Aa
Can't shake off my past.
I can't forget or forgive my parents for the abuse, the poverty, the coldness and the neglect that I suffered all through my childhood because of them. I hate them both so much and even though I've tried to put it behind me, I can't. I suffered then and suffer now because of what they did and they've got away with it all. They aren't suffering and that's not right. It's not fair. I want them to suffer and I want my pain to go. What do I do? How do I move on?
I'd like to thank you for the thank you, and offer you this. When I started my therapy (I'm male and the typical male stereo-type stepped in. I was too big and strong to really let anything that happened bother me.) I was reluctant to really cut loose with my feelings to my therapist. Not that it was going to make me cry or anything, but that I had help on to all of those feelings for so long, that I had adopted them as being me. I really didn't want to share that part of me.... it hurt, I thought I was going to be judged by what happened to me, and numerous other emotions that I cannot explain. These were feelings that I never even shared with my best friend, my wife!
After about 3 sessions, my therapist "cracked my nut" so to speak. When I started telling her about the abuse (I never saw it as abuse, but it certainly was a form of abuse. I still stand by my dad not knowing what he was doing.) I almost couldn't stop. That particular session lasted 2 hours, due to a cancellation that followed my appointment.
When I got done telling everything, I felt better knowing that I was not being judged. I felt better knowing that my therapist acknowledged my pain as real and valid.
At this time, she told me a bit about the road that we would be taking, in consideration to my therapy. Then she told me something that brought some relief that I thought would never be available after me telling everything. "This is the new you." My therapist told me that she would provide me the tools to be able to work through these issues, and that they would probably never go away. (Kind of what like Shawna76 said above, it was going to be able to slow the train down.)
I had never realized that what had happened to me was directly related to how I felt present day, and how I felt mentally. My self worth was shot, I had a very low opinion of myself, and for the life of me..... I'd pound those negative thoughts into my head so often. It would go on for days, even weeks some times and it was relentless. My wife and kids couldn't help.... part of my problem was waiting to get myself help. I was diagnosed with a disorder 14 years prior to getting help and the issues kept compounding and manifesting into other areas of my life.
But it was that 3rd session that changed me. That, and finally allowing myself to feel loved and appreciated by my wife and kids allowed me to show those things in return. This is still a work in progress, but the difference is night and day. What ended up making more sense to me regarding my diagnosis is, I needed to keep my problems seperated and I had to learn to deal with them seperately. I used to lump them all together, and one would drag me further under than the previous.... I'd dwell in the darkest regions of my mind and soul for like I mentioned...days and weeks. Then, like a switch, it would turn off and a more normal me would appear. (It dawned on me that "normal" is a relative term.) It could be days, weeks, or maybe a month of feeling ok about myself, and when I let my guard down, I'd be back at the bottom of existing.
It became obvious to me that life happens, and sometimes it isn't worth a damned.... but life goes on and how we deal with the tough times determines how the rest of it will go. I learned that I can take charge of most of what happens regarding my life, both good and maybe not-so-good.... but to learn from both experiences and grow towards the future.
There is a future out there for you. There is good help available, and it starts when you realize that you are not to blame. When someone from the outside acknowledges that, it does wonders. Unfortunately, there have been a lot of people with issues like mine/yours, and will be more behind us. What I try to do know is reinforce what I know within myself, and try to assist others, even if it is with simple words. (Sometimes words are all that is necessary.)
You've got nothing but time to reinvest in the new you. You will find in time that you are worth the investment, if you don't feel it already. (I get the opinion that you do. :) )You are worth this journey, and you will see a bit more sun shine in the times ahead.
Keep after it!!!
After about 3 sessions, my therapist "cracked my nut" so to speak. When I started telling her about the abuse (I never saw it as abuse, but it certainly was a form of abuse. I still stand by my dad not knowing what he was doing.) I almost couldn't stop. That particular session lasted 2 hours, due to a cancellation that followed my appointment.
When I got done telling everything, I felt better knowing that I was not being judged. I felt better knowing that my therapist acknowledged my pain as real and valid.
At this time, she told me a bit about the road that we would be taking, in consideration to my therapy. Then she told me something that brought some relief that I thought would never be available after me telling everything. "This is the new you." My therapist told me that she would provide me the tools to be able to work through these issues, and that they would probably never go away. (Kind of what like Shawna76 said above, it was going to be able to slow the train down.)
I had never realized that what had happened to me was directly related to how I felt present day, and how I felt mentally. My self worth was shot, I had a very low opinion of myself, and for the life of me..... I'd pound those negative thoughts into my head so often. It would go on for days, even weeks some times and it was relentless. My wife and kids couldn't help.... part of my problem was waiting to get myself help. I was diagnosed with a disorder 14 years prior to getting help and the issues kept compounding and manifesting into other areas of my life.
