave him alone with the Preist and go get my gran to eat.  He and the preist talked for about half an hour and then we went back to his room.  He was still talking and told my mom and I to go get out supper (we were dieting and went to Subway to get a sandwich and to Sonic to get my gran a lemonberry slush).  While we were gone, they got my grandpa up to walk and when we came back in about 15 minutes later, they had him in his room putting the airvac mask on him (he had had episodes where he had to have this to force air into his lungs.  He HATED it so much) and he was struggling.  My mom said "Dad, just let them put it on you so you can breath better.  Pleas Dad." and he quit sturggling.  Of course we were crying and he fell into a very deep sleep.  We were expecting him to wake up at any time.  Well as the night wore on, he did not wake up but was thrashing around some.  At about 2am they told us to call the family in because he would not be here much longer (my aunts and uncles live about 20 min from the hospital).  Everyone came up and we were all sitting around his bed rubbing his feet his head his arms, holding his hands and WAITING for him to stop breathing.  It was so horrible that every breath he too, we waited to see if another would follow.  When my last uncle finally got there, my Pa woke up for about 2 minutes and looked at all of them and said "I love you all.  Take care of each other and take care of Mom" and then he fell back asleep.  Well, at 4 they told everyone to go home that he was resting peacefully and seemed to be holding his own.  My mom and I stayed with my Gran and everyone else went home.  Well, at about 5:30 they had us call everyone back in  because he was on as much oxygen as it would go and his heart rate was very low.  They had us  call all of our family who lived out of town/state adn told us to start having people come because it would be very soon.  Well, I don't know what they consider soon, but we watched my grandpa "sleep" all day long and never wake up or respond to anything.  At about 4pm the doctor came in and told us that nothing could be done to make my grandpa come back to us that he would just continue to sleep and his heart rate would just continue to decrease.  He told us that they could give him extra morphine to "help" him through the process and make sure he would be in no pain.  They told us that this would make his heart stop about 20 minutes after the shot.  IT WAS THE TOUGHEST DECISION THAT WE EVER HAD TO MAKE, BUT MY PA MADE SURE WE ALL KNEW HOW HE FELT ABOUT LIVIN AS A VEGETABLE OR ON MACHINES OR OXYGEN KEEPING HIM ALIVE.  We decided to go ahead with the shot.  Well, the nurse came in and gave him the shot (by this time most of my family was there.  My sisters were not there yet but about 1 hour away).  For the next hour, we sat there and watched as he took one breath after another (it is important that you know my grandpa was a big guy 6'4" and about 250 pounds).  Finally, my sister go there and when she walked in and went to his side, she leaned down and said "Grandpa, it's Vici! I made it!!" and my grandpa smiled!!!!  He had not done anything all day long!!  Well, the nurse came in at about 8:30 and told us that she had another shot for my grandpa.  All of us grandkids gather around with our parents behind us and we prayed for a peaceful journey for my grandpa and for the strenght that we could make his journey go quickly and painlessly.  We prayed that we were doing what God had wanted us to do.  After the prayer, each of us kissed my grandpa's cheek and left the hospital.  The only ones that were behind were my parents and my mom's 4 brothers adn sisters and thier spouces.  The nurse gave my grandpa the shot about 20 minutes before this and with his wife and children gathered around, my grandpa dies at 9pm.  We believe that he died just as he would have wanted to with his wife and kids around and with the rest of us gone.  I tell you this story because it is NOT easy to make a decision about "helping" someone die.  I think we did the best thing for my Pa as he was not suffering and he died peacefully.  To this day, I remember everything about those 33 hours in the hospital room.  I had not had sleep in 54 hours, but it was worth it to see my grandpa one more time.  Sometimes we have to make hard decisions, and others do not agree with what we have to do, but we need to do what is best for our loved one.  I think it is just horrible what Donna is going through and wish that they would give her a shot like my grandpa got.  It is not easy to say go ahead and give the shot, but my grandpa got to die with diginity and wiht his loved ones around him holding his hand.  I hope you all do not mind me sharing my story with you.  Sorry for all the mistakes, but even after 2 years it is hard to talk about without tearing up.  I love you all so much and pray for you all the time.  I hate this DAMN disease and want you to know that even if I do not have cancer, I am here for you at any time.  Love you all, Kasie
Helpful - 0
135691 tn?1271097123
Thank you for sharing your very personal expierence with us. It's certainly opened my eyes as to what the end may hold. I imagine that was a very tough time for you and your family and I'm sorry you had to see your wife go through that.
I guess in the grand scheme of life,  no one really knows how it will end...
We all have our own thoughts and feelings about this subject...we don't all have to agree.
I will respect Donna's wishes because that is what was asked of us...I continue to pray that she finds peace soon.
Becky
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282804 tn?1236833591
MISS ME - BUT LET ME GO
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little--but not too long
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me--but let me go.
For this is a journey that we all must take
And each must go alone. It's all a part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss Me - But Let me Go!
~~ Author Unknown ~~
Helpful - 0
447161 tn?1262923084
The pain of watching our loved ones dying and the pain of trying to accept this as our own destiny are perhaps the hardest things that any human can do.  I understand and accept both your opinions.  You are both incredibly wonderful woman and have both of you been through and are going through terribly difficult times. In what ever subject that is discussed here or anywhere, there are always going to be different views.  Lets put them aside for now and channel our prayers and energy for Donna.... to have her peace.

