Aa
Angry???
When I went to hospice to visit Leslee today , I came across a large group of people , relatives and friends, co- workers, I heard the word ANGRY, I went up , quite disturbed, and asked why they were angry, I thought someone had "done" something to Leslee, They explained that they were angry at the cancer that is taking away a lovely beautiful woman, one that has always given so much to everyone. I asked if they knew who/what they were blameing? After lisitening to them , I decided it was just the cancer that they are angry at. Leslee hadn't done anything that could be explained as to its coming to her. They did not blame God either. They were trying to explain to me, that we have a terrible problem in the world and the solutions are not acceptable. I know that many times Leslee has been angry also, feels it is unfair for her to have this cancer. Now I know she has accepted her fate, but does that make the others feel good? NO. I am afraid that acceptance will happen only, when this problem is solved. I know I will fight for that cure as long as I live. Just wanted to share this with you, we do have a problem and we must keep fighting to find the answer. Marty
The anger and hurt and the whys are all here for me too I was told that 1-out of 8 women could be dx with breast cancer. I made a list of the women I know and thier names and then crossed out evrey 8th name on the list just to see . The list included me as I had breast cancer. JC145 you are so right about the breast/ OVC conection being related. Then also we have a neighbor guy who I see out walking on crutches because his leg was amputated because of cancer. He starts chemo soon and I chatted with him on the street encouraged him that he will get through everything.
I totally agree with honesty and love and hugs and all that when the end is near. I have lost too many friends and family to cancer. My sis-in-law ended her days at her home (in Pittsburgh). Family and friends were with her 24/7 taking turns. The night before she passed, she was making sure Mom was given pie she knew was in the kitchen. Realize she was in a hospital bed in the dining room and still the ultimate hostess. She died from lyposarcoma (soft tissue cancer) throughout her whole body. The same holds true for my Dad (prostate ca) .. the family was all around, then left around 10PM ..with my Mom and brother with him, by11 PM he was gone. Most all of my friends/family who have been lost have similar stories of being surrounded by loved ones, reliving old stories, hugs, kisses and love .. and sometimes, even singing old songs .. what a way to go. I agree with the ANGER, too. We really are much futher ahead than we were 10 years ago and I am hoping all of the research with Breast CA will untimately lead to a coorelation with Ovarian since I feel they are definitely related. I cannot let the anger consume me, tho. It takes too much energy from enjoying the moment and living each day to the fullest.
Marty, when I said that families need grief counseling because they can make it harder on us I was not commenting on your actions. I think your actions were the most honest in her room. THAT is what we want at the end. Honesty, tears, stories, love etc. So many times people tell us to keep fighting even when we know we only have days. They think they are doing us a favor by putting on a fake clown smile and pretending everything is A OK when it isn't. Or they cry constantly which just makes us feel worse. We don't want to think that you all will fall apart without us. There is a fine balance at the end between to much emotion and to little. I would like to think that there are people who love me enough to get down on their knees, hold my hand and thank God I was in their life the way you did with Leslee. I don't want a room full of stoic emotionless people. I want people who will remember my warped sense of humor, get drunk for me, play John Prine's song "Please Don't Bury Me" and sing along in a drunken off key voice. We don't want people to force food on us when the smell alone is enough to gag us much less trying to eat anything. We need our support people to kick our butts when we feel like giving up even when there is still reason to have real hope, but we need our support people to know when it is time to help us let go. We need to be able to talk about who we want to give things to. We need to talk about what songs we want at our funerals. We need to know that you all will be alright when we are gone. We don't need to hear that you will be lost without us and life will have no meaning. We need to hear that you will honor us by living life to the fullest and not wasting one second of it on despair, depression, endless grief or regrets. I need to know that Cory will find someone else to share his life with. I have even tried to set him up with our pharmacist. Hey, she is really cute, has a great personality, makes good money, is a wonderfully kind woman and she knows me so she won't be jealous of the "dead wife". She is set in her ways and probably won't marry, but I like her and don't want her or Cory to be alone in their old age. I need to know that Cory will not give in to depression and that he will take care of the garden I have so lovingly taken care of all of these years. That will be my memorial, not a grave. If you want to visit me after I am gone come to my garden. That is where I will be fertilizing a rose bush and a few other plants. I can't think of anything more wonderful than to know that my ashes will help my flowers grow beautifully bright and strong. We need you all to have grief counselors so they can help you remember all of this stuff. No, I don't want my loved ones to act like they will be happy I am gone or tell me how wonderful their life will be without me, but I do want to hear that they will go on, that they will live for me and themselves. I want people to celebrate my life; I did. Mostly, I don't want it to be so hard for them to think of me that they don't.
