Anxiety

[Hazel30]

I post here for my Mom but today I will post for myself.  I hope nobody gets offended.  My Mom, 49, has ovca dx 2006 3c and ever since then I havent been myself.  She is currently on her 2nd recurrence and Im not dealing with it very well.  I have constant horrible thoughts all day long of loosing my Mother.  Im even crying as I write this thats how emotionaly unstable I am.  She doing fine though, works and doing her treatments that she just started.  I cant stop these thoughts and starting to believe that my own thoughts are ruining me.  Im irritable and stressed out and its affecting my life.  I can even be happy anymore.  The moment I begin to be happy I start feeling down right away because I feel this dark cloud over me all the time.  Im only happy when Im with my Mom.  Im married with 2 little kids and I think its also affecting my husband, mainly by the way I am towards him.  I look at all my friends and cousins whos Moms are healthy and not battling cancer and I become very down and God bless them.  But why my Mom?  I just dont think I can ever be myself again, full of life, happy and smiling.  What should I do.  My husband says I should see a doctor and get put on some kind of medication.  But what, how can medication every fix my sadness.   Sorry, I just feel like this is the best place to ask.  I've never expressed these feelings  to anyone so thanks for listening.

-Fiana

[elizza]

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in ur feelings.  I know ur mom means the world to you and she is ur best friend.  My mom is also my best friend and I love her so much.  I too, am having trouble sleeping, and focusing on anything but my mom.  She was dx stage 3 c in May 2006.  Her ca-125  has usually remained between 4 and 6.  She just had another ca-125 and it is now 11.  I am so upset and so worried.  She had a ct scan but it came back clear, but I just know something is working its way back.  I also am married with a daughter, and sometimes feel like I am not focusing enough time with her and take things out on my husband.  Like you, I always wanna be with my mom and try to spend as much time with her as possible. This is so hard!  
I just want to let u know that I am thinking of you, and understand what u are going through.  If u ever need to talk,I can give u my email address.   Best of luck to ur mom.  She is lucky to have a daughter like you, who loves her so much!

[Hazel30]

I THANK each and everyone of you who are here to offer me support and kind words.  Its so comforting to know that there are people who understand me because I feel like nobody realizes what Im going through.  Yes this is taking a big toll on my life and my family life and I must find a way to help myself.  I find it very unfair to my husband and my kids that do not get the best of what I can be but Im trying and trying hard every day to not let this affect anyone else.  I build us so much emotions from not being able to express them.  It seems like none of my friends care, nobody calls, and cares to ask how my Mother is doing or even me.  My husband and I are trying to plan a vacation to get my mind of things.  

Thanks again to all of you kind ladies.  I will update once we find out if topotecan is working.  I pray it does.

-Fiana

[kimmywah]

Hi.  I can totally relate to your anxiety and your sadness. I felt exactly the same when my Mum was dx in 1994.  
I work for a counseling service in NZ and know how talking to someone, away from the family, can sometimes help very much.  Just to unburden yourself for a short time can make a lot of difference.
You are obviously very close to your Mum as I am with mine, and I found at the beginning I did not want to speak to her about cancer, I thought it would be upsetting, but she really wanted to talk about it, and I think it was me I was afraid of upsetting.  When we finally did talk about it was very healing and positive and we both felt better and stronger.
My prayers and thoughts are with you and please know you are not alone.

Peace and Love....Kim

[crecco]

Hon, I can understand how depressed that you are. But I have to agree that it would probably not hurt for you to see a Dr about being treated for depression. You cannot let this take over your life. It sounds as if your mom is getting along fine with it all, but then she really does not have a choice. As a mom myself (my son is 29) and close to your moms age (I am 47) I have to tell you tht it is very hard on us too, but we cannot sit and dwell on it. Imagine how much worse it would make you feel if your mom just gave up and sat around crying all of the time. OK now put yourself in your moms shoes and imagine how hard it is on her to see what this is doing to you. I have always said that I hate what this has done to me, but I hate what it has done to my family even worse. So instead of sitting around worrying and thinking the worst, try to start enjoying every day, as that is one more day that you have make beautiful memories.
  You also need to remember that this is also hard on your husband and kids and that they need you now too.
  I wish you the best of luck Hon, in getting past this.  You really can be happy again, and when you can realize that you will begin to see things a lot differently.
  Chris

[momofsandj]

I understand your circumstances.  My sister died of OVCA and my mother fell apart.  Then my mother got depression and then breast cancer.  While she was being treated for the depression I couldn't take it anymore and was treated for depression -- the whole thing was destroying my marriage and my two little kids.  My mother died 5 1/2 years ago and 6 months after that I was diagnosed with OVCA IIIC -- thank g-d i was already on antianxiety and antidepressant meds -- it helped me through.  Then I went off the meds when I went into remission and didn't go back on when I had my first recurrence.  Big mistake -- the anger and the stress again wreaked havoc on my marriage, kids, and job.  When it became clear that I was having a second recurrence I went to a shrink and go the right meds.  It was the best thing I could have done --- While I'm sad and miss my mom every day to this day, and am afraid of eventually leaving my kids behind, the meds keep me from sinking into a hole I can't climb out of.