But it was that 3rd session that changed me. That, and finally allowing myself to feel loved and appreciated by my wife and kids allowed me to show those things in return. This is still a work in progress, but the difference is night and day. What ended up making more sense to me regarding my diagnosis is, I needed to keep my problems seperated and I had to learn to deal with them seperately. I used to lump them all together, and one would drag me further under than the previous.... I'd dwell in the darkest regions of my mind and soul for like I mentioned...days and weeks. Then, like a switch, it would turn off and a more normal me would appear. (It dawned on me that "normal" is a relative term.) It could be days, weeks, or maybe a month of feeling ok about myself, and when I let my guard down, I'd be back at the bottom of existing.
It became obvious to me that life happens, and sometimes it isn't worth a damned.... but life goes on and how we deal with the tough times determines how the rest of it will go. I learned that I can take charge of most of what happens regarding my life, both good and maybe not-so-good.... but to learn from both experiences and grow towards the future.
There is a future out there for you. There is good help available, and it starts when you realize that you are not to blame. When someone from the outside acknowledges that, it does wonders. Unfortunately, there have been a lot of people with issues like mine/yours, and will be more behind us. What I try to do know is reinforce what I know within myself, and try to assist others, even if it is with simple words. (Sometimes words are all that is necessary.)
You've got nothing but time to reinvest in the new you. You will find in time that you are worth the investment, if you don't feel it already. (I get the opinion that you do. :) )You are worth this journey, and you will see a bit more sun shine in the times ahead.
Keep after it!!!
Well thank you for the comments to all.. I think I might voice the same thought as others and that is that it is nice for someone to say a simple thank you.
A lot of people are held up for their actions and I speak from personal experience. Yes you did not make yourself a certain way and there are more than a few people who are in the same boat as you are, including me... Yes there are things about one or more disorders that throw normal out the window. I once told somone I was working with that normal is just a setting on a washing machine, and I have a sign on the wall that says "Normal People worry me". It is your job to overcome your own issues and to make meaningful strides to overcome those disorders for not only yourself, but those who care about you.
For me it would be so easy to just stop fighting, give up, and got the suicidal route to just end things once and for all. I have been there as the family glue until beyond when it was toxic to do so. I served my country in the Army until it was not beneficial for the military, I did my duty as a husband/father even though I was woman, and for all that for others, I think I deserve to be in peace for once in my life... But then I look at the other side of the scale, my son, my finacee, my family (family history of suicide on more than 1 account) , and all those that rely on my skill sets to continue to help people. All those people would be hurt and that is not something that I am going to let on my soul or spirit.
Bottom line, you have to get better for you which includes taking respsonsibility and control of your own actions. That can help those who care about you, and never give up the fight because a moment of weakness thinking about you can make a life changing difference for those who care about you...
A lot of people are held up for their actions and I speak from personal experience. Yes you did not make yourself a certain way and there are more than a few people who are in the same boat as you are, including me... Yes there are things about one or more disorders that throw normal out the window. I once told somone I was working with that normal is just a setting on a washing machine, and I have a sign on the wall that says "Normal People worry me". It is your job to overcome your own issues and to make meaningful strides to overcome those disorders for not only yourself, but those who care about you.
For me it would be so easy to just stop fighting, give up, and got the suicidal route to just end things once and for all. I have been there as the family glue until beyond when it was toxic to do so. I served my country in the Army until it was not beneficial for the military, I did my duty as a husband/father even though I was woman, and for all that for others, I think I deserve to be in peace for once in my life... But then I look at the other side of the scale, my son, my finacee, my family (family history of suicide on more than 1 account) , and all those that rely on my skill sets to continue to help people. All those people would be hurt and that is not something that I am going to let on my soul or spirit.
Bottom line, you have to get better for you which includes taking respsonsibility and control of your own actions. That can help those who care about you, and never give up the fight because a moment of weakness thinking about you can make a life changing difference for those who care about you...
All your kind words have really touched me. I've cried when reading what you have taken time out to write. I've never known such kindness from anyone before but the support offered here has shown me that genuinely nice people do exsist. Thankyou all so very much.
