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My Boyfriend's deceased girlfriend
If anyone can give me feedback on this, I would be so incredibly grateful. I don't know who I can talk to about this.
I've been seeing my boyfriend for just over a couple months now and have started to really like him. I know this because recently I've been having some anxiety about how real our relationship is--if he is transferring feelings he had for an old girlfriend onto me. I wonder if this is a result from possible PTSD.
This weekend he will be traveling to Austria to visit the grave of his girlfriend who died in a motorbike accident a year ago. He was driving the bike and she was on the back when they hit a car they didn't see coming and flew through the air. He had major leg surgery, she slid into a coma and later passed.
He and I started dating 9 months after the accident. He had another girlfriend before me (their relationship lasted 2 months), and before her the girlfriend who passed (5-7 months... he changed the duration a few times). I'm American living in Spain and he's Spanish.
Very soon into the relationship he was telling me he loved me and he still tells me he needs me. But I can't help and wonder if he just needs someone, and that someone happened to be me. There's a part of me that thinks he's trying to find an outlet to put his feels of love for his lost ex. I hope enough time has passed that this isn't the case, but I also wonder if this is another way of grieving and dealing with the lack of closure.
Since he leaves for his trip this weekend, this week has been difficult. He doesn't show his feelings to me--which I can understand because he doesn't want to hurt me--but this is a double-edged knife because I'm also hurt he's not comfortable to share with me.
Seeing as how my time in Spain is a study abroad, I don't know if I should continue the relationship. It's very likely I will be back next Fall (for my 3rd year in Spain) and we could continue, but right now I feel like an emotional rebound for him. Will I end up being that girl who helped him get over his lost love? There's nothing wrong with that other than I feel I'm being used in a sort of way, and that our love is just because he needed me. He's said things to me before such as: I remind him of her sometimes, that if she were still here he'd be with her, that she was more beautiful than I am, and that she's like a ghost, sometimes in his dreams... these things really f***king hurt to hear.
He tells me that he wants to love me more, that he wants to continue this relationship and that he'll never forget me. But I really wonder if he just wants to love again so he can find some more closure with the death of his other girlfriend.
I don't know what to do. I'm really trying to be good, patient and sympathetic, although I realize how selfish this post must sound. But I'm hurting too now--clearly not as much as him--and I don't know what to do.
Thanks for the read and suggestions
I've been seeing my boyfriend for just over a couple months now and have started to really like him. I know this because recently I've been having some anxiety about how real our relationship is--if he is transferring feelings he had for an old girlfriend onto me. I wonder if this is a result from possible PTSD.
This weekend he will be traveling to Austria to visit the grave of his girlfriend who died in a motorbike accident a year ago. He was driving the bike and she was on the back when they hit a car they didn't see coming and flew through the air. He had major leg surgery, she slid into a coma and later passed.
He and I started dating 9 months after the accident. He had another girlfriend before me (their relationship lasted 2 months), and before her the girlfriend who passed (5-7 months... he changed the duration a few times). I'm American living in Spain and he's Spanish.
Very soon into the relationship he was telling me he loved me and he still tells me he needs me. But I can't help and wonder if he just needs someone, and that someone happened to be me. There's a part of me that thinks he's trying to find an outlet to put his feels of love for his lost ex. I hope enough time has passed that this isn't the case, but I also wonder if this is another way of grieving and dealing with the lack of closure.
Since he leaves for his trip this weekend, this week has been difficult. He doesn't show his feelings to me--which I can understand because he doesn't want to hurt me--but this is a double-edged knife because I'm also hurt he's not comfortable to share with me.
Seeing as how my time in Spain is a study abroad, I don't know if I should continue the relationship. It's very likely I will be back next Fall (for my 3rd year in Spain) and we could continue, but right now I feel like an emotional rebound for him. Will I end up being that girl who helped him get over his lost love? There's nothing wrong with that other than I feel I'm being used in a sort of way, and that our love is just because he needed me. He's said things to me before such as: I remind him of her sometimes, that if she were still here he'd be with her, that she was more beautiful than I am, and that she's like a ghost, sometimes in his dreams... these things really f***king hurt to hear.
He tells me that he wants to love me more, that he wants to continue this relationship and that he'll never forget me. But I really wonder if he just wants to love again so he can find some more closure with the death of his other girlfriend.
I don't know what to do. I'm really trying to be good, patient and sympathetic, although I realize how selfish this post must sound. But I'm hurting too now--clearly not as much as him--and I don't know what to do.
Thanks for the read and suggestions
Roxy hits the nail right on the head and said it nicer and kinder than I could...
M
M
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