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I cant forgive or forget

Basically all my life my mom mentally abused me screamed yelled told me i was a failure one time when i was 11 she kicked me out of the house in the middle of winter in nothing but boxers and a tshirt and she would scream and yell over little things and eventually she made herself sick and she has this way to manipulate people into thinking she is the perfect mother and i am a demon from hell even therapists so when i was 15 she sent me to treatment called bar-none residential treatment i got jumped beaten physically and emotionally tormeneted by staff and the kids hell one time a 3 staff slammed me on the ground cracked my skull and i am now blind in my right eye from it so i eventually snapped and beat up one of the staff and then i got sent to lino lakes rjc which is a jail for 5 months just for standing up for myself basically i am 18 now and living with my mom i suffer from sever ptsd maniac depression severe anxiety aspergers and i just moved back in with my mom she hasnt been mean or abusive to me after i got out but i cant forgive her i cant figure out why my mind and body refuse to forgive annd forget and i have such big trauma attacks well not as bad anymore or but all the trauma attacks that i have just turn into bitteriness anger and saddness and most night i go from screaming and crying to putting the gun that i have to my head to laying there quietly to anger and that process repeats itself over and over again and i am getting so close to pulling the trigger people tell me to just forget and move on but i cant how can i move on when i am forced to relieve that trauma every single night
2 Responses
675718 tn?1530033033
your not alone ok try a support group and meds
1353681 tn?1387083733
Hi there, I know VERY well what trauma and abuse feel like and NO ONE deserves it ok?? You do not deserve what happened to you. Parents should not scream at , hit, or threaten their kids, period. My mom would yell at me daily, scream, hit me, and made me believe for YEARS I was bad and weak. She was very ill and yet I believed she was right:( I believed geesh I must be dumb.. geesh I shouldn't have said that, geesh I must be incapable. it made my life hell and even now as an adult I doubt myself SO much :( She had no right to make me feel so low, when I did nothing. YOU did nothing, ok? You were a child that needed love and safety.. I'm sorry all that heppened friend. Know that that place is no longer with you and that you are OUT of there *hugggg. you have a lot to live for, ok???? You have joy to live for, a new path, a new mind, a new life. I sometimes feel how can i ever get out of my hell; I still live with my mom and am in my 30's b/c of PTSD I've had. I want to cut all ties, and NEED to. I'm so glad your mom has been lighter to and for you now, and I hope things can go easier with you both. I want myself a NEW life, and we deserve it... you do NOT need to leave this earth ; ok ???? You have talents, hopes and wants, and who can help your own being get those into the world but You? You are so strong, and will be OK after all this *Huggg. Look into more therapy, I'm doing that myself actually too.
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675718 tn?1530033033
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