Aa
New Joke of the Day Thread
Husband in Wal-Mart
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least,
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,"Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Wal-Mart
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least,
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,"Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Wal-Mart
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother..."Don't eat it, it's an a**hole"
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother..."Don't eat it, it's an a**hole"
DEFINITION OF A "TRUE FRIEND"
1 . When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ******* who made you that way.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.
4. When you are scared - I will tease the **** out of you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.
6 . When you are confused - I will use little words for your dumb ***.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ***
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.
Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
1 . When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry ******* who made you that way.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.
4. When you are scared - I will tease the **** out of you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to stop your bloody whining.
6 . When you are confused - I will use little words for your dumb ***.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ***
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.
Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed........
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.."
it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed........
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.."
Hey Lori -- I love the jokes too!!! :)
Here's one --
Prince Charming:
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess,
"I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince
and then we can marry,
move into the castle with my mom,
and you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes,
bear my children
and be forever happy doing so."
That night,
while the princess dined on frogs legs,
she laughed to herself and thought
"I don't f**ing think so."
Here's one --
Prince Charming:
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess,
"I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince
and then we can marry,
move into the castle with my mom,
and you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes,
bear my children
and be forever happy doing so."
That night,
while the princess dined on frogs legs,
she laughed to herself and thought
"I don't f**ing think so."
Hey Chris! Thanks for telling me the jokes are OK. I was starting to think people had been offended.
Here's another:
A Pie in the Oven
A woman was getting a homemade cherry pie ready to put into
the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her
son had come down with a high fever, and would she come and
take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take
to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should
bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie
in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her
son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to
the doctor.
She drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed
a bit more as the doctor emerged from the examining room and
handed her a slip of paper. "Get him to bed," he told her,
handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right
away."
By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out
again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but
frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about
the pie in the oven.
At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription
filled, and rushed back to the car, which was locked. There
were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside
the car.
She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger -- which
turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic
hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire
hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she
finally found a wire hanger. Hurrying out of the mall, she
halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know
what to do with this!"
Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the
frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began
crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he
needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys
are locked in the car. Lord, I don't know what to do with
this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know
what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord.
Amen." She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car
pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her.
A young man, twentyish-looking, in a stained T-shirt and
ragged jeans, got out. He was coming her way. When he drew
near, she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat
hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into
a locked car with one of these?"
He gaped at her for a moment and then plucked the hanger
from her hand. "Where's the car?"
She had never seen anything like it -- it was simply amazing
how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and
window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger, and the door
was open. When she saw that, she threw her arms around him.
"Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy."
He stepped back and said, "No, ma'am, I'm not a good boy. I
just got out of prison yesterday."
She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless
the Lord!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"
Here's another:
A Pie in the Oven
A woman was getting a homemade cherry pie ready to put into
the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her
son had come down with a high fever, and would she come and
take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take
to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should
bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie
in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her
son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to
the doctor.
She drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed
a bit more as the doctor emerged from the examining room and
handed her a slip of paper. "Get him to bed," he told her,
handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right
away."
By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out
again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but
frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about
the pie in the oven.
At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription
filled, and rushed back to the car, which was locked. There
were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside
the car.
She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger -- which
turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic
hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire
hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she
finally found a wire hanger. Hurrying out of the mall, she
halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know
what to do with this!"
Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the
frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began
crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he
needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys
are locked in the car. Lord, I don't know what to do with
this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know
what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord.
Amen." She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car
pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her.
A young man, twentyish-looking, in a stained T-shirt and
ragged jeans, got out. He was coming her way. When he drew
near, she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat
hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into
a locked car with one of these?"
He gaped at her for a moment and then plucked the hanger
from her hand. "Where's the car?"
She had never seen anything like it -- it was simply amazing
how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and
window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger, and the door
was open. When she saw that, she threw her arms around him.
"Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy."
He stepped back and said, "No, ma'am, I'm not a good boy. I
just got out of prison yesterday."
She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless
the Lord!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Ovarian Cancer Community
Learn how to spot the warning signs of this “silent killer.”
Diet and digestion have more to do with cancer prevention than you may realize
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
