Update? Babbling?

[Jan214]

I haven't done an update for a long time because I just don't know what to say.  I have been super depressed, but I guess when you are told you are going to die that is a normal reaction.  Plus I just feel sick ALL of the time. I haven't been able to pull my head out of my @ss and I know I am bumming myself out and losing what good days I may have left, but I just can't seem to shake this gloom and doom.  It is easy enough to see now why people are so ready to go when it is their time.  You get so worn down from being tired and feeling sick that you just want it to be over.  Today is the first day I have gotten up and felt good for a couple of months.  I don't feel nauseous, I am not in pain and I am eating real food because I am hungry and not just because I know I have to. I don't feel like it is just another day in the countdown until I die.

We went shopping the other day and normally I LOVE after Christmas sales, but I only bought some gold earrings because I will use them now.  Last January I went to Pier One and spent $14.92 @ a 90% off sale and I was able to make some beautiful gift baskets this year for my friends.  When Cory was looking at wrapping paper on sale the other day I just burst into tears because I can't plan that far ahead anymore.  

See, I don't know what to say so I just babble.  I have chemo again on Tuesday and I haven't really had a chance to feel better this time.  I can feel my liver where the tumors are and it is very tender.  I can't tell if they have gotten bigger or if this awful chemo is working and it is just my imagination.

Everyone has said that they don't want to intrude or bother me, but honestly I miss you all so very much and since so many of you have asked what I need, here it is.... write to me, call me, draw me out of myself.  Don't leave me sitting here stewing in my own misery and depression. It is really hard to engage in the world when you know you are facing death and being alone with all of those thoughts is the worst thing I could do, but it is what I am doing.

My onc has said that this chemo takes about 4 treatments before we will know anything and Tuesday will be my 4th.  My numbers have risen with each chemo, but on this last one it was at least not an increase by 100 or more, it was only about 60 or so. I don't remember.   I will have another CT at the end of January to see where we are.  If it is working I will stay on it, if not he has a whole list of stuff to go through still.  I have to wonder though, what the point is.  My onc isn't the kind of Dr who would just tell me I have 6-18 mths left if he wasn't really sure so I am worried all of the time.  He doesn't know what this combo will do and he has stressed that repeatedly.  He gave me that time frame based on all the other chemos he has used with people in my situation, but he has never used this combo.  That should give me hope but it doesn't really.  I am afraid.  I don't want to die.  I have pulled away from all of my friends in RL and all of you, because part of my brain tells me that it will be easier for everyone if I just pull away now.  Maybe if you all get used to me not being around it will be easier for you when Cory has to come on here and write THAT post.  I have already written a final post and all Cory has to do is post it.  

I miss Donna.  I miss Camille.  I miss Helen.  I miss so many who are gone, but today I am going to live for them.  I am going to do some fun things and some constructive things.  I will not wallow in self pity today.  I will not squander a day where I feel healthy.  

Well, there it is. Not much new news I know, but I did want you all to know that I love you more than you could know and that I do miss all of my friends.  This forum has been an emotional lifesaver for me and although I thought I had been doing the right thing for all of you, (trying to let you forget me so it isn't so bad when I die) I am going to do the selfish thing and try to be on more.  

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and that this new year we will all have some peace, some joy and most especially, some fantastic new breatkthrough in ovca treatment that will save us all.

Much Love,
Jan
PS If you can, let's all say an extra prayer today for the spouses who are grieving through this holiday season and facing a new year without their loved one.  I know Johnny is having a lot of trouble adjusting to life without Donna and I imagine many others are as well.

[Beachwalker33]

Hi! Since we hit it off so well I thought you'd love to here from me.I was just wondering if you were being given Emend before chemo.My Mom was really sick first chemo,and I or her couldn't let that happen again the emend was a godsend.Your in my prayers and thoughts.My aunt had adrenal gland cancer it was everywhere,bones,blood,and lymph nodes.She was given 2 months to live,that was over 7 years ago.She's still around.Don't give up hope and channel that anger to beat this cancer.I understand your pain more then you know and am so sorry for upsetting you,I'm just stupid at times.But it really bothers me when someone is upset with me and will do anything to make it right.Hug and make up.If you knew me you would know I am a really caring person.Thanks for setting me straight on what LOL means,I hope I didn't offend to many other people with my computer ignorance.After reading a bit of your journal,I know your just angry and scared.My Mom was a lot like you,that must be part of the reason why I feel the need to fix this.I do care no matter what you said to me and don't take it personally.Even though I'm at the top of your **** list,cancer is probably at the top but I'm probably second,anyway your at the top of my prayer list.Take Care,Jen

[Jan214]

Dear All,

I know my Dr could be wrong but I would feel a lot better about that if I had an incompetent Dr that I don't trust. Unfortunately, I have a Dr who is on top of things and knows what he is doing.
I appreciate all of your support and will try to stay in touch better from now on.  I have chemo tomorrow and it just has the oddest side effects.  I completely withdraw from the world with this one even though I don't want to.  I will be back on when I can.
Love,
Jan

[kmccarthy]

Hi Jan,

It is so good to hear from you. You shouldn't be ashamed by anything you have written, for I think you said best what most of us feel at some point in this trial. I am sorry that I am just reading your post now, but I hope you are having a good day today too. My heart is with you.