I've had problems dealing with people all my life which were put down to either "behavioural" or "mental health" issues. In the kids home they said it was my behaviour and in adult life it's been put down to mental health problems. I'm on anti-depressants and Carbamazepine which is a mood-stabliser commonly used for bi-polar. Until a week ago I had been on an anti-psychotic too. I've been taking these for over 16yrs except the Carbamazepine which I've only been on for about 7 months. Regardless of the "diagnosis" or "cause" of my problems, I'm always the one who is blamed. I'm the one at fault. This makes me so angry and upset. I didn't damage me. I didn't make me this way. But I'm always the one who is ultimately held to book. I'm the one who is judged. All I want is to be a regular person with a regular life. But after so much abuse over so many years I just felt like giving up....until now. You guys have shown me for the first time that there are good people out there who care for no other reason than they are good, caring people.
THANKYOU.
I've had problems dealing with people all my life which were put down to either "behavioural" or "mental health" issues. In the kids home they said it was my behaviour and in adult life it's been put down to mental health problems. I'm on anti-depressants and Carbamazepine which is a mood-stabliser commonly used for bi-polar. Until a week ago I had been on an anti-psychotic too. I've been taking these for over 16yrs except the Carbamazepine which I've only been on for about 7 months. Regardless of the "diagnosis" or "cause" of my problems, I'm always the one who is blamed. I'm the one at fault. This makes me so angry and upset. I didn't damage me. I didn't make me this way. But I'm always the one who is ultimately held to book. I'm the one who is judged. All I want is to be a regular person with a regular life. But after so much abuse over so many years I just felt like giving up....until now. You guys have shown me for the first time that there are good people out there who care for no other reason than they are good, caring people.
THANKYOU.
To all of the people who have shared part of themselves here, I share your pain as well as having my own experiences which last far beyond just the time the abuse happened. For me it amounts to over 26 years (starting at age 4) of sexual (rape and assualt), emotional, physical, and at times financial abuse to include some VERY interesting things in Iraq!
Yes therapy is a prime place to start work, but what might also work is anti-anxiety medication taken early on when you start when the flashbacks start to hit. However you need to talk to a P-Doc for the proper medication. Its not going to stop the flashbacks but it will give you a chance to stop the train before it gets too much speed.. Also look into EDMR because it has a decent chance of helping you get your life back.
You also need to be aware that in SOME cases there are other disorders that are associated with PTSD. PTSD does start due to one's experiences, but in some cases it is just the beginning to other disorders that are FAR worse...
Another thing that I want to stress is that a support network of people that you trust and that you won't hurt is a key thing to deal with PTSD. The actual PTSD may never 100% go away, but at least you can minimize it to near nothing. Remember that when you hurt it is HIGHLY possible for you to hurt those around you and that can drive them off, in effect to use a phrase "shooting yourself in the foot"....
Yes therapy is a prime place to start work, but what might also work is anti-anxiety medication taken early on when you start when the flashbacks start to hit. However you need to talk to a P-Doc for the proper medication. Its not going to stop the flashbacks but it will give you a chance to stop the train before it gets too much speed.. Also look into EDMR because it has a decent chance of helping you get your life back.
You also need to be aware that in SOME cases there are other disorders that are associated with PTSD. PTSD does start due to one's experiences, but in some cases it is just the beginning to other disorders that are FAR worse...
Another thing that I want to stress is that a support network of people that you trust and that you won't hurt is a key thing to deal with PTSD. The actual PTSD may never 100% go away, but at least you can minimize it to near nothing. Remember that when you hurt it is HIGHLY possible for you to hurt those around you and that can drive them off, in effect to use a phrase "shooting yourself in the foot"....
You my friend are in a difficult position. I want to offer you a bit of advice, and please do not take this wrong. In print, it may look a bit harsh, but know that I am not criticizing you at all. I am telling you what I have learned from my own experiences in therapy. By the way, I am very sorry that you have had to endure this.
When you mentioned that you thought you had "managed to put all of those experiences behind you", you actually just stored them. (Again, this is not a criticism....) What really happened is, you've never really dealt with the problems, but have stored them away for a time, and they are now coming back to haunt you.
Having to bring this stuff back up, and bring it out in the open is terrifying! It's your darkest, deepest secrets, and you thought that in time they'd go away. Unfortunately, they don't. But, by bringing these things up with a qualified therapist, they will be able to let you see that none of this was your fault, and they will be able to explain every single one of your thoughts regarding the situation. By doing that, they will also give you the mental tools to deal with all of this. (In some of my therapy, forgiveness was essential.... I don't know or think that is the case here, but your therapist will walk you through all of it)
2 things of real importance are, that you are not to blame for any of this and what you feel is 100% real and valid. Secondly, you can get through this with help. You've made a great first step by seeking the help you've sought, and just by "loosening up" so to speak by posting here, perhaps it will make it slightly easier to open up to your therapist.
