Are we doing too much?

[JansGirls]

Our mom was recently diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She is currently on her second round of chemo. She has one more round to go before a full hysterectomy and removal of other cancerous tissues. She is tired and complains of being weak. We are doing everything ( cooking, cleaning, taking care of business, etc. ) Our concern is that in doing all of this we are weakening her, by her not having to do anything. Is this logical? Are there smaller things that she can do?

[Memmers]

I was in the same boat as u.  My mom had chemo and we did everything for her as she sat on the couch.  Her chemo nurse has explained to us that she would feel tired the first four days after chemo but should be regaining her strength there after.  She told my mom that although she felt tired she should still try to push herself to go outside for some fresh air.  We all have to listen to our bodies but we sometimes get in a ruth and can become lazy.  I know the way my mom is, she can sometimes take advantage of stituations.  She had laparoscopic surgery to remove stones and was in bed for a month.  So I constantly was on her and she did push herself and in the end she thanked me. Don't have her do major stuff but have her shower and get out of her PJ's.  Even if she sits outside for 30 minutes it's a plus.  Good Luck

[marie3B]

I wish your mom the best of care and the best outcome from treatment. She has some great children!! Love to all, Marie

[JansGirls]

If we are blessed enough to have the Lord bless my mom with her health back, I will be more than happy to come out to you!! You are definetely under no obligation to your kids, if they are old enough to make their own messes they are old enough to take care of them. Do you have any other family members who can sit them down and explain to them that this is not acceptable behavior??
Maybe I should have nicknamed us as Jansfamily as she also has 3 "sons" who are maintaining their homes while their wives are busy with mom. These ideas are great! I've told my mom about this place and the many survivors who are on here. It brought a smile to her face. I will keep you all posted!

[kimmywah]

Hi there,

Just wanted to lend my support to you as the others have.  If you have read my profile, my Mum is a nearly fourteen year Ovca survivor, but i can totally relate to how you are feeling.  Just let her slowly do what she wants to do.  You and she will know if she is pushing it too much.
You have come to the right place, as I'm sure you already know, to be supported, well informed and included in this wonderful 'family'.
May I also say I think you are a wonderful daughter and I bet your Mum knows that..so well.  
Marie,
You need to Just Say No.  Because your children sound like they are pretty selfish and definitely too expecting of you.  I cannot even fathom what they are thinking leaving you with their errands, babysitting and big messes for you to clean up.  I'm sorry but they need a short sharp kick in the butt!!  You me darlin, need to take some time out for yourself and not even worry if they will be in shock.  My goodness you have enough to worry about without having to worry about picking up after them!!  

If I was in America I would come and mow your lawn for you!!
Love and Peace...Kim

[marie3B]

I think the only way I can get some help from daughters is if I am somehow allowed to adopt you!!!  I am quite sure your mom won't want to share you, so I am just out of luck!  Even though I am off chemo, I am not what I once was. I am weak, forgetful and have trouble making decisions.  This does not stop my daughters from running me like crazy.  I am their taxi, their bank and the baby-sitter for the oldest girl's newborn. They make huge messes and leave them for me.  I try to get them to help, but I am too weak to push the issue.  I was so tired yesterday that I had trouble walking from my car to my house.  I do all I can because I want to contribute to the family, but I am stretched beyond my limits.  I told them I need the whole weekend to myself.  When they find out I am serious that I will be unavailable I am sure they will go into shock!!  I applaud you for being so good to your mom.  Marie

[JansGirls]

Loved the photo, she's very into hats! I think the bracelet making is also a great idea, we can incorporate my neice into it as well. She is extremely close with our mom, and I'm sure feels worried, this would be a great thing for them to do together. She actually sat outside today! Thank you all so much for your support and great ideas, I told her about the site and she smiled, and just said when she feels up to it maybe she'll take a look around. Many blessings to you all!!

[Jan214]

I don't remember what all the others say, but when I say "round"  I am not referring to one of the six treatments.  I mean: 1st round was 6 treatments with carbo/taxol, second round was 12 treatments with Gemzar and this next round will be 18 treatments with Topotecan.  Also, all this advice is coming from caregivers, (good perspective for you) people who currently have cancer, people who are in remission, people who luckily never had chemo, just surgery etc.  So the advice you are getting is all over the spectrum and not necessarily from a vantage point of where your mom is now.