Love Kim
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212140 tn?1201944974
Ladies, everyone following this line is very upset with all the bad news that has been posted recently, with Lesley, and with Donna's continued suffering. To me there is no right or wrong, and ladies everyone on here doesn’t want to see anyone get upset, or leave this board.
I will now tell you a very, very true story about my wife who died so recently (to me it is) Violet was in ICU on a ventilator, something she dreaded going on as to her it was the last thing left to keep her alive, her lungs were continually filling with fluid, so she was always nearly drowning. Did she want to give up? NO, she fought and fought, amazing her Dr’s who kept telling me she has hours! Well 45 days later, (even though the day before they were thinking of taking her off the ventilator as this were going great,) her body started to shut down, bit by, bit. She drifted off into a deep sleep, then her BP bottomed out, Violet asked for resuscitation,, so when her heart stopped, they started, okay they brought her back, but I will never forget the look in her eyes, complete horror, pain and scaredness. This was at 10.30am Sunday 6th January 2008. My children and I talked, we always wanted her to go in dignity, we had planned what we would do to help her if everything had been done, and there was no more. We were ready, we said our good byes she was gasping for breath involuntary, her brain was saying ‘I need air’. Her Dr’s were with us, they confirmed that there was nothing more they could do for her medically, in their words, she was gone all but the machines keeping her going, but that would not last, an hour, who could tell, Violet hated the dark, so we, her family started our plan, we were asked what we were up to, we told them, they didn’t argue, just said you are very brave but humble family, they said to the nurses to leave, they increased her sedation to the maximum, so in their words ‘she would not know anything’. I then turned off her IV which was forcing fluids into her just to keep he BP up, slowly her heart rate dropped from 180pm (which had been like this for over 24hrs) till it stopped, she died in my arms, her 2 kids holding her hands, she died in true dignity what she deserved.11am GMT Sunday 6th January 2008.
Okay till my dying days I will remember that day, but in the end we knew it was the best, she had no more pain on her face, no more suffering.
Ladies a graphic but very true recollection of the last moments of my darling wife, she passed away 42 weeks today at 9am GMT, a time my family mark each and every week. Did we do right? We think so FOR HER, not necessarily for us. Steve H
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167426 tn?1254086235
I have asked MH to remove the two posts of mine.  it was not intended to offend any one.  I will keep my opinions to my self and not offer them up any more.  Marty
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282804 tn?1236833591
Yes, we thought it ended quickly with Leslee, but we didn't say that was a bad thing.  We just weren't expecting that I guess. We are certainly not judging Donna or Leslee.  Donna wants this to be over with. As far as the organs continuing to function in spite of the cancer, well that is not entirely true.  Donna's tumor (and I have been told most of our tumors will do the same if blockages don't kill us 1st) has gotten so large that it pushes up on her stomach, which pushes up on her heart, and lungs and everything else. There have been times when Donna couldn't breathe and she was afraid she would just choke to death. That doesn't sound like working organs to me and her vitals aren't strong.  Because of all of that compression they can't keep her BP regulated and it was 156/100 the other day. Who is suffering the most?....Donna that's who. I can't believe you said that we feel sorry for ourselves and not Donna!!   