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Ovarian Cancer Community
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272338 tn?1252280404

I HATE THIS DAMN DISEASE!!

  sorry to yell and I do not mean to offend, but this has been a really rough day. I hope that someone out there has an extra shoulder for me this evening. The first time, it only took 12 days, and by the time 3 weeks was up this time, I had convinced myself it wasn't going to happen. That was my big mistake. They kept telling me it would, but the more time that went by, I thought that maybe I was one of the lucky ones. But no such luck. Reality slapped me in the face this afternoon when I realized that my hair is starting to fall out. To say it sounds so petty compared to what some of you are going through and I do not in any way mean to minimize anyone elses fight right now. I just thought that it might be easier the second time. But you know what? It isn't. It is just as hard if not harder. With everything that we all have to go through with this damn disease, it just doesn't seem right that we have to be bald on top of it. I do apologize for being such a baby about it because I know that it is hard for everyone.
  I went to my girlfriends this afternoon and told her to have her shears ready. I should have gone ahead and done it today but just wasn't quite ready. I figure that i have until about Tues before it gets bad enough that I will just have her shave it. Her husband was so sweet nd told me if it would help, he would shave his head also. I hate being so weak about something like thisbut right now when i am having a good day and I look in the mirror, I can almost forget that i have cancer. But just like before, when that bald head stares back at me, it is thrown in my face every damn day.
  Sorry again. I will be alright in a few days when I have gotten used to it. But right now I just needed a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for being there. Love you all, Chris
31 Responses
187666 tn?1331173345
Ah darling, I think it's fine if you want to yell. Sometimes it's the only thing that helps. Crying is good too but makes your eyes puffy :-) You have a regular forest of shoulders to lean on here. Hugs.
408448 tn?1286883821
You are not weak and you are not being a baby. When my hair fell out the worst started happening at the social security office. A huge pile of my brown hair was all over the desk. The s.s. caseworker was so nice to me I started to cry. I added to her desk a puddle of tears AND snot. I left her a real mess. Marie
398758 tn?1248220291
Oh, sweet lady.  Take some time and feel GOOD AND SORRY for yourself.
Done?  I shaved my head before I even started chemo.  It took me a while to look at myself in the mirror, that's for sure.  I have a great quote for you; something which my husband said as I prepared for the loss of my hair.  I told him I was really embarrassed about the thought of waking up next to him, bald, in the morning.  He asked, "Would you rather wake up bald, or wake up dead?"
Another time I felt down, he took me to a ritzy department store and bought me dress hats.  SO FUN!  I bought 3 of them.  Even wore them to teach in.
I'm sorry you feel so miserable.  Oh, sweet lady, you'll look back in a few years and won't even be able to remember what being bald felt like!
You can do it!  Go for it, girl!  Bald is beautiful!
Mushiness,
Kathy
282804 tn?1236833591
Honey, you go right ahead and scream and yell all you want.  There are plenty of strong shoulders for you to lean on.  For those of us that have been through it we know it is devastating.  For those of you who will hopefully never have to go through it, multiple how bad you think it would be by a million and you would be getting close.  
I never cried because I had cancer, but I cried buckets at the IDEA of losing my hair and I was absolutely  inconsolable when I ACTUALLY did lose my hair.  I haven't felt like a girl since than.  I can only imagine what it is like to have to go through it more than once.  I know that finding out about my recurrence was far worse than being told I had cancer so I can see how the second time with this would be just unbearable.  You are right it isn't fricking fair.  There isn't anything fair about this disease.  It is not petty or childish to cry over losing something that is so directly connected to how you feel about yourself.  It is hard to feel good when you see that staring back at you.  It is surreal and everytime you look at yourself you will be reminded of what you are going through.  My hair has stopped growing because of the Gemzar and as much as people say it looks cute I absolutely hate it.  If I poured some red food color on it I would look like bozo the clown.  I swear it isn't any better than being bald and I still wear hats all the time even at home cause I hate it so fricking much I can't even stand to look at it.  However, I know that one of these days in the really distant future it will be long again and I will be able to do something with it and not have to wear hats.  So will yours.  Maybe we should all get together and go out with our bald heads and see what kind of responses we get when 50 bald women walk into a restaurant.  Oh, I know how to get attention to our cause.  We should all go to a major sporting event bald headed and the camermen are sure to want to know about that.  Cory just suggested getting together outside of one of the morning shows.  We would for sure get on camera and maybe even get a story out of it.  That would be one way to turn this lousy sh*t into something good.  
Chris, have a good cry for like a week or two and remember you are still you whether or not you have hair.  I love you just the way you are.  You just lean on me and know that you can cry, and **** & moan all you want and I'll cry with you.
Love,
Jan
Avatar universal