I put a photo up on my photo page just for your mom.  I think she will get a kick out of it.  It is obvious what my choice of head covering is and they even grow well in our hard TN dirt.  LOL  If you don't know how to get to someones photos let me know and I tell you.  
Jan

[dian07]

I swear by laughter.....any and all laughter.....the harder the laugh the better ( I found myself in the bathroom more often than I wanted even if I crossed my legs really tight!).  Stupid laughter.....stupid shows.....even AFV landed me on the floor laughing (actually, sometimes I started the program sitting on the floor leaning back on the couch in front of the t.v.).  Jackie Chan, Chris Farley, Who was that wonderful pianist from overseas....can't think of his name......so many funny, funny people out there.  The stupider the better for me.......my family loves the Chevy Chase family vacations.....there is that Christmas one....Mixed Nuts......Look at the Saturday Night original actors.....some of those original Saturday Night episodes.....Gilda Radner......those Wild and Crazy Guys (Steve Martin and what's his name)......so many crazy people from your mom's  youth.....I am three years out from chemo and still deal with chemo-brain....anyway you get the idea.  Before I was really sick I didn't appreciate stupid humor.....I do now.
Just an idea.  TAke my word for it......you cannot do too much for your mom right now.....sounds like she has never been a lazy woman waiting for others to take care of her.  I have raised 7 children and believe me.....when I realized I now knew when someone said " I don't have the energy to lift my head off the pillow"  they mean just that.  It is hard to let others wait on you when you are so used to and enjoy doing for others.....she needs your help and she trusts you to know how grateful she is.
Please let your mom know she is not alone in fighting this disease and I am so glad she isn't alone physically either!
Peace.
dian

[vegas2cr]

How about crossword puzzles.  And beading necklaces etc.. I wore ball caps as they did not hurt my head... I have a wig which I wore once.. I had ball caps in every color and style...I think keeping busy is important... no matter what or how...Best wishes to your Mom.. Ronni

[msjazz]

I did get a wig, that I wore some if I went public. But for home ,check the website, headcovers.com. I got some soft thin knit little turbans that I even slept in. I think they were $8 and washable. I also got little velco bangs for the front when I did wear the turbans to chemo. ( My head got cold at night too) They have tons of headcover ideas, she might like to pick out something (Does she use a computer, or could she see the pics?) If not maybe you could print some for her to see.  Donna

[SimplyStar]

It is very hard to visulize another persons strengths and abilities over the net, however I am taking a chance here,  your words are tired and weak,  weakness can be caused by misuse of the body parts meant for motion,  tiredness can come from the same thing,  and also from boredom and stress and distress.  Depending on your Mothers ability to participate in daily activities, I would say observe her and see what she needs,  With a degree in Social work I am sure you have had human behavior  classes,  There is more to making a person comfortable than cooking and cleaning,  the total system needs attention,  After my daughters surgery and when her chemo began, we made up a plan, the planning was done with her help and  those that volunteered to help. Family, friends, neighbors, you name it, we made it fun for all, Leslee had always had a kind of schedule  of household connected chores, we tried to stick to that, she was told that if she felt like helping , fine, but that to tax her strength was not good. We didn't hover over her, we allowed her space,  we kept it light and cheerful, not a sense of "pay back time"  but the complete sense of helping someone that needs it.  This plan took us through the first 6 months, in that time she was able to fight the disease and get her strength back and she returned to work part time, help is still offered as needed, but to give a woman back "her house"  and sense of worth , is very important.  When a doctor says  activity as tolerated, that does not mean taking 5 mile walks, but it does mean that  activity to keep the blood moving is essential.  Removing any stress is important, also being alert to some of the factors that come along with chemo, constipation, nausea, pain.  Because of the changes that are happening to her, many changes are going on, research all you can to find out proper nutrion, fluid intake and suppliments if wanted or needed, to be a caregiver  can be a joy or a chore,  I consider my place with her as a JOY.  There is so much you can learn from these ladies.  marty