I have not seen one person say they feel sorry for themselves; all I have heard is how sorry we all feel for Donna. Preparing for the worst is not self pity it is practical preparation.  And yes Marty, we are taking the nausea meds and pain medications so we know already. Why would it be okay for Donna to pull out all of her IV's and dehydrate and starve herself to death but a little to much morphine is not okay?  We are by no means hurrying Donna.  Do you think any of us want her to go?  Hell no, but we know she is going to anyway, so why should she waste away to nothingness in the process?  I know a lot of the things that those of us with cancer do and as far as I can tell we are all living our lives with as much gusto and purpose as we possibly can, however, planning for our end in a manner that does not involve suffering and wasting away to us is just another part of the cancer that we have to deal with.  It is no different than making sure our paper work is in order and our funerals are planned and paid for. Thinking about death may be a terrible thing if that is all we thought about, but it is the reality of our life Marty and I for one don't appreciate being told that I am selfish or full of gloom and doom just because I refuse to go the way both of my mother's did or because I am trying to have a plan B just in case I end up lingering the way my moms did.  You are right that taking a handful of pills is often just stupid because it doesn't always kill you it just leaves you in a vegetative state, but insulin, morphine or fentanyl patches would allow us to at least die without the indignity of having our loved ones watch us waste away.  No, there is no dignity in death, but there seems to be plenty of indignity and why that is okay with some people is completely beyond my comprehension. Those of you not facing this can't possibly know what it feels like to have to think of these things.  Discovering your own mortality is one thing, we all do that at about 40, but realizing that your death is going to come some 30 or 40 yrs before you thought it would & in a manner that you can't possibly understand unless you have cancer is quite different. You can't know the terror we all live with just thinking about what a horrible end we might come to and I don't think that it is a sin or pessimistic to take a little more of something than you might actually need.  It is certainly more humane than choking to death, or having your heart squeezed so tight it literally pops in your chest, or having your stomach in your throat and throwing up stuff that shouldn't be coming out of you because you punctured something with all that compressing. That's Donna's reality, that was my mother's reality and since nothing seems to have changed in forever it will probably be the reality for a lot of us.  It would be nice to think that I could go like my FIL.  He was doing pretty well until 3 days before he passed and than he was gone.  No lingering, no wasting, no gaunt hollow look, no starvation, no throwing up, just sleep and peace.  You advocate not interrupting the natural process but we do just that with the pain meds, nausea meds, glucose IV, saline IV's etc.  I am having a hard time figuring out why it is okay to put our dogs down, but not people.  We do it for our pets because we hate to see them suffer, but we are selfish if we suggest it for people?  I am sorry but that makes no sense at all.  I can only pray that the rest of us are as lucky as Leslee or my FIL and it ends quickly for us when our time comes.  Until than I am sure we will all live with as much enthusiam as this cancer allows.
Helpful - 0
483733 tn?1326798446
I am so sorry that Donna is having to leave this world, her friends, and her Johnny this way.  Her suffering needs to end and I hope and pray that she is granted her peace.  

