Mental/Emotional Side Effects

[Jan214]

I was wondering if any of you would care to share your thoughts on this subject as I am going through a very hard time right now and it would be nice to know that I am not alone in this.  You all seem so brave and strong all the time but I don't. People tell me what an inspiration I am (because I haven't died?) and my Dr is always telling me that it is the tough and funny ones like me that have the best chance (so much for attitude studies)  and I feel like such a fricking phony.  I did just fine the first year and going through the carbo/taxol but this Gemzar seems to be kicking my emotional butt.  If I had not seen some of the same symptoms in my FIL who is on Gemzar for pancreatic cancer I would be really concerned but as it is I only feel like jumping out of my skin and punching somebody's lights out all at the same time.  I am a pretty decent christian woman and I don't think like that but lately everything has me alternating between tears and anger.  I am so tired of trying to be cheerful and nice.  Sometimes I would just love to tell people how I really feel but you can't do that.  They want to hear that you are doing just great.  I have cancer, what the hell do they think I feel like. I don't know if it is the Gemzar alone or an accumulation of this last year and 1/2 but whatever it is I feel awful in my head.  Nothing feels right, and my whole world just seems out of sync.  HELP
Thanks
Jan  

[hopeshell]

I just want you to know you are not alone in your feelings.  I could have written your post even though I am stage 1.  I appreciate you so much because you once wrote to me that you understood that I was going through all the emotions even though I was only staged 1...you said I probably felt guilty because people tell me I'm lucky and I don't feel so lucky.  You were right on and as I have read your posts over the past months I have found you to be a woman filled with love, caring and discernment.  You have encouraged me so much in past posts because I knew you understood.   The holidays are especially tough and when you don't feel very good physically it always affect mood.  I am also a Christian and have struggled so much with feeling like why did God allow this in my life.  I feel myself in a spritual battle because I am filled with sadness, anger, fear, etc. It is hard to think of our mortality and OVCA puts it right up in the forefront of our minds.   It is very hard to understand things like cancer and suffering.  I will be praying for you and praying God will give you peace.  I have been reading a book called Heaven by Randy Alcorn and have been really enjoying it.  It is available on audiobook too if you don't feel like reading.   I also am on paxil but that just took the edge off the crying. I believe our mood is so tied to our physical state.  Unfortunately, having cancer doesn't mean we aren't also experiencing other problems like financial...relational, etc.  Having cancer just makes our cups already so full that anything else seems too hard to handle.   I just wanted to let you know I will be praying for you and let you know that I really appreciate you.  Have a good day!  Love, Shelly    

[crecco]

Although we all have different stories, when it comes down to it, we are all the same. Whether we feel like we are weak or strong, we are all still here, so in our own way , realize it or not, we are all fighting this battle. I was told a long time ago to take things one day at a time and I found that to be very good advice. Live today, don't worry about what tomorrow will bring. The more we worry about tomorrow, the worse it makes today. I have found that now I appreciate smaller things that before I had taken for granted. But at times I find that some little things bother me more than they used to also. I was rather lucky (if you want to call it that) that my hair came back the same as it was, brown and straight. I always hated it and kept it permed and frosted. Now I am told not to use any chemicals on it so I am learing to be glad that I at least have hair again, but for how long, I never know. When it first started coming back in, it was as soft black fuzz. My youngest granddaughter used to rub my head and all it my "baby hair" because it was so soft. I have to agree with every other post I have read here. It seems as though if you just substitute the names they all could have been written by just about any one of us. Jan, Cory you both are so very lucky to have one another. I have always said that no matter how much I hate this disease, I hate what it has done to my family even more. I just cannot stand seeing what it has put them through. I have been told many times that I was a stong person, but you know, sometimes I don't feel that way at all. But like so many of you, I don't like to let the people that care about me see me break down. Places like this are my refuge. I can read your posts, know what you are going through and cry right along with you. And I have done so many times. We have all found one another and there is a reason for that. I feel as though I have a whole new set of family and friends. I feel your joys, your pains, your losses, and your thankfulness right along with you. It has been 2 years now for me and so far things look pretty good but my biggest regret is that I never found the love and support from people like you long before I did. I know that for a long time I was down and depressed because of all the stats and info I had read on ovca. But once I started reading your stories of success and stength, I developed a whole new outlook on life. Yes the stress and fear is always there, how could it not be , but I have learned to push it away, and not let it take me over. I don't mean to ramble on but there are times when I just need to get my feelings off of my chest. And what better place to do that, with others who know what it feels like. Jan (and you can send me a cyber slap here if you want) you do sound like a stong woman. And I believe in you , just as I believe in all of you here. We can do it, though at times it doen't feel that way. I would give anything to not have to be dealing with something like this, but I guess that is not our choice. But if i wasn't dealing with it, I would never have met all of you beautiful women out there and for that I am so greatful. We can get through this because we have each other. Sorry I don't mean to sound so mushy, but that is just the mood I am in today, I woke up that way. I wish all of you a beautiful painfree day. LOL Chris

[Helmar]

I guess the bottom line is, we are all still here battling each day, and hopefully enjoying most of  what each of those days brings us. Personally I'm very thankful to wake each morning...see the sun (it's Summer here beginning this weekend) and know that I will have some experience on the day, even if it's just shopping for food at the market. Whatever my day brings, I'm just thankful to be alive, so the cancer plays second fiddle. Wishing everyone a good day...hugs...Helen...

[etaxitpo]

Janalene-

Just wanted to let you know that you are such a beautiful person and if you are allowed to feel however it is you feel.  I see it daily with my mom.  I know she puts on a brave face so that I will not worry.  I allow her to feel whatever it is she is feeling at the time.  I just deal with it (it is the least I can do compared to what she is going through).  

You helped me through a very difficult point in all of this and I want to return the favor.  I know you are strong but when you are having a bad day, I would like be a part of your support group to lift you up.

Take care,
I will check on you soon

[Angie_Lou]

I feel like the new kid on the block because I've only started my life with OVCA (since April.)  You all have given me inspiration and I've been on some of your profiles.  The one that hit me the most was yours, Jan, as you are the only one that posted a real mood.  I don't know if it was you or Cory, but yesterday your mood was "Jan's not doing so good."  I see that it's changed and I hope for the better.  I know from today's post, you still aren't feeling so good.  I pray for all of you because you all have given so much of yourselves.  I can only hope I can give some of myself back to you, too.  I haven't started it yet, but plan on writing in a journal and posting it.  I just haven't figured this site out completely.

Please stay strong in mind and soul, if not the body.  My best, Angie

[rmarie]

I just asked my husband how he feels about me with OVCA, he says it is helplessness.  There is no way the men in our lives are worthless, as Jan has related about you.  We need are partners every step of the way, and we know that you would go through it for us.  So never worthless only helpless as anyone who watches us go through the effects of chemo feels.