                                      
                                    o OO o
                                  O          O     Here's a shoulder for you ...    
                                  O          O         /           ....always available, reserved for you.
                                   o        o          /         ....Love you a lot, Chris.
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408448 tn?1286883821
I'll cry with you too. In fact I'm choked up right now. Jan's post is to heartfelt & true. I never cried about my cancer either. I cried 3times about myself during this. One time was my hair. Next was when my jeans fell down at the video store because I lost 30 pounds. And last, I cried because my I/P port hurts when people hug me, but I still want the hugs. Now I think it is funny that my pants fell off. Then, not so funny. Love, Marie
167426 tn?1254086235
I found this artical by a woman expressing her thoughts about  being bald  

When my hair started to grow back, I had a very funny thing happen to me. It happened during those first few days when I decided that I was no longer going to wear wigs, scaves, hats or turbans. So, I’m walking down the street and a woman came up to me and said, "I love your hair, where did you get it done." I hated to do it to her, but I said, "Why Dana Farber, of course." I felt kind of bad when I saw this shocked look on her face, but then I immediately apologized and we both laughed about it.

I am sorry Chris  to hear your deep thoughts about this, it is something that you cannot  prevent, it is hard to accept, but if you can learn to laugh at it, that will help you in the long run.  There is in everyones life,  times when we are tested to the  limits, it is how we face those times that make us stronger than we were before.  I have worked for years with people with all kinds of disabilities, most of them have no chance of changing their fate, but you do have that chance,  you are being given a chance to beat this damn disease and it is helped by having a positive attitude and an acceptance of what you are inside that counts.  I have had a hard time, at times, to get people to accept my son, but most now look at him as a person, not an "oddity",  he could not prevent who he was when he was born, the acceptance had to come from others, because he accepts who he is.  I do not know you personally, but I hear  strength  in your posts and I know you will  come to grips with all this and push on towards a positive image of yourself.  Marty
Avatar universal
I so wish I could hug everyone -- just give me a plane and free gasoline (and maybe a pilot's license) and I'll fly around and visit everyone -- pass out my hugs in person! It makes me feel sick to my stomach to read about all that you guys have gone through and continue to go through. You're right Jan, I honestly can't fathom the pain, vomiting/chemo crud, hair loss (I'd probly break a few mirrors before I could look at myself) and all the shiznit you guys deal with! But to see you here for each other makes me respect you all to the umpteenth degree!! Crying is a good thing -- actually I could do a little more of it -- and I'd probly feel better, maybe later! We're allowed to feel any way we want no matter what folks think! I love you all sooooo much -- I just wish I could reach out to you more. You all are special ladies that I am privileged to share some talk-time with! -- Hugs --
Fran
106886 tn?1281291572
Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you tonight.

Love, Mary
107366 tn?1305680375
COMMUNITY LEADER
The great thing about this site is you never have to apologize for your true feelings.  Like Jan, being told I had cancer didn't make me cry.  But the first thing I asked my surgeon, groggy from anesthesia, is, "Am I going to lose my hair?"  I think of the irony of that.  I'm laying in recovery with 85 staples down my abdomen, having just been told I have cancer, and the first thing that crossed my mind was my hair.  I was never the type of person who had anything of which anyone would jealous.  I was never the one with beautiful skin, a nice figure, or good legs.  But, my hair was my crown.  No one ever said, "I wish I looked like you", but they all said, "I wish I had hair like you."  It was my security blanket.  Without it, people know you are sick.  It it truly the most unfair thing about this disease.  When I started treatment for my recurrence last May, I knew it was coming again, and I was so not ready.  After I stopped Topotecan, it started growing back.  It was slow, but it was hair.  Then came Taxotere in December.  Third time's a charm, right?  So now I'm picking hair off my pillow and out of the shower drain.  Trying to take it in stride, but its not that easy.

