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282804 tn?1236837191

Joke of the Day Thread

Heading out to chemo soon so starting off this day with some humor.  Here are 3 that I hope you enjoy and feel free to post your own also. If you don't know any there are tons on the net.  Have a lovely day ladies and in spite of what our days will be let's all find something to smile about.

A man comes home and his wife is waiting in the living room with her suitcases packed.  He asks where  she is going.  She haughtily replies, "I just found out I can get $400.00 in Vegas for what I do for you for free".  The man rushes upstairs packs a bag and comes back to the living room.  The wife says, "and where do you think you're going"?   He looks at her and says, "I am going with you, I want to see you live on $800.00 a year"!!



A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on
the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a

He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did
all of it through the muffler."


Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
72 Responses
Avatar universal
LOVE them!
272338 tn?1252284004
I hope that chemo goes well for you, and that you had that good long talk with your Dr. Let me know what you find out.
Thanks for the jokes. I just woke up so they were the perfect start of my day.
178783 tn?1197303699
Hi All,
Here's something fun, try not to look at the answers before answering the questions.  ENJOY!!

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.   As we grow older, it is important that we keep mentally alert the saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so...  Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

  So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."  The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.

  OK, relax, clear your mind and... Begin.

   1. What do you put in a toaster?

   Answer: "bread."  If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else.   Try not to hurt yourself.   If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

  2. Say "silk" five times.   Now spell "silk."  What do cows drink?

  Answer: Cows drink water.   If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question.   Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat.   It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World.   If you said "water" then proceeds to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

   Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.   If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?????
If you said "glass," then! Go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany   (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.)  Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail.   The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decid es on a crash landing procedure.   Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.   Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.  

If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.   Your efforts would not be appreciated.    If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question.

   5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.   In London, 17 people get on the bus.  In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.  In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!  

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Take Care and God Bless,
167426 tn?1254089835
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken's buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!"

282804 tn?1236837191
Thank you all so much for contributing.   Bob those are so great!  I have a list of questions like those.  I'll dig it up.  Marty, that is just too funny.  I have a Viagra ad I would love to send you.  
Chris, I did have a good long talk with the onc and he put me on fentanyl patches.  Don't know anything about them, but I am fixing to look it up.  He is going to skip the neulasta next time and see if that helps.  We'll see.  Thanks again
Avatar universal
OK, I've got one.  It's the only joke out of 2 that I can ever remember.

What do you call an anorexic blonde with a yeast infection?

A Quarter Pounder With Cheese.  

SSSOOOORRRRYYYY!  ; )  McDonalds will never be the same.
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