I did want to tell you how very, very sorry I am to hear about the passing of your mom. As you may recall my father recently passed on, in my home....after years of sharing my home and heart with me ...he is physically gone from my life. I miss him every single moment of the day.
I know the pain of losing a close parent. So my heart goes out to you. You are right, words cannot express the pain that grief can bring. The horrible crushing pain of loss does ease a bit with time.....but after almost six months my pain is still very deep and close. Dad and I were so very close all my life . He loved me unconditionally as I did him. Strong, wonderful and very rare, "Unconditional Love." Where else do we have that but from but a parent(s) and maybe children? I am sure you had that from your mom.
I hope you will draw on your faith to help you through this time. Between my faith, my husband and a very, very dear friend I am finally managing. I encourage you to draw on all of these too.
What my wonderful dad left me was gifts of the heart. Gifts that cannot be put in words. He taught me to be honest, hard working, to love my fellow man and this wonderful earth that God gave us. He took me to Church and Sunday school where my faith and love of the Lord and our Savior developed and grew. And now that is what I am left with....all those gifts and so many more that would be much too long to list. And I hope and believe that your mom must have left you the same or similar.
Your mom may have left this earth but she never left you. She will always be in your heart. She will live on through you. I try to do the things that would make my dad proud and to try to make a difference in this world. That is my goal, to make my dad proud of what he helped create, me. You may want to have a similar goal.
There are no words I can say that will ease your grief right now. Just know that I am and have been praying for you and that you are not alone. Be good to yourself. Do the things that bring you comfort. Cry when you need to...for me over that last several months in has calmed down from frequent, uncontrollable sobbing often through the day to daily tears. Again, be good to yourself. Do only what you must do when your grief is overwhelming. Hang in dear-heart.
Don't forget we do have a Grief and Loss Forum, if you are so inclined to visit or join them.
Blessing and (((HUGS))),
I am so very sorry about the loss of your mom. Tuck's words are so beautiful and comforting it brought me to tears. I lost my mom 4.5 years ago. She died the day after my birthday. (I am convinced she waited for my birthday to pass.)
My mom was my best friend and biggest cheerleader. I always felt I could accomplish anything with her encouragement. I miss her every day and still get a little teary at some point in the day. I also still have times where the loss will hit me so deeply and I'll have a great big cry. But I also smile most days when I think of her. And I laugh with my kids and my family and friends. We have great memories.
My mom was 83 and lived a good life. She was ready to go and we had talked about it a lot as she had a chronic lung condition. It's actually surprising she lasted as long as she did. I cared for her, along with my sister, brother and dad and hospice and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but also one of the things I'm most proud of.
In some ways, maybe, I was fortunate to know it was coming sooner rather than later. Losing someone suddenly is a terrible shock. But my mom had a lot of suffering in some ways and that's hard to witness. There is a little comfort when you know someone didn't suffer.
I have a strong faith but even with that I have struggled with the loss. I hope you have someone you can talk to ... someone who also loved your mom that you can laugh and cry with. There is no timetable for grieving. Allow yourself to grieve. I know for me losing my mom has left a huge hole in my heart.
Find a way that you can honor your mom and still feel the connection. Maybe you both shared a love of gardening or reading. We planted a tree in our yard in honor of my mom. And there's one other thing I do to feel connected to her. My mom always told me to be kind to myself and put myself first once in a while. I always put my kids first, just like she did. My mom loved Christmas. She was more about the religious aspect of it BUT she loved trying to talk my kids into telling her what we got her for Christmas.
Twice a year I now honor my mom by taking her advice ... since I don't buy presents for her anymore, on Christmas and on my birthday I treat myself to something extravagant. Something just for me. It doesn't necessarily have to be expensive but it has to be something I normally wouldn't buy for myself. One year it was nice sunglasses. Another year it was a gorgeous purse. It could be a piece of costume jewelry or a new book. It makes me feel closer to her knowing that I was doing something nice for myself.
Your loss is still new and raw. I agree with Tuck about being good to yourself. It helps you heal. Like Tuck, I also had days with uncontrollable sobbing; sometimes when it wasn't the most private spot (like a restaurant or a bookstore.) I know for a long time I was just going through the motions, trying to smile on the outside even though my heart was broken and even now, on occasion, I can still be somewhat immobilized by my grief. But it does help to have someone to talk to that's gone through it.
I so wish there were words that would bring you comfort, but there really isn't. I had a friend who knew my mom well. She lost her dad 3 weeks before I lost my mom and we shared our grief together.