My love goes out to Donna and to you all.

Trudie
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408448 tn?1286883821
I would not take my life either, but I hope that someone will do for me what my mom's doc allowed me to do for her.  We used as much morphine as it took to keep her from thrashing around in restless discomfort even though we used much more than is normally prescribed.  This allowed her peace and also I believe shortened the time it took for her to pass.  So many years later this still does not seem real.  It still seems like a horrible nightmare that this monster took my mom.  I love you all and feel that whatever anyone chooses to do is should be what is best for them and their loved ones.  The most personal of all experiences. Marie
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429647 tn?1249753429
Dear Donna, God Speed, no more pain, anxiety, worry about those you will leave.  Only love, warmth peace and beauty like you have never seen or known before.  I pray this in Jesus's name,
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
We all have opinons on death and yours is based on your religious preferences.. Mine is based on reallity.  I respect how you feel  BUT. different circumstances..for me.  yes but I will not allow myself to stay alive when truly I am not alive.. alive is living.... and when I am not living I am as good as dead.. This is my opinion and my option...

I will not allow my husband to grieve over a body that no longer functions.. I will not allow my chldren to look at a hollow nothing... that is my opinon and it is what I must do.. this is for me..no one else...Ending my life by artificial means . excuse me.. they are going to try to keep me alive by ARTIFICIAL mean... no not for me...
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Avatar universal
I have to say I am a very lucky woman to be a type 1 diabetic.. I have enough insulin to do myself what needs to be done when ever that is.. Insulin is an easy way.. overdose and go to sleep and never wake up... I am so angry that we have to suffer such indignities without help.. they treat dogs better...
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408448 tn?1286883821
I am sorry it has to be this way, too.  When my mom was nearing the end (20+ years ago) I called for more morphine every time she started to become restless.  Her doc told the nurses to stop questioning me and give my mom what I said she needs.  It isn't like that now.  Everyone is so afraid to be sued.  Before I got the doc to handle the nurses it was getting pretty ugly.  They even called security on me once. Can you believe that?? I do not want to be political either and I have not mentioned this before, but I contacted both campaigns about ovca.  One responded.  I even got a phone call.  I just told them my situation and gave some ideas on a few things.  I also said I want him to say the word "ovarian" more in his speeches instead of just plain cancer.  About 4 or 5 days later he was speaking in Indiana at a rally.  He not only said ovarian cancer, he yelled it loud 3 times.  He will get my vote.  I read both candidates cancer policies.  The difference is quite shocking.  I pray that Donna will be at peace soon.  I am so sorry that she has to go through this.  Marie
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272338 tn?1252280404
  Thank you Jan, and I have to say that this is also a big fear for me. I do not want my family to have to watch me go this way.
  Maybe He has felt that it was not time for her to go yet, but I think that she has been through enough. I can only pray that He sees it that way too and decides it is time for her to come home, where she will finally be at peace.
   Love Chris
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Avatar universal
Jan, it's hard to read that about Donna.  I sure wish she could end the suffering.  Wasting away isn't what she should be doing.  I, too, wish Hospice could do more.  No one should just linger on like this.  

Becky is right...please take care of yourself.  We do appreciate your updates but we also know that you are dealing with so much right now.  Please don't feel badly for not updating more often.  She is also right that we haven't asked about you.  

Take care, Jan.  We love you.
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523728 tn?1264621521
This is my greatest fear.  Things have really not changed much since my dad died of colorectal cancer in 1980.  Again, his doc at least asked permission to give the extra morphine.  
For dear Donna to be tortured this way is criminal.  There must be a better way.
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187666 tn?1331173345
It brings back the memories of my Dad too weak to stand or even sit up alone, holding on to the little soda bottle we rigged up with a straw through the cap. I can't remember how long he went without any nutrition. For the last few weeks he lived on sips of water and orange juice. She should be on some meds to handle the nausea and discomfort. My Dad had liquid morphine that was easy to give under the tongue and was quick acting.

Here in Oregon we do have the 'Death with Dignity' law that allows a person to decide to take medication to speed up the process. Also known as assisted suicide. Not for everyone I know but a few people have used it over the years.