I remember Flicka as a wonderful horse in the movies, I think that was the horses name. Hello baby sister, welcome, you are right Jan is a wonderful gal and this forum needs her to fight for them. She won't give up , there is too much fight in her. She reams anyone out that even thinks of quitting .
I haven't read all of the posts but I saw the name Flicka and I knew no one else could be using that name but my little sister. I would like for you all to welcome one of the coolest and most extraordinary people in the world, my wonderful baby sister. Flicka is a nickname I gave her in HS (we don't remember why) and I want you all to be nice to her because she has a sharp tongue and a quick wit (wonder where that came from). I am glad you are here honey. I love you so very much.
Your loving sister,
Jan
Your loving sister,
Jan
YES! That's exactly what she needs right now, not some hushed, tip-toe around her atmosphere. She needs to hear the voices of the people that love her, everyday stories, funny memories and definitely hand holding and stroking and gentle hugs.
And you need a safe place to speak of your own anger and frustrations without being judged. When my Dad was dying, my poor husband heard some real whoppers of comments from me. Not all of them were justified I suppose but I had to speak out. Otherwise how could I feel calm enough to be with my Dad and show him all the love I had in my heart? You're doing fine. One moment at a time, that's how you get through this.
And you need a safe place to speak of your own anger and frustrations without being judged. When my Dad was dying, my poor husband heard some real whoppers of comments from me. Not all of them were justified I suppose but I had to speak out. Otherwise how could I feel calm enough to be with my Dad and show him all the love I had in my heart? You're doing fine. One moment at a time, that's how you get through this.
The doctors made a hugh mistake telling me that Leslee was getting the best of care. I blew up at Mayo, I told them the best of care, would have saved her. Leslee's family told me she was getting the best of care, then why is she sinking so fast? Hospice told me that Leslee was getting the best of care, if so, why is she there? Is best care, stopping the vomiting, stopping the pain, thru a drug based stupor? I can only be totaly ANGRY now, when I am by myself, I am not allowed to show any grief or emotions around her or her family, my sons understand, but her hubby and daughters have shut down all emotions. They want to protect Leslee now, protect her from what? Our love? I gathered Leslee in my arms today, IV tubes and all, and told her how much I have always loved her and will continue to love her all of my life. Her two brothers went up and kissed her and also told her that they loved her. I got down on my knees in her room, holding her hand, and thanked God for sending her to us. I want her last days to be ones filled with love, not silence. There will be enough silence when she is gone from us, I want my last hours filled with family sounds and happy laughter. Sorry gals if my post upsets any one, but I had to say it, I do not need grief conuslers, I just need to be allowed to slhow my love and grief outloud and not try to keep it inside of me. I do not show Leslee my grief, only my love.
We are angry to the wrong "causes", we nee to be angry to the systems around us! People still very NAIVES! The isurance companies and the goverment doesn't care your loveones! And the future president doesn't care either!
Everything for the profit and not for you or against cancer! If, the goverment spend the 700 bilion $ to our health care, our loveones are still alive!!!
Sorry, I'm very angry too. I lost my dad.
Sue
Everything for the profit and not for you or against cancer! If, the goverment spend the 700 bilion $ to our health care, our loveones are still alive!!!
Sorry, I'm very angry too. I lost my dad.
Sue
It seems that ovarian cancer is an orphan disease that hardly gets any attention at all. Hopefully, with all of us who have been affected with OVC speaking out to who ever will listen, it will make a difference!!! We can only hope...
Liz
Liz
I have to say that I agree with all that I have read and also must say it was so very well written. We are all angry at this disease, the doctors,the politicians,the clinical directors and where...where did all the money go to?? Why isn't there at least 1 reliable test for early diagnosis...why does it seem that breast cancer month is the entire year??? I understand so many more ladies will be diagnosed with BRCA this year compared to ovca..but why does it even matter...all cancers need to be wiped off the earth?? How come we found a way to keep HIV from turning into AIDS...but cancer which has been around forever still has no better statistics then before.....I could go on and on,but I think I will just start to repeat what has been read..lol....~~~~Joanne
Jan - you said "I am ANGRY that our loved ones don't get better grief counseling because they tend to make it harder on us when we finally have to accept and let go." That is a big problem. When my Dad was near death a hospice counselor came by the house one time, said we would be seeing a lot more of him. We never saw him again. Not even a phone call.
Unfortunately, like being your own advocate when you go to the doctor, I'm afraid family and friends need to take the reins and learn about end of life issues. It's hard to do when you're already tired, afraid and don't want to think about losing your loved one. But it seems to be the way of things.
I know doctors are human and make mistakes but sometimes they make up their mind they know exactly what's wrong and they stick with it no matter how much a patient complains. My Dad complained for months about his nausea and coughing and general yuckiness. They kept saying it was his heart failure and tossed more pills his way. I wish they hadn't written him off like that. They could have found the cancer much sooner, given him some treatment options and he would probably still be with us, at least for a while longer.
