last days

[chandon]

My Mom is in her final weeks of end stage Ovarian cancer.  She was in the hospital last week for 5 days to try to control her pain.  She has tumors in her lungs and a very large tumor on her left hip that is causing most her pain.  They now have her on Methadone and morphine (as needed).  She's been on morphine for some time.  She was going through another round of chemo for the lung tumors when she took ill.  Isn't eating and sleeps almost all the time.  She is now under Hospice care and at home where she wants to be at this time.  
My question is what are we to expect at the end.  My father is 81 and her primary caregiver.  He is in very good health and mentally sound, but overwhelmed by losing his wife of 56 years.  He has hospice help and the family is helping as much as possible.  I am worried that he will panic when the time comes and not know what to do.  
Just alittle info about this stage would be helpful.  Old school parents who have left us out of the loop alot not to worry us.  My Dad is sharing now, but we still feel lost.
Thanks

[Shari4444]

Hello, honey,
    My best-friend is a hospice worker. Something that alot of people don't realize is that they are there to help the family of the dying person also. It can be anything from therapy or just answering questions such as."can you let me know when you think my mom only has one day left?" They are surprisingly accurate and can even tell you what to look for. This could also help your dad. He's really not going to have to do anything at the end...it sounds as if Hospice is controlling her pain and they will be there when the end comes because you are all going to know when. Basically,honey, just ask all those Hospice workers ANY question you have, even if you think it sounds morbid. They've heard it all before. Your mom would want your mind and heart at ease.
    Hoping for peace for you and your family. I will pray for you.
                                       Hugs,
                                           Shari

[Jan214]

I am sorry your family has to go through this.  My mom passed away from OVCA when I was 7 and my 2nd mom died from cancer in 1993 so I understand what it is like to lose a parent to this awful disease.  Just be there as much as you can and tell her how much she has meant to you, the personality traits you inherited from her that have benefited you, how you look like her and traits from her you hope your children will inherit.  I have a little bump on the underside of one nostril and I always hated it, but I looked at a picture of  my mom years ago and realized she had the same thing.  My oldest daughter inherited it and she hated it until I showed her that Grandmom had it and she thinks it is cool that genetics could immulate something like that.  Also this is a good place to come share your thoughts and concerns when it all gets to be to much.
Good luck to you and your family.  You will be in my prayers during this trying time.
Kindest Regards,
Jan

[lady452008]

Everyone here is being a great support.  I lost my Mom to Cancer July 4 2005.  It was one of the toughest things to go through in my life and I've had a lot of losses.  Being surrounded by the ones you love and to see and hear laughter is SO IMPORTANT.  Sharing all kinds of fun and crazy memories and like one wrote even if you think she's sleeping and can't hear you keep it up beat.  Her favorite music playin softly in the room is a great thing or having her favorite shows on TV.  Something as simply as aroma's make me happy I have a favorite air freshener that lifts my spirits and calms my nerves.  If there's an immediate family member that can't be there at the very end just having them on the phone to be there with you all during that time is something else that can be done.  My Mom was just told over, and over, and over again how much she was LOVED and APPRECIATED for the GREAT MOM she was to us all.  There were pictures of family and friends all around the room for her to see as well.  

Our hearts go out to you my friend.  Come here and vent all you want, because we ALL CARE.  

Blessings to you all.  

[PF_PVD]

I am so sorry this is happening to your mom and your family.  I got the impression you were interested in what actually happens so you could prepare yourself.  There is a wonderful document called, "The American College of Physicians Home Care Guide for Advanced Cancer."  You can download it here.  

http://www.acponline.org/patients_families/end_of_life_issues/cancer/

It's pretty much a manual on what to expect at the end of life and here is the Table of Contents:

Dying Person’s Guide to Dying Solving Problems Using This Guide
Caregiving
Cancer Pain
Shortness of Breath
Problems with Communication, Mental Confusion, and Seizures
Getting “Respite” Care or Extra Help at Home
How To Help During the Final Weeks of Life
What To Do Before and After the Moment of Death
Helping Younger People Cope with Death and Funerals
Grieving
Adapting chapters from the Home Care Guide for Cancer for use in Advanced Cancer

I hope you find this useful. Paula

[puppyluve]

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Patty

[SAm_in_the_UK]

I lost my mum to ovca 5 months ago. I never thought we would be able to live without my mum, but even though the pain I feel through missing her is vast, we have pulled together as a family and we are doing so well. I dont know how you do it-you just do. I was so worried how my dad would be but he is doing very well. Of course we have very bad days and every day is sad without my mum here, but we also have wonderful memories that no one can take away. Enjoy your mums last days with her as much as you can, sit hold her hand and talk when she wants to talk. Tell her you love her. Thats what I miss about not having my mum here. Much love and prayers to you. If you need to chat please just ask. Sam x

[justscore]

Your family is in my prayers.......
Sounds like your parents have a full and loving relationship, lots of wondeful memories.

[marie3B]

The ladies above said things well. I lost my mom to ovca, too. It was so hard on my dad. He was unable to make any of her medical decisions near the end. I am glad Hospice is there for you. They have social workers and clergy that will be able to help your dad. The end for my mother was peaceful. Her pain meds provided a palliative sedation. I feel for you and will keep your family in my prayers. Marie

[Bee07]

Be strong and as Marty said try to not to be tearful if you can and this will also help your father to keep strong. Please try also to speak to your father more and give him as much support as you can because he needs his whole family around him as much as your mother does.
Peace
Bee

[SimplyStar]

Let her last days be peaceful ones,  when  awake let her talk about memories, you are her children and a mother will always love her children to be near and share the time with her.  Your father needs the support also in storing up all the love they shared for all those years. Even when she appears to be sleeping, let the talk in the room be cheerful ,  if she likes music, bring it into the room for her. Ask if she would like to be read to from a favorite book,  if she has periods when she can look at photos, share those with her.  make her past come alive for her, show her she has made a big difference in your lives.  If she asks , find out her final wishes, some do and some don't want to do this,  make the visits from others a cheerful gathering, no tears and loud caring on around her.  Let her feel Love coming to her from everywhere. God Bless you dear, it is tough to lose a parent.  But I bet your Mother has been facing this for some time herself.  As we age , we know our time is short, and most of us prepare for it.  Keep your Father close and try to understand his hugh loss, give him your time and Love also, he will need it.   Marty