[JansGirls]

She's a very arts and crafts type of person, so that's a good idea. I think we'll also get her some more games for her DS. I think she may be embarrassed, as she has lost her hair. So I think that's why she doesn't leave the house as well. I know she's not going to be anywhere near as active as she was for a long time. She has a great attitude about it all and says that the "chemo is just gobbling up that tumor". It's so nice to hear all of your stories and to meet people that are and have survived this. Kudos and good Kharma to you all!! Like I said I was terrified when I heard and did research, I have since put the reseach away as it is still a little too scary. Just taking it day by day!

[LizT06]

I just finished chemo 2.5 months ago  and remember the cumulative effect building as time went on.  During the first three rounds I was pretty good.  Only had about 3 really tired days and the rest were just days that I got tired around 2 or 3 pm.  Napping helped but I didn't just sit around all day either.  Walking is good.  By the sixth round I was tired a lot.  I still did things just not as energetically. I do take a lot of supplements too.  We are all different but I feel really good now - except for the minor neuropathy.  I am back to walk/jogging and light workouts.  I don't even get tired in the afternoon but by 9:30 I am definitely ready for bed.  

So - to answer your question - I was told to be as active as I wanted but not to push too much because I needed to help rest the body to rebuild blood cells.  I think I found the balance.  Also - I am 46 so age was on my side too.

[Jan214]

Oh, I started a spreadsheet for my garden.  I have so many plants and it is hard for me now to remember when to fertilize what, what plants can't have mulch at the base, when to prune..spring or fall? etc.  If she is a gardener that would be a good thing to do if she has excel or lotus.

[bohan54]

Does she have a laptop?  I like to play games on Yahoo.  She might also want to join MedHelp herself!

[msjazz]

I did, but its seems we have "too much money" and small town they know us. I did just get our envelope from them for our annual office donation. I don't have hard feelings about it, though, ACS, St. Jude, and Autism get our contributions.
It will work out, Johnny may just have to learn to grocery shop. Maybe when I get back to civilization, I will be inclined to go myself. I am 30 miles out in the woods now. I will miss the wild animals, I would get up and look out everyday to see them.
Did she ever crochet or anything. You could request a bed or sofa cover, would she use a laptop and join us, is she where she can see or feed the birds? ( you would need to feed them for her to see, germs) I never had time to read, but my sister sent me some books and I enjoyed them.
I spend most of my time watching television. I ordered all the Frazier and Cheers cd's, now I just send for rentals to watch. I think of lots to do, but just no energy.   Donna

[Jan214]

Dear Jansgirls,

Wow, this is hard for me to write.  My girls are 4 hours away and come as often as they can but I would love to have them here.  Cancer is a roller coaster ride.  I have 3c and am on my 2nd recurrence.  During the first chemo which is usually carbo/taxol, I felt horrible for about a week and a half and pretty good for about a week and 1/2 and could get a lot done before the next chemo.  It took a couple of months after chemo to feel okay.  I had 4 months in between the first round and my 1st recurrence so I had two months to bust a$$ and get stuff done.  When I started back I was okay for the first 3 treatments and in the hospital 8 times during the second 3. For most of that treatment though, my entire days energy was spent crawling down the stairs in the morning.  I have not had chemo since Feb and have felt pretty good since the middle of April and today I am cleaning out the shed, replanting everything in the yard, cutting new beds and generally wearing myself out like I used to.  I start chemo again on Tues and have been told that with this drug I will need blood transfusions and will most likely be heaving my guts out again (although my onc and I ARE going to have a chat about that). I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.  Sometimes it is depressing, for gosh sakes we have cancer, but if your mom has usually been a pretty happy person she should do alright.  That is not to say that at times the depression won't get overwhelming, and all the antidepressants and shrinks in the world won't help.  
I was pretty naive during my first chemos, like most of us and I thought if I went to the gym 3 times a week like I used to I would be okay.  WRONG  I got to the gym alright, but only to do water exercises on OCCASION.  Than I thought, "well, I'll just combat this fatique with No Doze".  That was about THE single dumbest thing I have ever done. (Alright, all of you that know me quit laughing)  You can't force your way into having energy with this.  The supplement suggestions are good and I do those, but still....
I wish your family all the luck in the world, but please don't push your mom to do anything she doesn't want to do.  You will be in my prayers.
JansGirls Mom
PS My girls are Katie and Kelly

[JansGirls]

Have you contacted your local Cancer society for when you move ( I'm a social worker and am all about giving options), they may know of some volunteers who are willing to run to the grocery store, and assist with cleaning.