Unfortunately, like being your own advocate when you go to the doctor, I'm afraid family and friends need to take the reins and learn about end of life issues. It's hard to do when you're already tired, afraid and don't want to think about losing your loved one. But it seems to be the way of things.
I know doctors are human and make mistakes but sometimes they make up their mind they know exactly what's wrong and they stick with it no matter how much a patient complains. My Dad complained for months about his nausea and coughing and general yuckiness. They kept saying it was his heart failure and tossed more pills his way. I wish they hadn't written him off like that. They could have found the cancer much sooner, given him some treatment options and he would probably still be with us, at least for a while longer.
Jan,
I'm mad too, just know that I love you and I will be here for you. I'm not in as much denial as you think, but if you think I'm giving up on you, you got another thing coming.
You loving Sister
Flicka
I'm mad too, just know that I love you and I will be here for you. I'm not in as much denial as you think, but if you think I'm giving up on you, you got another thing coming.
You loving Sister
Flicka
Marty,
We all know that we must be strong, but do find it hard at times through all of the anger. At times I feel as though the anger is what helps to keep us strong, if that makes any sense. I think that deep inside, we have all accepted our fate and maybe when that time does come, that is why it seems to our family and friends that we are ok with it. But we have had awhile to digest it all. Yes we have hopes and prayers but it never seems to be enough.
I just feel as though, those of us who can, must continue to be strong and keep fighting because that is what LesLee and Donna and all of the others would want. It is so very hard to realize that someone so close to you will soon lose this fight but in knowing them, we have been blessed. And it makes me feel very safe knowing that someone like them will be watching over me. Anger? yes as it just is not fair. But I also have to remember that they will finally be at peace from this dreaded disease.
Chris
We all know that we must be strong, but do find it hard at times through all of the anger. At times I feel as though the anger is what helps to keep us strong, if that makes any sense. I think that deep inside, we have all accepted our fate and maybe when that time does come, that is why it seems to our family and friends that we are ok with it. But we have had awhile to digest it all. Yes we have hopes and prayers but it never seems to be enough.
I just feel as though, those of us who can, must continue to be strong and keep fighting because that is what LesLee and Donna and all of the others would want. It is so very hard to realize that someone so close to you will soon lose this fight but in knowing them, we have been blessed. And it makes me feel very safe knowing that someone like them will be watching over me. Anger? yes as it just is not fair. But I also have to remember that they will finally be at peace from this dreaded disease.
Chris
I am ANGRY at the doctor that passed Leslee over for 4 1/2 months , saying it was acid reflux, I am ANGRY at myself for not knowing anything about OVCA, I am ANGRY at the doctors that did not try the most agressive treatments while Leslee could still stand them. Yes, Jan, if we could get the same amount of info out to women as breast cancer does, then maybe we could prevent all these deaths and heart aches, I also am ANGRY at all the money spent in surgery, chemos, treatments that take money away from families, that they need so bad for living, cancer takes so much from a family, and it gives back so little. Just to let you know, Leslee is just sleeping away right now. No pain, except for those around her. Be strong gals, and keep fighting, Marty
I am ANGRY that my mother died at 38 from this monster. I am ANGRY that she never saw one of her children reach adulthood, graduate from HS or college, get married, have children or any of the other milestones children want their moms to be there for. I am ANGRY that in 30 yrs the death rates for ovarian cancer have not changed one bit. I am ANGRY that breast cancer seems to get all the money and research. I am ANGRY that breast cancer is so highly preventable and that there are not one or two but three extremely easy tests to detect it. I am ANGRY that only 66% of women now get mammograms which would greatly reduce the number of breast cancer cases & deaths. I am ANGRY that out of the 178,480 women expected to get breast cancer this year 40,460 will die, but that number would drop to 15,520 if women would get breast exams, roughly the same amount of women who will die from ovarian cancer although the incident rate of new ovarian cancer cases will be 21,000. With the 40,460 number that means that 22.5% of breast cancer patients will die. If women would have their mammograms that number would drop to 8.5%. With ovarian cancer roughly 75% of women will die this year and there is not one d@mn test we can take to prevent that. I am ANGRY that our loved ones don't get better grief counseling because they tend to make it harder on us when we finally have to accept and let go. I am ANGRY that the idiot researchers don't understand that funding the more obscure cancers would hugely benefit the more common and easier to treat cancers. I am not angry at God, I am not angry at my mom who probably passed on the mutant gene that got me here, but I am very ANGRY at the medical community who won't give us a good accounting of where the TRILLIONS of dollars have gone in the last 40 yrs of research. I am ANGRY at the Drs., researchers and others in this field have 2 or 3 homes, send their kids to private schools, take expensive vacations, etc instead of drawing a reasonable salary so more money can go to research. I am VERY ANGRY that so many people will be attending funerals this year. I am ANGRY that children will grow up without their mothers because of this. I am ANGRY that young women will never have children or even get married because of this. I try to be calm and accepting but when I saw this post all the reasons for being angry came to the surface. I have been using my anger to hound my representatives in Washington to do something about this outrageous imbalance and I would encourage you all to do the same.
