End-of-Life Planning?

[PF_PVD]

What no one wants to talk about but those of us with cancer surely think about…

I have always been a planner.  When I began recurring, I panicked but once we had a treatment plan, I was fine.  Also, I’ve had good times and I’ve had bad times, and I know you don’t always get warnings about the bad times.  Things can change so fast.  Last month, I went from working full time and enjoying life to being hospitalized, having surgery, major tumor growth, and having to take nourishment through a tube—in less than one week!  Everytime I go into the hospital now, I wonder if I will come out again.  So, I’ve already made some decisions about my death.  I can make them now while I am relatively pain-free and not rushed.  Probably the most important one being unusual these days—I don’t want to die at home.  I have lived in this town for less than two years, and lived here only 9 months when I was diagnosed (my company moved me here for a job).  The move happened so fast, that we sold our house in FL and decided to rent here and look to buy later.  Well, we won’t be buying anytime soon, now with my health issues and work uncertainty.  This place I live is just that and holds no attachment for me.  Fortunately, we have a great oncology floor at my hospital with a very good nursing staff.  My understanding is that you can have hospice in the hospital, too.  My husband is a hoverer because he wants to make everything right, and he would never get (take) a break at home.  I have to force him out of my hospital room.  The burial stuff is easy, as I think it’s a waste of real estate.  

I’ve also been told that ovca will be what “gets” me, and I’ve discovered I’m OK with that.  I actually like knowing this, as I feel somewhat in control.  I also know that I will have warning—that I don’t have to worry about being a frail old lady who drops dead in the supermarket aisle with her droopy breasts bared to the public in an attempt by paramedics to save her life!  I’m sorry to be flip, but I think a terminal diagnosis earns me the right.  

So, have others thought about these end-of-life issues or I am just weird?  Don’t waste your pity on me, as I don’t feel particularly sad thinking about these things, because as I said I like to plan and I do feel some measure of control over my life.  It’s actually very empowering.  Can we please hear from only those who are actually dealing with advanced cancer, as there is very little of that on the forum these days?  Unless you actually have cancer, your perspective on this topic is far different from those of us who do.  I hope you will respect this.  Paula

[Teresa222]

Speaking of getting ready for what may happen to me.....I recently placed quite a few of my doll collection on eBay.  Boy did I mess up by listing them too low with no minimum!
Several people got $100 + dolls for $9.99. Live and learn, I guess.  My next time around I am going to be accused of price gauging. LOL I have time, plenty of time.....to wait for the right price! People taking advantage of a po gal with OVCA should be ashamed of themselves. ;)
Teresa

[SimplyStar]

I learned a very hard lesson many years ago. My gramma died when I was 12, she had always followed my Mom and Dad in all their moves  and always sat up her own little house, it was a haven for me, in those last years, my brothers were gone to war, Mom and Dad were busy just trying to pay the bills. My Dad was 1 of 4 children, they never visited or helped out with bills but when Gramma passed they desended like Hawks to fight over her meager belongings.  I stood back in a corner and watched and listened and cried. That was when, at my young age, I vowed that this would never happen again. Since then I have seen variations of the same thing happen when greedy relatives plunder the "collections" of a life. I have told this same story to my children and told them how unhappy I would be if they ever fought over anything of mine that I leave behind. I have been going through some of my "collections" and for the past 2 years, I gave many of those things as Christmas presents.  Of the precious thingsa I have left, I have them listed in a codicil with my will. I add and delete to it frequently. It is very hard  when you reach the time when you know time is short to take care of these things, the smallest thing may be a treasure to you,   but trash to another. Which of my kids would treasure  a "Dance Card"  from my Prom?  That is my memory  not theirs, probably wouldn't even sell on EBay. Taking care of the big things was easy, but all this small stuff takes a hell of a lot of time.  I have always admired the organized person that had a place for everything and made it easy for others. My life has been a clutter of memories, I watched my 3 older brothers gather my Moms memories into boxes to take to the dump.  I stopped them cold, was I being the Greedy one? No, I was being sentimental and trying to hang on to my Mother for just a little longer.  Am I able to do this for my kids, or shall I just send that Dance Card to the dump?  The only thing you can take with you when you die,  are your secrets, but to completely erase all those memories  does not leave a legacy for others that loved you.  So I am leaving hints for them that I lived, loved, laughed and had substanance.  There is still a lot to do, and I am sure I will not finish it all, maybe I will just frame that Dance card and give it to a grandchild to hang in their garage.  Love ya all , marty
,

[crecco]

I guess that this is something many of us just do not like to talk about, yet we just cannot ignore it.
I found out about a year ago that my mom had put back a CD just for me, in case that i should go first. It is to remain in my name even should my mom go first so that nobody will be burdened with the expenses of a funeral. That is something that I had worried about only having one child, and it has eased my mind immensly knowing that all will be taken care of. I also started on a living will about a year ago. As many of you know my better half is in prison and I am hoping that I will still be here when he comes home, but whether I am or not  I wanted everyone to have an idea of what to do with everything. I am a collector of antiques and I wanted everyone to have something if they want. But I especially wanted my grandkids to have some of my things to remember me by. All of this I have specified. What I did was to go and buy a journal and start writing. I have also added a few letters and plan on adding a few more.
  I too hate hearing that "anyone could be hit by a car " ****. Yes they could, but more that likely they won't! We have to face reality at some point and I think that most of us know, that the cancer is what will eventually get us. But I still want to live each day to the fullest. As long as I am still feeling pretty good, I won't worry about it all just yet. It does make me feel better though to know that i have started taking the upperhand. I also intend on planning my funeral and maybe even writing my own obituary. I guess to some this all may sound morbid, but under the circumstances, there is nothing morbid about it at all.
I also started cleaning and clearing out stuff as soon as I felt like it. Why leave it for my family to deal with?
It is good that we talk of this as it is a part of our lives everyday. But a part that we just do not speak of often. And hopefully it is something that will be a long time yet for all of us!
  Love to you all,
  Chris

[Helmar]

Hello.. and thankyou for your thoughts re my son.I feel that his loss has probably made me stronger in facing ovca. To me, there is nothing worse than losing a child.
I hope you are doing fine, and all is going well in your little part of the world. Hugs..Helen..

[marie3B]

One of my least favorite things is when someone gives me the "anyone could be hit by a car tomorrow!" line. In my case it isn't even true because I am so careful about looking both ways when I cross the street!!

The new thing that keeps coming up is people that warn me about chemo. They say it is poison and does more harm than good. They say they'd never put it in their bodies. I bet the tune would change when faced with a diagnosis like mine!  A dear friend of mine goes to an osteopath in Chicago. He asked his osteopath what I should be doing. The advice was incredible. He said he is not big on chemo and recommends I strengthen my liver by eating beef liver. Oh, if only it were so easy!!

Thanks for "listening",

Marie

[lucymullis]

Paula, we have so little control of this cancer, so I think controlling what happens to us during and after life is so appropriate.  
Becky, it really makes me furious that you have to deal with this.  So totally unfair.
Helen, I am so sorry about the passing of your son.  
Kimchi, I regret that you don't get the acknowledgment you deserve from your sister.
Jan, I am totally with you, girl.  The "you could get hit by a bus" analogy is the one thing that drives me mad!!  When I am told that, I suggest the person think about sitting on the freeway tied up seeing a mack truck coming directly at you.  That's what it is like for us.  No comparison at all!

I hear you all talking about peace.  Would you share how you feel peace about what will happen to you when you die?  We talk very little about spiritual things and I don't understand why.