I hope you are feeling a little better tonight.  It is a bitter pill, but we'll do everything we can to help you through it.  Love and prayers to you.

Gail    
135691 tn?1271097123
Chris...I am so worried and wondering when it will happen for me too. I have some saying I'll lose it, some saying I won't and some saying about 40% will fall out...like that makes it any better. I sat here today, running my fingers through my hair and taking a deep breath before I looked at my hands, ready to prepare myself for the inevitable. I do this every single day. There is no preparing for it...I should know that by now. Like Gail, this will be my third time losing my hair. It does get harder...I hate the looks you get, the "poor you" stares...I hate that everytime I looked in the mirror, I was reminded I had cancer. To say it's "just hair"...well, the people who usually say that don't actually have to lose their hair. I'm so sorry Chris...that's all I know to say. You know it will get better...it just takes time.
Love Becky
Avatar universal
Have you looked at the website  headcovers dot com?   Some of the items they sell are really cute and it is a nice site.    

Don't forget about this one too   survivormovie dot com  

Like Mary said, I am thinking of you ladies tonight...

Love and hugs from
Katie
41502 tn?1223517053
I am so sorry you are feeling bad. I didn't shave my head the first time, it was fairly long. but I cut it short. My came out gradually, and I kept curring around it. A fter it came back, I got a couple of the cotton turbans from headcovers dot com. They were so lite and comfortable. I even slept with them. I haven't lost mine yet, but will probably be changing chemo in 2 week, so I don't know about then. It is devastating To think about for me too. Mine is just now long enough that I quit wearing my wig out. ( I have ears that stick out, I have always tried to cover them with my hair. ) I  bought 3 wigs last yr, all different lengths and colors.One thing about it I. could get ready to go a lot faster.
Love Donna
Avatar universal
Hi Chris,

I totally agree with you...I hate this disease.  I am so sorry you are having to go through this again.   Please don't ever be sorry for saying anything.  I am sending you cyber hugs and prayers that tomorrow will be a better day!  I hope you are sleeping better.  I am not.  

Love,  Shelly
229895 tn?1261601948
I had exactly the same response when my doctor said that I would have to have chemotherapy my question was "Will I lose my hair"? and when he said yes I got off the phone and cried.

The first time it really struck me that I was a cancer paitient was after my second cyle of chemo I was at my parents looked in the mirror I was bald and had a big red blotch for some reason or other on my face and I lost it it was a reality check S...t!!! I have cancer then I lost it.

It is an unfair reality of fighting this disease that we have to lose our hair. I did ask my doctor after I finished chemo why can't they find something that attacks the target and not the person, which unfortunately at this stage it hasn't happened my fingers crossed something like that isn't far away.

Remember Chris with or without hair you are still you just a much more stronger version of you.

I hope you are starting to feel a little better

Lots of Hugs

Jenny
Avatar universal
You are beautiful...on the inside and out..with hair, without hair, with tears and with a smile.  You are you, no matter what.  No one can take that away and we all love you to pieces.

Hope you're feeling better soon, and remember you'll be cooler through the hot flushes and those little birdies will have the best nests in the countryside if you fluff it off outside ...and, some time in the not too distant future, you'll have new beautiful fuzz, then sprouts, then hair back, and this will all be in the past, and so will the dammm beastie!

Ride through it, favourite mate, and know that we're all riding with you. xxx
Avatar universal
My heart is breaking with you and I know the feeling.  I am sending you my love and hugs and hope... Please Chris go buy the book "Its not about the hair" it will help I promise.. Hugs and Love Ronni and don't ever feel afraid to complain you are what we call HUMAN.. Love you...
348243 tn?1213139885
Dear Chris, Im sorry you are feeling so low. Not sure if it helps but when my mum lost her hair, to me she still looked as beautiful-Im sure your family and friends feel the same way about you. Much love to you Chris, and don't feel bad for being upset, you are always a tower of strength to us on this site and others-we are here for you too. Take care, Sam x
Avatar universal
I wish I had words to make it easier...I don't ...I know that nothing makes this easier. What I hope for instead is that this hair loss represents ridding your body of this awful cancer and that you never have to deal with it again. Know that there are people behind you.
Avatar universal
Oh Chris, I know that this was huge issue for you and I'm sorry it is happening again.  Please, don't feel like you're complaining about something insignificant!  It IS to you.  I can say it is to all women.  I thank God that you have a place to come to cry and know that there will be tons of support and well-wishes and understanding.  