I know there are so many horrible memories that you'll have to recount, but it is necessary to get through this.... it really is. And remember, what is said between you and your therapist stays just that... between the two of you. You'll have to tell them everything..... and it will conjure up memories that you've stored even deeper. It is going to sting a little, but it is the right thing to do. (In my therapy sessions and some group discussions, I somehow found a bit of peace knowing that others had actually gone through similar circumstances.... and the similarities are abundant! Being able to compare stories, listen to what has worked for others proved to be the most valuable.) Keep in mind too that all cases are different. What works for one, might not work for another. Know that you will find your help and will eventually find some peace. You'll be able to work through all of this, get it processed, and be able to store it in a healthier manner.
You are very brave for addressing this, and you're also very smart for knowing this is holding you back from living. You deserve to live, not exist.... and therapy is the key to getting this done. You mentioned your fear of all of the strength you've built up may come unraveled. It may, (again, not being critical of you) but they way in which you processed all of this isn't allowing you the opportunity to move forward. You're probably going to cry, and cry alot.... and that is okay! That is really part of letting this go.
Something that helped me a lot was learning this. We can only control ourselves, and we can not control the past. The past has happened and we cannot change it.
You are on the right track! Addressing this will bring closure to this. It is a work in progress and will not happen over night. Years of abuse might very well take years of therapy, but the key is that you are addressing this!
I don't even know you but will tell you that I am proud of you for realizing that now is the time to address this. So many people aren't brave enough to do what you are about to do! You are doing the right thing, and be patient..... Know that this is a process and will take some time to work. As you learn, you'll find that some of the tools you learn will be applicable in other places in therapy and life for that matter.
Keep us updated!
When you mentioned that you thought you had "managed to put all of those experiences behind you", you actually just stored them. (Again, this is not a criticism....) What really happened is, you've never really dealt with the problems, but have stored them away for a time, and they are now coming back to haunt you.
Having to bring this stuff back up, and bring it out in the open is terrifying! It's your darkest, deepest secrets, and you thought that in time they'd go away. Unfortunately, they don't. But, by bringing these things up with a qualified therapist, they will be able to let you see that none of this was your fault, and they will be able to explain every single one of your thoughts regarding the situation. By doing that, they will also give you the mental tools to deal with all of this. (In some of my therapy, forgiveness was essential.... I don't know or think that is the case here, but your therapist will walk you through all of it)
2 things of real importance are, that you are not to blame for any of this and what you feel is 100% real and valid. Secondly, you can get through this with help. You've made a great first step by seeking the help you've sought, and just by "loosening up" so to speak by posting here, perhaps it will make it slightly easier to open up to your therapist.
I know there are so many horrible memories that you'll have to recount, but it is necessary to get through this.... it really is. And remember, what is said between you and your therapist stays just that... between the two of you. You'll have to tell them everything..... and it will conjure up memories that you've stored even deeper. It is going to sting a little, but it is the right thing to do. (In my therapy sessions and some group discussions, I somehow found a bit of peace knowing that others had actually gone through similar circumstances.... and the similarities are abundant! Being able to compare stories, listen to what has worked for others proved to be the most valuable.) Keep in mind too that all cases are different. What works for one, might not work for another. Know that you will find your help and will eventually find some peace. You'll be able to work through all of this, get it processed, and be able to store it in a healthier manner.
You are very brave for addressing this, and you're also very smart for knowing this is holding you back from living. You deserve to live, not exist.... and therapy is the key to getting this done. You mentioned your fear of all of the strength you've built up may come unraveled. It may, (again, not being critical of you) but they way in which you processed all of this isn't allowing you the opportunity to move forward. You're probably going to cry, and cry alot.... and that is okay! That is really part of letting this go.
Something that helped me a lot was learning this. We can only control ourselves, and we can not control the past. The past has happened and we cannot change it.
You are on the right track! Addressing this will bring closure to this. It is a work in progress and will not happen over night. Years of abuse might very well take years of therapy, but the key is that you are addressing this!
I don't even know you but will tell you that I am proud of you for realizing that now is the time to address this. So many people aren't brave enough to do what you are about to do! You are doing the right thing, and be patient..... Know that this is a process and will take some time to work. As you learn, you'll find that some of the tools you learn will be applicable in other places in therapy and life for that matter.
Keep us updated!
