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1658130 tn?1302488346

COMPLEX PTSD????

I have been picked on and made fun of most of my life. Starting in middle school it really got bad. I got threatened and mentally and emotionally abused. I got depression and my looks showed for it. I wasn't the most attractive girl in the world.(it was bad..big frizzy hair, glasses, acne, crooked teeth.) I didn't have any friends and even throughout high school. When i was in 9th grade i had my first panic attack. Long story short i was told i had anxiety and depression and i was sent to a counselor.My grades had dropped alot when i'm usually an honoroll student. I've been off and on medicine like xanax and zoloft and lexapro. But nuthin helps the numbness i feel. Medicine usually makes u feel more numb which isn't what i want. I always have bad dreams and i have actually woke myself up because i wasn't breathing. I've had sleep tests done and i don't have sleep apnea. I'm currently seeing a social worker who has started me on EMDR treatment. I have never really had friends and if i did, they never stayed around. I don't try to make friends cuz i think they're just gonna leave. I keep to myself. I know i have bad anxiety and can't really sit in classrooms because of how traumatic school was for me. Being in college now i have no choice but to be in a classroom. I have my good and bad days. it has also affected me jaw. I have grinded my teeth so much my jaw has gone outta place on both sides and i have a torn ligament. i'm still tryin to fix it and hopefully they can fix it. i would like to yawn again. Does being mentally and emotionally abused cause complex PTSD? I feel like i'm different from everyone else. I don't look like i used to. Now i have my hair put up and makeup and had braces for 4 years so now i luv my teeth! instead of people pointing and laughing and thinkin i'm in the special ed class, i actually have gotten compliments..but....i still can't stop thinkin about all that has happened to me in the past. someone help!
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1658130 tn?1302488346
i will keep all that in mind..BABY STEPS!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Look, about the dude smoking weed.... you do NOT compromise your morals for anyone.  I'm proud of you for not doing that or giving in to him.  That is no way to rebuild self esteem or self worth, and by sticking to your guns, you should be proving to yourself that you are indeed like-able. (Unfortunately, you'll probably run into a couple of guys like that before you're through.)  If we can't like or respect ourselves, we cannot like or respect others.  If we don't find ourselves loveable, we cannot express love.  This comes in time.  Baby steps, right?

Besides the weed smoking and the sex wanting, the thing went ok I presume?  Take what you learned there and you can apply it elsewhere.

What you're looking for is the little victories.  Progress over perfection.... perfection doesn't exist on this plane of being.  I rally think you are on the right track.  Hold on to your morals, keep your head in the books (but with a little time to relax and enjoy new things) and pay attention to all things happening around you.  Know that "you" aren't the only thing happening, or that "you" aren't the only person that things happen too.  Being more conscious about all things will bring a bit more light on to the bigger picture.
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1658130 tn?1302488346
yes it all makes sense to me. the reason i didn't get close to people was because i knew they would probably end up leavin me like i was used to. i tried to talk to people back in middle and high school and because of how i looked...i mean it was kinda bad they thought i was in s special ed class..no offense to them. i had someone walk up to me and say.."Ew" and walk away. i have gone out with this guy recently which was a step outta my comfort one but he seemed liked a good guy and ended up smokin weed and only wantin one thing that he didn't get so he left. i try to talk to people and see what happens but no, i guess i don't trust myself to get new friends.
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Avatar universal
I'm glad there is no history of abuse in your household.  That takes a load off my mind.  Although that would totally explain some of what is happening, but the being picked on and humiliated will do more than enough damage as well.  And with you saying that "the damage has been done" might ring true, there is also a way out of this.  That pain will always be there, but imagine looking in the rear view mirror.... what you've left behind is getting smaller and smaller to a point where it is unrecognizable or other wise gone.

The things that happened already happened and we've got no control over the past.  We cannot change the past, but we can learn from those experiences.  Your ego will do everything to try to keep you clear of people.... because it is people that have done you harm in the past.  What you need to learn, and it will take time, is that not all people are out to harm you.

It is a work in progress and it will take time.  You will probably start to move a bit out of your comfort zone, experience new things and new people.  That is a good thing and a great place to start.  When you start to venture out of the comfort zone, you'll begin to become comfortable with the new boundaries in time.  This too will lead to new experiences.