((HUGS))
Lori
408448 tn?1286883821
One time when my head was at it's shiny baldest I took my teenage daughter to her doc appointment. I had a scarf on. A huge hot flash hit and I ripped off the scarf. I didn't care who saw, I just wanted some air. I didn't know anyone had been watching me. At the checkout desk, a man about 6'5" or more came running up to me. He was smiling ear to ear. He hugged me and kissed the very top of my hairless head. He said," You can do this." He was a total stranger but he filled me with such a feeling of strength and hope. His random act helped me more than all of the encouragement of family & friends.  I wish for you that same feeling that man gave me. Marie
272338 tn?1252280404
  I do not know what I would do without you all. To say thank you does not even begin to express what I feel.
  The first time that I lost my hair was just a traumatic. I feel for those of you who are also going through this. We hear, "It will grow back, it is only hair" and I am guilty of saying it myself, but that does not make it any easier. Women are just not supposed to be bald!!! And when you see a woman that is bald, it is like she has a sign on her back that says, "cancer" For me even as time went by and I started to adjust to it, I still felt...
I don't know exactly what I felt but it was like everywhere I went you could feel the looks. I so envy those of you who are comfortable enough with it that you can go out with no hat or wig. I could just never bring myself to do that. I did not want anybody to see me like that, even my family!
  In the back of my mind I have always known that this was bound to happen again. Especialy since I will always be on chemo. But believe me it is not any easier than it was the first time.
  I am doing much better today. It is that initial shock when it first starts that is so hard.
I have decided to see if I can hang on to it for a few more days, but I just do not know. This evening it is begining to get a little worse. It is starting to look like a big dog is shedding all over me! If I can hold out until about Wed I will. Just want to enjoy it a little longer. Plus we are supposed to get about 5 inches of snow this evening and it is cold as heck out side. I figured I would keep my poor head warm for a few more days.
  As I said earlier, the words, thank you almost seem inadaquate. I don't even know how to descibe just how much your care and support has meant to me.
I am sending each and every one of you a great big hug. I love you all, my forever friends!!                                            Love Chris
106886 tn?1281291572
I have been thinking of you all day. What a beautiful post you just wrote.

Last night Jed's Mom (age 90) was here for dinner. She is in Assisted living now and does not have all of the mental capabilities she used to have. A very smart, elegant woman. My husband was here, of course, and our 22 year old daughter was here for dinner, too. I don't usually go running off to the computer when she is over for dinner, but in the past when I have done this I  hear about it, if you know what I mean..."MOM!!! GET OFF THE COMPUTER AND GET OUT HERE"! So, last night, it was just before dinner, but shortly after I saw your first post. I excused myself and said I had to go to the computer....which was meant with an inquisitive look. I found myself saying, "a good friend of mine is having a tough day. She is losing her hair today." The response was interesting and heart warming...they all said, "Oh, sure...go...do what you need to do. I am so sorry to hear that."

Why am I telling you all this? I am not sure except to say that I guess my family has come to understand what this site means to me...and, what all of you mean to me...and, that maybe I could offer some kind of comfort, and that I had their support.

So...from my family to you...sending a hug and positive thoughts. Things will get better. I just know it.

Love, Mary
295767 tn?1240188314
Chris - I love you honey, I think your rage is absolutely appropriate and needed. I have been feeling so sick today, my incisions are killing me, but I wanted to respond to a few posts I felt needed support. I'm not going to say 'you can do this' or 'keep your head up' because I know exactly how you are feeling. Sometimes you just need to vent those feelings and knowing other women are feeling the same emotions helps to pull you through. I am one of those women who don't wear a scarf, hat, or wig. I go hair-less and bald everywhere including work. I guess to me I didn't care as much as I hated being so hot! But, now that I have to continue chemo after my hair has been growing back rapidly, I am SO UPSET by it this time. I just want to cry my eyes out this time, scream, throw punches in the air and ask WHY ME?!?! I guess it's the 2nd time around... I'm sorry Chris, I truly am. Please know I am feeling your emotions and understand everything you are going through. I love you, and pray for you - Deandra
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