Marty, I am so very sorry for all you are going through. Please know that we are with you in spirit at least. Give Leslee a hug and you as always will be in my prayers.
Love,
Jan
Marty, I am so very sorry for all you are going through. Please know that we are with you in spirit at least. Give Leslee a hug and you as always will be in my prayers.
Love,
Jan
I certainly understand the anger. But I also regardless of all with my beliefs take this as being part of our journey, not the end. As such, although other's may be angry feeling that they have missed something, I take this as my parents are still with me. Everyday, and while, I can't see them, you can bet I know that they are with me, it's just changed, not over.
Karen
Karen
I sure understand the anger. For me it comes form knowing that more could be done to find treatments and an eventual cure. I have contacted the campaign of my presidential candidate. I wrote them with my concerns and they rsponded and gave me the instructions on how to submit any policy suggestions. Let's hope I am listened to so well after the election and not just before I cast my vote! Marie
I lost my dad at age 52 from pancreatic cancer , Im angry also that he never got to know any of his 7 grandchildren and see any of his children get married .I wonder how much money raised is actually used for research and what percentage is adminisrative costs.
Angie
Angie
I also feel ANGRY!!! I lost my mother when I was 20..she was 44!!! Colon Cancer!! Now 20 years later unless it is detected early there is no cure!!! Where are all the funds going to??? I also feel like I lost out on so many things, My mother missed...my wedding..her 2 granddaughters being born...and just being here...and living a pain-free life!!! Are we any closer to a cure...we watch our loved ones suffer..they fight and they get sicker....I just wish we lived in a pain-free world....it is so scary to what is happening in this world...Please be strong for your daughter and know that you have done everything within your control for your daughter...YOU have made all of us very proud and you are an incredible woman. Love, Gia
Yes I am angry at Cancer too.
We DO have to keep fighting, keep asking questions and keep being angry...angry enough so that the Governments start listening.
As I have said many many times before..too much money is being spent on things that DO NOT even matter.
We need to stand up and shout about these cancers. We need research, medicine, agressive treatments for anyone, not just those who are on this or that insurance plan. The drug companies need to become more accountable. Imagine having the amount of money that is being spent right now on political campaigns, to be sunk into cancer research.
My heart goes out to you Marty, you are dealing with the hardest thing that can be dealt with in this world, but you are dealing with it with great dignity and courage. You have every right to be angry at this beast.
I continue to pray for Leslee and will continue the fight as well.
Love and Peace....Kim
We DO have to keep fighting, keep asking questions and keep being angry...angry enough so that the Governments start listening.
As I have said many many times before..too much money is being spent on things that DO NOT even matter.
We need to stand up and shout about these cancers. We need research, medicine, agressive treatments for anyone, not just those who are on this or that insurance plan. The drug companies need to become more accountable. Imagine having the amount of money that is being spent right now on political campaigns, to be sunk into cancer research.
My heart goes out to you Marty, you are dealing with the hardest thing that can be dealt with in this world, but you are dealing with it with great dignity and courage. You have every right to be angry at this beast.
I continue to pray for Leslee and will continue the fight as well.
Love and Peace....Kim
Marty,
I have posted my prayers and support for Leslee and you several times. I understand the anger of Leslee's relatives, friends and co-workers. I lost my Dad to cancer. He was only 63. He still needed to walk me down the isle at my wedding, he still needed to hold his first grandchild, my mom needed him, there were so many things left for him here. But, cancer ripped us off and I am very angry. Then when I learn about other people going through the same thing I get even more angry. Leslee deserves to be here with her family. She does not deserve cancer. Sometimes I wonder why so many good people have to battle this beast while so many evil people thrive in this world. Each night, during my prayers, I pray that someday, there will be no more cancer.
As always, Leslee and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I have posted my prayers and support for Leslee and you several times. I understand the anger of Leslee's relatives, friends and co-workers. I lost my Dad to cancer. He was only 63. He still needed to walk me down the isle at my wedding, he still needed to hold his first grandchild, my mom needed him, there were so many things left for him here. But, cancer ripped us off and I am very angry. Then when I learn about other people going through the same thing I get even more angry. Leslee deserves to be here with her family. She does not deserve cancer. Sometimes I wonder why so many good people have to battle this beast while so many evil people thrive in this world. Each night, during my prayers, I pray that someday, there will be no more cancer.
As always, Leslee and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
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