My father knew exactly what he was doing when he started sexually abusing me from the age of five and my mother knew what she was doing when she turned a blind eye and did nothing to stop him. I'm 44 and I've tried so very very hard not to let the memories cripple me. When they got divorced they put me in a kids home but kept my brother and sister at home. The care home was horrible and the staff cruel. It got closed down because of the abuse that went on there. I've tried to put all that behind me. I really have. I don't want any of the adults from back then to even be in my head, let alone still cause me so much pain but for the last year I've been having flashbacks and nightmares. I thought I'd managed to put my childhood firmly in the past but it's all bubbling to the surface. I'm due to go into a psychiatric hospital soon in order to get treatment to help me cope but I'm terrified. I'm really frightened because I've never spoken to anyone about the abuse or the extent of it and fear it will consume me totally and undo all the strength I've built up over the years in order to cope. Sorry this post is so long. And thanks to you all for your kind words. Xx
I'd like to add a few things, if I may. What you need to know is that we can only be in control of ourselves, and we can only control the now. The past has happened and we cannot change it. (I hated hearing that in the beginning of my therapy, but it started making some sense later.)
How we deal or do not deal with the past is critical. What is important for you to realize is that you had no control as a child. You do however, as an adult. Getting involved with therapy and a support group is a perfect way of getting started. You'd be amazed at how similar some of the other stories are compared to yours..... it helps the heart a little, knowing that others have felt your pain. (This pain is yours by the way.... Nobody will be able to know exactly what you feel because they are not you, they cannot be in your head.)
A real good starting point is your regular primary care physician. I'm not sure where you live, but a lot of communities have mental health clinics where one can get affordable help. You owe this to yourself. This is your way of getting through this. Doing nothing lets the pain continue, or even get worse.
How we deal or do not deal with the past is critical. What is important for you to realize is that you had no control as a child. You do however, as an adult. Getting involved with therapy and a support group is a perfect way of getting started. You'd be amazed at how similar some of the other stories are compared to yours..... it helps the heart a little, knowing that others have felt your pain. (This pain is yours by the way.... Nobody will be able to know exactly what you feel because they are not you, they cannot be in your head.)
A real good starting point is your regular primary care physician. I'm not sure where you live, but a lot of communities have mental health clinics where one can get affordable help. You owe this to yourself. This is your way of getting through this. Doing nothing lets the pain continue, or even get worse.
Annie is right on a few things. First off, you seeking some therapy /counseling is a top priority..... and secondly, by allowing yourself to suffer still, you are empowering them.
I was frequently mentally/psychologically abused by my father. Honestly, he had no clue as to what he was doing. Things that happened to him growing up, he was taking out on me. I held him responsible for better than 35 years.... I remembered almost everything he did to me, and therapy would allow me to touch on some of the more hurtful things that happened that I stored deep within my psyche. And reliving that stuff again was misrable, but it allowed me to see it with an adults mind, and it allowed me to really evaluate what had happened. (For years, I thought the problem was me.....) Unfortunately my dad died 14 years ago, and I never really got to talk to him about this. I wish I could talk to him now.
For me, in order for me to move on... I had to address all of this stuff. I had to make sense out of what made no sense for decades. Doing this allowed me to forgive.... but I'll never forget! I don't have to forget, and neither do you. But you have your whole life in front of you, and you deserve to work this out with a therapist/counselor, and start making sense of what doesn't make sense..... it's hard to do, because you may have to take a good look at yourself too.... but it is doable!
Good luck to ya, and I am pulling for you.
I was frequently mentally/psychologically abused by my father. Honestly, he had no clue as to what he was doing. Things that happened to him growing up, he was taking out on me. I held him responsible for better than 35 years.... I remembered almost everything he did to me, and therapy would allow me to touch on some of the more hurtful things that happened that I stored deep within my psyche. And reliving that stuff again was misrable, but it allowed me to see it with an adults mind, and it allowed me to really evaluate what had happened. (For years, I thought the problem was me.....) Unfortunately my dad died 14 years ago, and I never really got to talk to him about this. I wish I could talk to him now.
For me, in order for me to move on... I had to address all of this stuff. I had to make sense out of what made no sense for decades. Doing this allowed me to forgive.... but I'll never forget! I don't have to forget, and neither do you. But you have your whole life in front of you, and you deserve to work this out with a therapist/counselor, and start making sense of what doesn't make sense..... it's hard to do, because you may have to take a good look at yourself too.... but it is doable!
Good luck to ya, and I am pulling for you.
Ur pain will NEVER GO AWAY and u will forget, u can however learn new ways to cope and deal with this. Try to find a good online support group where u can talk about it and know ur not alone. This would be a great place to start. Lovee and hugs, Anna
Have you been in therapy? One thing that comes to mind when I read your story is that by suffering you give them more power, and they don't deserve power over you today. It's time to work on the pain so you no longer give away your power to them by hurting and resenting and hating.
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