Not sure what to do anymore!

[SadMentalCase]

My name is T'nia and I am a 21 going on 22 yr old mother. My question/ rant is this: I feel trapped most of the time in my mind of all distress and thoughts of my past abouse. I have extreem PTSD and I am scared that the person I am with wont ever be able to understand why I "randomly" to him just go off on him, or just get very quite. We have been together for almost 2 yr now and it seems like its been nothing but arguing. I was diegnosed as Bipolar when I was 13. Started taking meds for ADHD when I was 9 and when I was 18 I said screw it "get me off these meds". Now almost 4 years later my Bipolar is getting bad again and I cannot seem to get the help I need, because of fear of being judged, questioned, and shuned for things that my childhood had made me do. I will not say what exactly I have done but I will say that I was molested when I was 4 by a family friends son! I have suffered 2 rapes between when I was 4 to when I was 13. I have done everything that I thought I could do to get the correct attention but in the end people just look at me as another Psycho running lose on the streets. It is not hard for me to make friends but it is very hard for me to keep them. I have a huge heart that gets me hurt more then I would like to admit. I do believe in "PAYING IT FORWARD" but that makes me look like someone that just likes to give to others and not take care of my self. Well to my boyfriend that is. My son is 2 and I went through DHS Dapartment of Human Services 3 months after he was born because I self medicated with weed. I cannot spell that is why I said weed! But I feel like every time I do something great it just get missunderstood or just put on the back burner. I have problems with my moods so bad that I had to call in today for my training because I had an extreem attack. I don't see what my triggers are and I think I have trained my self to just brush them off as nothing. Then when they take over all hell brakes lose! I get to my manic more then I do my depressed, but in the end when I do end up depressed I go way down the hole of what seems like no return! I don't know what I am asking for but I do know that I feel alone and feel so dam MISSUNDERSTOOD! :(

[drifter0213]

try to open up to a counselor if you are totally honest you will get the help you need :)

[Kabe827]

I understand what ur going through...I think you would benefit from some counselling..sounds like u have alot of pain from your past & also alot of unresolved issues. Counselling will help with this. Those things that happened to you will haunt you the rest of your life unless u resolve these issues by talking about them as much as you need to to a professional..til ur blue if u have to...as long as it takes for you to come to terms with these things and you stop them from controlling your life. Once you do this, you will be set free...ofcourse u may still have bad days but not like you have been having. I believe you are going through this because you have alot of feelings stuck inside you about hese painful experiences..please please share them and let them go!! Dont let the trauma follow you the rest of your life! It already took enough of you!! I wish you the best! You could also try a support group for women that have been raped..you can call your local Human Services for help Good Luck!!