The meds won't keep you from being sad -- sad is normal under your circumstances -- but they will allow you to keep things in perspective and function in a way that will be helpful to your mom and your family and to you.

My thoughts are with you

[marie3B]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I can say I understand.  My mom had ovca and that was much worse on me than my own ovca.  I also had a horrible time after my dad was diagnosed with late stage prostate cancer.  He went on and lived his life for over 8 years, but I obsessed about him all the time.  For a while I even refused to go on trips because I was afraid I wouldn't be available if he needed me. He traveled all the time and lived a noral life.  My poor husband is very depressed over my cancer.  He doesn't even laugh anymore.  He won't seek help and I can't seem to help him.  Cancer is a horrible thing for families to deal with.  I hope you are able to find some peace and happiness.  A few of my friends have had good luck with a low dose of Zoloft and have no side effects.  One is on 25mg daily and one is on 50mg.. You might want to ask your doc about a mild anti-depressant.  I want you to be happy and I am very sure your mom does too!! Love to you and mom, Marie

[bohan54]

Some cancer centers offer counselling to family members.  Sounds like you're in a depressive loop, meds likely would help.

[Moirapaoletti]

I left my job to stay with my mother all time. My sister also phones her maybe twenty times a day.
Today it's sunday and I feel so bad because I shoud dedicate this time to my son and my husband and not to my mother. I know I will be with them but my mind will be with her. Some people keep on telling me I am wasting the best part of my life....I am scared to loose my mother not time!
The best moment is when I sleep. I am so tired that I suddenly fall asleep. But I wake up in the middle of the night and say: noooo! My mother has cancer! and I cannot do anything else for her.
I went to doctor and get some treatments for depression. I hope they could work.
The only one able to give me a reason to survive is my cousin. She lost her mother, 53, one year ago. She tells me: everymoment with her must be special, and you have to make it that way, hug her as much as you can, make her laugh and laugh together.Forget house cleaning and go out for a walk, whatch an old movie with her, go to hairdresser together... Try to convince God that it's not time to call her.
I pray for you and your mother

[Searching48507]

I can totally relate to how you are feeling.  My doctor prescribed xanax for me and it helped tremendously.  I didn't take it as often as the prescription called for, but on bad days, I would take 1/2 of one and it allowed me to calm down, focus, and live.  My mom had a very frank discussion with me because she saw what was happening with me.  She was the one that told me that she was fighting this and that it was in God's hands. She also reminded me that not one of us have any guarantees and that at anytime it could be our time.  Our motto then became, Live, Laugh, and Love.

Please at a minimum, go to your doctor.  For your 2 little ones sake and for the sake of your marriage.  Your husband and children need you as well and if you can't get some relief, you will break.  

Prayers and Hugs,

Karen

[msjazz]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. But I do understand. I have seen all your posts to Dr. Goodman, and how hard you are trying to help your mom. You have your husband and children to take care of also, you must be so tired.
Some people are helped by antidepressents, but some actually get worse. If you go that route, be sure to have very close monitering until you see what effect you would have. I hope you are able to get some sleep. Group therapy or even individual counseling might help, if you can find the time. I know your mom doesn't want this for you. She may get a good remission, and as you see, there are many ladies on here that are years out from diagnosis. Try to do some things with your children and husband that you enjoy. As always, we are here for you.    Donna

[silver&gold]

Hi Fiana,
I can understand how you feel , it is a horrible feeling that I can identify with , my father had cancer and carried on working and trying to carry on as normally as possible, at the time I was living at home with him and there was just the 2 of us .He could see how I was suffering with worry and it made him feel guilty !! I thought that I was good at hiding my feelings from him but I was kidding myself . Your mum would be so upset that you are feeling so sad , have you spoken to your mum about it? . I felt better after I spoke to dad, I told him how much I loved him and we had a really good talk about things . Its true that medication can be helpful but it won,t change the situation just dampen the heightened feelings of anxiety .

Take care  Angie

[Teresa222]

Fiana,
You are depressed and rightfully so.

I recommend two books: The Holy Bible and The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, for starters.

I also recommend that you see a doctor to perhaps get a prescription for an anti-depressant.  

What you are experiencing is felt by many people in your shoes.  All of us have to learn to work through our fears.

Fiana, take care of you too through this.  My daughter has had a difficult time dealing with all the emotions too.  Your moods will stabilize, but not overnight.  God will give you the ability to get through this, but not over it.
You are in my prayers starting right now.
Teresa