I just don't understand why hospice isn't managing the pain and nausea better. Not like they're worried she'll become addicted.
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415684 tn?1257329318
Dear Lord:  It's time.  Please lift Donna in your loving arms and take her home to You.  
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135691 tn?1271097123
Thanks Jan...my heart just aches for her. I can appreciate what your saying about the patches...that's a good tip. I would hate to think this could be dragged out for so long...I had no idea...
Please know too Jan, that while all of us are very concerned about Donna, we know too that you are going through a very hard time as well. Please don't feel bad for not updating us...if anyone should feel bad, it's me for not having posted a question asking how your doing. I'm sorry that, on top of having to slowly lose your friend, your feeling as sick as you are.
This disease is so wretched...
I love ya Jan...take care of yourself.
Becky
Helpful - 0
282804 tn?1236833591
I am sorry I have not updated this.  I just don't know what to say anymore.  I am angry that we can't do for Donna what any vet would do for a dog at this stage.  Why should she have to suffer through this?  Why can't our friendly GP's just give us an overdose of morphine which is what my family doc did for my mother?  

The only msg I got from Donna today was that everyone in the family was trying to see her and that she felt terrible. Brenda said she is going to stop the visits because it is to much for Donna. The last text msg I got today was from Brenda, the woman who is so lovingly taking care of Donna, and it is not good.  Donna's vision is still blurry, she is throwing up and nauseated, and she has trouble even trying to sit up.  She sleeps most of the time though so that is a blessing. They are able to control the pain.  Right now she is on dilaudid, but hospice has the morphine ready in case she needs it also.  When I spoke with Brenda Thurday she said they were counting in hours not days, but for some reason our girl is still hanging in there. I hope Brenda is right for Donna's sake. On the 24th I got a txt from Donna saying that she shakes all over when she tries to stand and needs help with that. She has only gotten worse since than.  .

If there is one thing I have learned from this it is that we have to take things into our own hands.  Donna has been off of nutritional IV's since the 5th and they told her it wouldn't take long after that, well it has been 3 weeks and that is to long.  Since than she has spent all this time nauseous, throwing up stuff that doesn't look like it should be inside her to start with, having her vision go blurry, can't stand up or even pull herself up in bed, can't hold a glass.  Scru that!!!! You all saw the pictures of Donna that I put up just a month ago well, you wouldn't recognize her now. She weighs less than 100 lbs and her cheeks are sunken in.  Her whole face looks gaunt, well, worse than that, but I can't think of a better word.  She should have been able to go while she still looked healthy.  Why should we wait until we look like the crypt keeper before we go?  Please pray that this ends soon for our Donna. She shouldn't have to feel this bad, it isn't right.

Why does it have to end like this.  It is inhumane!!!!!  I am going to start saving a fentanyl patch from each box and when my time comes if it isn't quick enough I am going to put those suckers everywhere.  I will fall asleep and my heart will give out. THE END.  I am going to chose how I go out and I WILL NOT let myself be dragged through what Donna has had to endure.  I would encourage all of you who know that this disease is going to get you to prepare for that eventuality the way I am going to do.

I promise I will do better about keeping you updated. I am not doing so well myself these days, but that is no excuse.  I just don't know what to say sometimes.

I am not going to turn this into a political discussion, but I would like you all to remember that Barak Obama's mother died of ovarian cancer and he has promised that more funding will go to those "obscure" cancer's that claim so many lives yet get so little funding. He has said it is "criminal" that ovarian cancer stats have not changed at all in 30 yrs.  I don't want Donna's post to turn into a political war, I am just throwing that out there for you all to think about. I don't want to think about my girls having to go through what Donna is going through and the only way to avoid that is more funding and research. Yes, most likely one or both of my daughters will get this horrible disease.

Helpful - 0
187666 tn?1331173345
Thank you for the news. I was praying for her last night and just got a bit anxious.
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