Kelly

[lvfrogs]

Jan,
I am glad that you were having a good day. It is so understandable that you would get depressed.  I know your doctor gave you that time frame but he could be wrong. You are a strong, vital woman that has already proven to overcome in your life. We are all here for you whenever you need to talk, to vent, to scream and cry and most especially to laugh! I will continue to keep you in my prayers and will write you too! Love and hugs, Colleen

[fungirl1011]

Jan, I am so glad to see that you are back.  I have missed you alot.  Chris is right, the doctors can say 6-18 month, but keep in mind that only God knows when your time will be up.  You are such a good person and you have given so many of us encouragement. We need you on here.  I am so greatful that you are having a good day.  I will pray that you are blessed with many more of these kind of days.  Just know that you are loved on here.  Love you, Kasie

[Alisa42]

Oh Jan as I write to you my heart fills this post with love and compassion.  My Mom is stage 3, dx'd one year ago Feb. 08. I understand through her, the fears and saddness that fills your mind.  Just last week our church began a series called "One Month to live".  Mom decided to walk through this book with me.  Today was day one and it was powerful.  While I don't live with the cancer in my body I breath it within my soul through my sweet Mother.  This book seems to be awakening my Mom from her slumber, her eyes were brighter, her heart seemed lighter and her smile of joy jolted me from the inside out. Jan this very moment, a loving daughter from California is praying for you...and will continue.

In His Grip,

Alisa

[crecco]

Hon, you know that I have not been on much lately either. In looking back I think that a lot of it is fear. Fear for myself and for what you and so many others are going through. Jan, you are a very strong willed person and you above all should know that just because your Dr says that, does not always mean it to be true. A lot of it will depend on your own inner strength and your will to survive, both of which you are full of.
  You were one of the first here to befriend me. So I refuse to think that I could lose you so soon.  You know that you are always in my heart and prayers. I think of you and Cory daily. I would call more often than I do but i know that you haven't been feeling well so I don't want to bother you. Please know that I am always here and you can call me any time day or night if you need anything. Even just to talk.
  I am getting ready to try and do an update of my own. And hoping that I can explain what I have been going through.
  Hon we are all in this together. And we are all here for one another. So don't forget that you can also call any of us.
  You are my forever friend,
   Love Chris

[SimplyStar]

Hey there kiddo, guess I am going to make my next trip to Tenn to buck you up a little, I go home from AZ tomorrow and will be kinda glad to get back to good old Iowa, snow  and ice and all.  It has been a fun time here but "old gramma" is getting worn out from these 5 girls, will have a grand bunch of new pics to post soon.  Yes the holiday day season is rough, too many good memories and  those that are gone we miss them so much. Love you all, Marty

[msnelson2006]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I cant imagine someone telling me I was dying. I would probably be depressed too. It's a very normal reaction. The best thing is probably to make peace with it. Don't be scared, God is taking you under his wing. You will not have anymore pain and will no longer suffer. Now is the time to make peace with anyone in your life that you need to so that you can rest peacefully. I hope you don't think I am being harsh because I am not. I have several close family members with God and they are no longer suffering from cancer, heart problems, etc. They were very ill and now there pain is gone and they are watching over me. I believe that them watching over me has gotten me as far as I have in my life. I have been in life and death situations several times and have had four major surgeries. It's comforting to know they are up there looking out for me.
I will pray for you and hope it doesnt get any harder for you. Stay strong you have God on your side. Bless you.

[gma718]

Haven't been on much lately...feel so helpless to all of you...you are in my thoughts and definitely in my prayers....if u need me I am here...........Love, Gia

[Teresa222]

You and Cory are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I think about you so often and wonder what you are doing right that minute.  I want to envision you strong and happy Jan. When you feel like it, please call me and let's catch up.  Monday's and sometimes Tuesdays are my Vanderbilt days.  It's always nice to come home on Mondays after spending a long time with doctors and nurses to find a clean house.  That's the day that Roberta comes to help me.  Thank you again Jan for Roberta. I truly love that gal.
Teresa

[dawnlyn]

My heart goes out to you....I am glad you are getting up and feeling better..  I was gone for a few days, small surgery....seems quite trivial in the over all picture.  

I wanted you to know you are always in my thoughts and prayers....I am hoping and praying that 2009 will be a better year for everyone and ovca is cured.  I wish you and everyone, peace, love, health and happiness in this new year.

Love,
Dawnlyn

[dian07]

Hey there, kid.  I missed you and am both glad and relieved to hear your voice again.  You know, the Holidays are tough enough even without having to deal with one's own mortality.....we seem to mourn the losses of years passed at this time of year.  I know I can be really up beat and having great fun when all of a sudden I hear a Christmas carol playing over the loud speaker and I find myself  in a panic trying  to find my sunglasses so I can hide the tears in my eyes......I miss so many people.  
Thank you for posting so I no longer need to feel sad for missing you!
May you have a healthy and hopeful and happy New Year.
Peace.
dian

[bohan54]

I'm a few paces behind you on this ugly road, trying to find a smooth patch here and there.   Been eating like a pig the last few days cuz I can!

This is the only place I know to come when the fear of the future with this beast becomes overwhelming.  I'm glad to see you've returned to share your insights,

Here's hoping tomorrow finds you feeling even better than today,

Sharon

[yrrek]

You are a brave,courageous and amazing.  I am very honored to have read your post today. Know that you have a solid chunk of my heart.  I am glad that you are feeling like getting out and enjoying your day.  I will continue to pray for healing and for more days like today.  Thank you for sharing and helping all of us with your post today to know what to do for you and each other.  Love, Kerry

[TrudieC]

Jan, it is so good to see you posting and feeling good today.  My dear, you will get what you asked.  I think with the holidays and everything else we tend to get lost in our own lives but with the new year renewal it feels so good to connect with our dear friends.  Even with you not here you were still in our hearts and minds and will always be - no way around that.  My thoughts and prayers are with you that your scan will reveal some good news and I hope that your future treatments don't leave you feeling so ill.  There is still reason to hope and as an eternal optimist I will continue to think that way.

I miss you and love you so much.  Have fun today.

Love, Trudie