Depersonalization/ living behind glass

[adamIScool]

I have this horrible problem. Really horrible.

I have terrible dreams every night and when I wake up I still feel dreamy. The dreams aren't about monsters or the like. Instead they are about relationships with people around me and usually about those people being mean to me. I feel dreamy and behind glass-like or like I'm underwater all day. And it's made worse because the dreams seem to convince me that the people around me don't like me. It never goes away. It hurts so much when I look at my daughter and I don't feel like I'm really there. There's no doubt that I love her with every fiber, but being able to "feel" it in my body is a different thing. It's very saddening to feel it attacking my ability to feel emotions, like I have to force myself to look happy.

I've heard of depersonalization. Some link it to smoking weed. I did smoke weed and I absolutely hated it because it magnified the feeling 100 fold I even felt so removed from my body and eyes that I had to keep my hand in my pants constantly checking to make sure I didn't pee or soil myself. Alchohol is similiar though not as profound.  Uppers like caffiene, some types of pain pills and adderall seem help alleviate the symptoms. I think it started before I smoked weed though. I've always had a drastically creative, curious and observant mind, but I remember one day specifically in 9th grade. I was starring off, day dreaming (as usual) and looking at the border around the bulletin board. I noticed that it was slightly crooked and then thought about it "being aligned to the board, then the board aligned to the floor, then the floor to the basment, the basement to the foundation, the foundation to the bed rock the bed rock to the earth's mantle, core and so on to the molecular level" And from them on this kindof infinate looping thinking has manifested, taken over and plagueing my every synaptic jump.

I've been juggled around with diagnoses such as PTSD (my childhood was pretty good but just depressing being the fat kid with divorced parents. But around the age of 16 my mom got a new abusive boyfriend that totally abused and ruined our lives unspeakably), clincal depression, anxiety, ADHD (though still in a diagnostic phase).

To look at me or hang out with me you'd think I'm a normal 27 year old chillin with his buddies. But you may also notice that sometimes I can't pay attention to what is being said nor can i focus on a task at hand or reply to a question properly but it's nothing too noticable.

I hate going to social gatherings because that is when it acts up the worst and I feel like I'm not even connected to my body. It almost feels like I'm in the back of myself just pushing myself around blindly but I've learned to hide it. It's also very bad when I drive at night. One time I literally couldn't see the road and nearly crashed but landed in a field.

I wish I could feel emotions again (other than pain, frustration and anger) and I wish I could feel like my mind and body are connected to each other and I wish that I could look at my daughter and feel the rush of love and happiness.

Anyone got any ideas? I'm really desperate.

[mdewakan]

Disassociation is the term.  It's also a defense mechanism for ptsd as well.  You can develop ocd as well because it's what you control not anybody else.

[cthorne111]

Have you looked up the symptoms of OCD?

[painbrain]

I just read your post in the PTSD forum about the feeling of living behind glass.  I thought there was something wrong with me for years for always feeling like that.  I thought people just didn't understand or I just couldn't explain my thoughhts and feelings correclty, but, after reading your post I feel better, because I know that the thing trapping me behind the glass is ptsd.  It is not me being "wrong" somehow for not being able to get out from behind the glass.  I wanted to say thank you to you.  I hope that things are going well for you, your daughter, and all of the things in your life that you want to be able to experience from the other side of the glass.  If no one has ever told you before, you should know that your writing and vocabulary skills are wonderful.  Your post was well written, and to me, showed an above average level of understanding and empathy for the people in your life that are your loved ones.  I hope you are well aware of the skill and talent you have in your writing and communication, you should feel good about that.  Also I hope this note doesn't seem weird or creepy.  I just wanted to tell you thank you for posting what you did, because it helped me.
~painbrain

[margypops]

Are yout aking any medsfor the ADHD as it could be side effects making you feel like this ?