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Avatar universal

Can I find the person I once was?

Hi everybody.

I really don't know where to start. I am a 25 year old in the military, been in it for seven years now. I have been to Iraq in back with the most recent being 2004-2006. When I came back I was diagnoised with being emotionally detatched and having very little emapathy for those around me. I met my ex husband before my deployment and we married when we returned home in 2006, that marriage lasted an entire nine months. We were both deployed and were changed with our time over there, we were at different locations saw each other a total of seven times in those 18 months. At first I blamed him for the destruction of our marriage, due to him not being ambitious enough and lacking the compassion that I needed along with his drinking problem. I felt I had lost a part of my humanity over there and wanted so desperatly to have it back, I have failed miserably. I later realized it had a great deal to do with me also, my loss of emotional feeling toward him and the anger that I felt inside.

I blame both of us now, for jumping right into marriage after being seperated for so long, we had changed, we were not the same people that fell in love all those years ago. It took me a long time to accept that neither one of us was good for each other that we were leading each other down a dangerous path that wasn't helathy for either of us. The divorce was rough I think mainly on his part, because by that point and time I had lost all emotional feelings and empathy for him, I decided that I didn't love him any more and my resentment towards him only fueled the fire. Almost three years later we have both talked and saw where we had drastcially messed up, he has moved on and so have I.

Two years ago I met the man that I am with now, he is a good guy and I love him, he is the father of my daughter, which is the best thing that has happened to me, ever. He is a civilian and we had some bumpy spots the first year due to his lack of knowledge of the military. Mainly that there are so many males and of course all the crazy stories that go around. I love him, but sometimes I feel I am right back where I struggled so hard to come from. He has told me on some occassions that I am cold as ice and that I lack the emotions of being able to empathize with him, I don't disagree. I really try to undersand where he is coming from, he has never really been the type to just listen without bringing up some story of his, I understand he is trying to relate, but it just doen't do it for me... I tried to open up to him once before about what types of things go through my mind, some of the things I experienced over there, and my outlook on things and why I am the am I am needles to say it turned out being about him and his experience. I really just want him to listen and maybe he could understand why I act the way I do sometimes. I can go from being happy to just completley pissed off and really no good reason.

When times are great they are great.. Sometimes though I dwelve in the past and the experiences that I had over there and it takes me to a dark place and at that point I want no contact with anybody, the only one that can bring me back to the light is my daughter. I sometimes wonder if my past will come back seeking vengeance and take it out on her, yes I know that sounds very negative but I don't do good in situations when I am not in control, I am a loose cannon ecspecially when it comes to my family being hurt or damaged. I mean what do you call someone who ponders on the of what if's and the reaction that I portray in my mind and what I would do in that situation.

I don't really have anyone to talk to, I just want somebody to realize that I am not the hardass that I act like, I am tired of always having to be the strong one and telling everybody else everything is going to be okay, when for once I want somebody to tell me that everything is going to be alright. I just want my SO to hold me and show me the compassion that I so desire, instead of him not giving the effort to try and figure out the person that I really am, the one that was here before the war, I want to be her but I know that if things keep going on the way they are she gets farther and farther away. I don't want my daughter to grow up knowing that she is the only stability in my life, that is not her burden to bare.


I guess what my question is did I really get over the emotional detatachment or was it just masked because I had a new relationship or am I just not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with the man I love? How does one overcome this?


Note*
I don't know if any of this will make sense to the readers, but I do feel as though there has to somebody out there who is going through the same thing as I am and they can relate.
3 Responses
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529900 tn?1249967464
i am so glad that you have a friend that you can talk with about things. I have a much older guy friend also, and he has been a lifesaver. I am glad God puts people in our lives that can help to carry the load. I am sorry to hear about your friends. I pray for our military constantly. So many young people losing their lives, but i am thankful for their service. Without our service personnel, we could not enjoy the freedoms and would have to live in the constant fear like those in the countries we are fighting in.

Even though i do not have a child, i work with youth. Their smiles and hugs are what make my day (even the sopping wet hug i got today from a little one who jumped out of the pool to run and greet me); they are who I continue to fight for, so that i can be hear to protect them.

You can message me if you ever need to talk.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thank you for your kind words. Yea, the military has counselors but most of them think you are crazy, because they haven't been there or either you get lost in the system. I talk to God reguarly trying to mend the relationship that I had shyed away from in those dark days.. I don't have a pastor, haven't been to church since I got back and not many people know that, it's not that I don't believe, it just seems all they do is preach on the negative and I need positive.

I have a friend he is older, but a Nam vet so we have some in common, I wouldn't probably have this much sanity if it wasn't for him. When I am feeling like the mind has weighed to heavy, I think of my little girl. She renewed my passion for life when I first laid eyes on her, and it has helped alot. Some days I just want to be alone, and I find myself pondering on how some things could have changed if "what if" was thrown into it. I find myself gaining ground when something is there knocking me back down. LIke this past week, I lost two of my friends in Afghanastain, that is where some of them are now. Very honorable men and they were great soldiers. Beautiful families that have sadly left behind, now we must await for there final journey home and yet again mourn for my brothers in arms.

I do believe that we are doing the right thing, those people need to know freedom. I have seen the smiles that come from being able to vote and speak their mind, seeing little kids being able to play in the streets. I love the military but it is a love hate relationship, I love what it has give me, a career, a sense of pride, and honor.I hate that when I am confronted or feel threatened that my dark and angry side shows itself.

I have faith that things will get better and that only time will ease my mind and my soul.
Helpful - 0
529900 tn?1249967464
Hi deathkneeler,

I am so sorry for all you have seen and had to deal with. It is hard for our brains to deal with some of the autrocities. Talk. Write. Run. Anything to work out the pain. Will the military allow for counseling? If so, jump on it and dont be embarrased. The longer you hold stuff in, the harder and more devastating it will become, not just in relationships but also with your health. You dont have to be the strong one. Allow the tears to flow if you still can. Maybe part of your husband not just completely listening and trying to relate is his brain may not be able to handle what you are talking about.

Please seek help. Do you maybe have a pastor or chaplain you could talk with also? For me it helps knowing I can talk to God, even though I dont normally hear an answer, it just helps for me to communicate my thoughts and fears to him. There is also www.newhope.org where you can speak with a counselor if you feel you may be about to harm someone or something.

we will always bear the scars of life. Memories have a hard time with fading, especially the more traumatice they were to start with, but their impact can lessen. I fond strenuous exercise helps. Please seek help. Even though i have not been in war, i see what people in the US do to each other and have to see things not cool. I cant say life will be easy, but you can still look forward to things, take each day a step at a time. When the nightmares wont allow for sleep, walk, read or do something positive, but dont stress about the lack of sleep. I find listening to the ocean sounds (a cd) or listening to the Bible being read helps the sleep to not be so bad.

hope some of this helps.
Helpful - 0
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