I am no doctor mind you, and it is best to stick with what he/she says and your therapist says.  Not that I am trying to pry into your business, but you mentioned that "you never really had any friends."  Is that because of you not allowing yourself to get close to other people because of being picked on, perhaps?  It's a bit different, but for a long time I just had a core group of friends and didn't really care to associate with other people.  I worked on that theory until my early 20's and realized I was crippling myself socially.  I began to let my guard down and let new friends in.  It is rewarding, very rewarding.  It can also be upsetting.  For me, I had a couple of close friends that let me down, therefore I stuck with the ones I knew the best.  (With that being said, anyone of those people had the potential of letting me down, or me them.... but it didn't happen.  It is about trust.)  

Trust is something that has to be earned.  But you have to give a little to get a little.  Do you see what I mean?  If you never let anyone try to get close, nobody will.  It takes trust in order to do that.  But the deal is, find trust within yourself.  Trust that the people you are associating with, or trying to get to know better aren't all bad. (Some may be, but we don't know that yet.)  Again, this is about trusting your self.  Your ego is saying "don't, because you'll get hurt again" but another part of the brain is saying, "I'd really like to have some friends."

It takes a while.  Right now, I'd guess that you are hyper vigilant in regards to whom you'll speak to.  That guard will have to come down a little bit, because it is so big right now, not even the good ones can sneak over.  Does that make sense?
Helpful - 0
1658130 tn?1302488346
there is history of abuse in my family, but that was in my grandparents and great grandparents family..it's not abusive in my home now with my parents and 2 sisters. I've never really had friends and been picked on and rejected alot so i know it has affected my self esteem big time. I am alot better than a few years ago but i feel the damage has been done. i'm tryin to make friends in college and get out of my comfort zone but it's a workin progress.
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Avatar universal
I am not trying to lessen what's happened to you, but I want to lay out and observation I noticed with my own son, to see if there is any relation to what he went through and what you are going through.

My son always thought that people didn't like him.  He is a different duck, but a great kid.  The majority of his teachers like him, and the ones who don't have a high opinion of him I feel are intimidated by his brains.  (Our youngest has this affliction too)  In the mean time, after trying to help him find or gather some self esteem, numerous kids at anytime within our community would come up and approach him to say "hi" or whatever.  He assumed that it was fake or manufactured.  If anyone laughed any where near him, he thought is was them laughing at him.  That was just not the case.  It was his perception of things.  (We live in a small community, so its hard to hide or not be noticed.)  At it turned out, these kids were indeed genuine....  Our son gathered enough "balls" (excuse the expression) to enter a talent contest in the school and he blew the entire student body from all 3 schools out of the water!!!!  No kidding, standing ovation!  

From there his self worth began to grow.  I still feel as if he is struggling a little bit, but its not what it was.

I think for you, there are a lot of things you need to address.  The good news is, it is all doable!  Coming to a place like this takes a brave person, and anyone who decides to address their problems/issues are my hero's!  Not that I am trying to get into your business, but was there abuse in the home?  It sounds as if you took a big shot to your self esteem, and that's what happened to me.  It was psychological warfare, but it lasted a life time.... at least until recently.

Address your problems one at a time.  BE patient.  Listen to your therapist, and ask for homework.  Do you read?  If so, check out some Deepak Chopra.  His beliefs are based upon the buddhist religion, and they lie at the metaphysical level quite often, but he breaks things down so folks like you and I can understand them.  He has literally 50 books published, so find a small one, read it, digest it, then go to a larger one.  I think this might help.

Good luck
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1658130 tn?1302488346
i have nightmares all the time. flashbacks...umm the only time i really did was back in october and i was at work and a couple guys walked passed me and startin makin fun of me and everything just hit. i felt like i was back in middle school. i immediately started to not feel good and wanted to cry. i actually was goin to ask to go home but didn't. anytime i feel people r ganging up on me and laughin it all starts over.
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675718 tn?1530033033
i say yes it can do you have flashbacks and nightmares? i do :)
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Avatar universal
I feel for you and the situation you are in.  I'm not a doctor, but I would think that emotional/mental abuse could certainly cause PTSD.

There is help and speaking with you therapist will get you through.

Good luck
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