Again my sisters and I are just thankful to have our mom, they said her blood count was normal last friday, she gets it checked again this friday.

We feel like it's finally our time to give back to her, for everything she's done for us ( I don't think we can ever truly repay her, but we're trying). Are there any activities you enjoyed while being bed ridden? I think just sitting around watching TV is boring her to tears, as she never liked to watch TV alot before. My sisters and I are trying to think of activities for her to do while she's down, other than just sitting in front of a TV.

[JansGirls]

She is 62, has always been a young go getter. She actually has felt ok the day after, up until the fourth day as you have said. We're actually the blessed ones, she's truly a great lady. Thank you for your kind words!

[msjazz]

Having been there, and again on chemo, the thought of anyone not helping can throw us into a panic. I have a lady that has done everything for me as far as cleaning and shopping, but we are thinking about moving back to town. I am worrying already about who will help me with groceries and cleaning. My mom is 81, and my sister has a 20 yr. old autistic son and works as an r.n. full time. My husband tries, but he is not a grocery shopper or house cleaner.
She is very lucky to have you girls helping her. Are her red and white blood counts low. That and nausea are 2 things that really zap us. I do take shots for my blood counts and also vit. B12 injections, and emergencie brand vitamin C , but due to low red counts I stay really weak.
I hope her surgery goes well, that is pretty tough on us too. Be sure she does move around after that to prevent blood clots and pneumonia. My doctor ordered "boots" for my hospital bed until I could walk.  Best wishes  Donna

[JansGirls]

No worries, forums can be hard to read someone's meaning sometimes! I'm glad to hear your back to yourself ( or close to). My mom has only had to have the one blood transfusion right after the diagnosis. Thanks for sharing your story, I was terrified at first after reading about her diagnosis on line. It helps to find people who are making it through!!

Again no apologies needed, just the way a forum is sometimes :)

[Cindy809]

I agree with BeachGal7.  I'm an OVCA patient.  My husband is my caretaker.  My children help when they can.  You are not at the wrong site.  This is a great place to be if you have any questions or concerns about your Mom.   Go as she goes.  It is such a roller coaster ride.  Just stay by her side and keep doing what you are doing.  Take it day by day.  How old is she?  When I was doing carbo/taxol I would feel bad around the fourth day and then started feeling better until the next treatment.  She will be feeling very tired and weak after her surgery.  She will probably be taking pain meds.  The doctor will recommend for her to move around a few days after her surgery.  Even if it is a few steps.  The healing process takes time.  She will then start her treatment again.  So, she might be a little weaker during her treatments.  She is so blessed to have you there!  Hope this helps.....Cindy

[vegas2cr]

Perhaps I misunderstood your question.. If I did then I apologize.  I am happy that you are supportive.. trust me when I say let her do what she thinks she can.  You can never do too much...and it is not doing her any harm.  She needs you very much.. both physically and emotionally...

After 2 surgeries, chemo and one minor surgery I am pretty much myself... and it is now 13 months since my first diagnosis... we all have different timetables... on healing.. and feeling good.. it took me many blood transfusions until I could even walk one block.. now I can walk several miles.. also I have been able to put back the weight Ilost which I needed.,

Again I apologize if I misunderstoon your question... Ronni

[JansGirls]

Thanks Beach Gal, we were thinking the same thing. She says she's tired of just sitting around. She was never one to just sit around and do nothing. We ask her what she'd like to do and she says I don't know what I'm allowed to do. We've talked with her doctor, he says she can do whatever she wants and feels up to doing. Again, I guess since we're new to this we're worried about screwing it up somehow.