You'll be in my prayers. And also your dad. I hope he's doing okay.
Again, I want to express my sincere sorrow to you for the loss of your Sweet Mother. I KNOW how close you both were and the emptiness that you are experiencing now!!
To have someone so young be taken from you so unexpectedly and quickly, is unexplainable. Sometimes we just don't know why God chooses to do these things and sometimes we NEVER will know why!!! I wish there was an answer for you but I'm sure there is nothing that would make sense to you now!!
As I've said before, having lost my Mother also, it is a Special loss that no one can understand that hasn't gone through it, unless they have lost a parent that they were close to. The closeness that you and your Mother had is something that will be as fresh in your mind 50 years from now as it is today!! You will NEVER lose that. I lost my Mom 16 years ago and all I have to do is look at a picture or see something that she made or look at a piece of furniture that I have that belonged to her and the memories come flooding back. Don't EVER fear that you will forget these things because you WON'T!!! They will, forever, be with you for the rest of your life!!!
Now, you will be to Dani and Austin, the one to help keep their memories, of their Beloved Grandmother, alive for them. Who better to do it, than the person that loved her the most - YOU!!! You will be the one to tell them the stories of when YOU were young and ALL of the WONDERFUL things that you learned from your Mom!! You can tell them the funny stories about things that happened with your Mom that bring a smile to YOUR face EVERYTIME that you think about them. ONLY YOU can do this! NO ONE ELSE!! Eventually, you will get to the point that everytime you sit and tell them one of these WONDERFUL stories, a WARM feeling will come over you and I PROMISE you that it will be YOUR Mom hugging you!!! I PROMISE that it WILL happen. It may not be today BUT it will happen!!!!
One of the things that helped me the most, when I lost my Mom and Dad 6 weeks apart, was to get out the OLD Photo albums and sit and look through them. I CRIED A LOT!!! As well as LAUGHED A LOT!!! Eventually, this horrific emptiness WILL go away. There will still be a smaller feeling of emptiness that may NEVER leave BUT it will be smaller and NOT so overpowering!! The smaller emptiness will ALSO have a feeling of GREAT LOVE wrapped up in it.
Honey, you will ALSO be the ONE person that can help your Dad through his grief! When he needs to cry - you will b there to cry with him. When he needs to laugh - you will be there to laugh with him. When he needs to remember - you will be the ONE and ONLY that can reminisce about the special memories and experiences that ONLY you and your Mom had together!!!
I know that it's VERY hard to do this now but understand that she is watching over You and Dani and Austin and Glenn ALL the time!!! She will NEVER leave you. When your days are the darkest - get out those pictures and sit down and have a GOOD CRY!!!
It will help you MORE than you will EVER know!!!
Be sure that you DON'T push people away that are trying to console you. I KNOW that Glenn will be a HUGE help to you in the upcoming days and months. Hold him and his love close and take comfort in it. Let Glenn hold you and comfort you. I'm so glad that you have him. My Jean was a GREAT comfort to me.
Jamie, you are a VERY strong person that will make it through this. I PROMISE you that you will.
What Tuck suggested about the "Grief and Loss Forum" is an EXCELLENT idea!!! You will have MANY people there that are going through this at the same time that you are.
God Bless and keep you, Jamie!!
I'm sending you Warm HUGS!!!........Mama Sherry
Everyones words helps so much. My mom meant the world to me. When I was young it seemed I was getting into trouble all the time so when I got married I told my mom I will make you proud of me. So i made it my goal to make my mom very proud of me. I have told her over and over again how lost I will be without her and how much I love her and how much she means to me. She has told me over and over that I did make her proud and that I am a great mother to my kids. Can I still make her proud of me? I hope I can cause I will keep doing it and making her see what kind of woman that she raised. I want her to be proud of me. My dad is doing ok. I call him every other day and he will call me when he needs to talk. He called last night and read a poem to me about someone grieving and it hit our feelings right on the nose. We cried together and laughed together. He keeps saying I remind him of my mom which is a good thing. He is a harley biker guy but I have finally seen his soft side. He cries just like me, he loves just like me and he misses her with all of his heart just like me. We are so much closer now and I know that would make my mom very proud. When he called me last night he said he was looking at my picture and needed to talk to me. I called him today to see how he was doing. He is ready to go back to work, I thought going back to work would help me but it only makes it worse cause I think more. The birthday card to a mom really hurt me yesterday. I feel a big hole in my heart that can never be filled again. My kids really miss her also and they have helped me thru this too. My husband has been the best, he has stepped up and showed me how much he loves me and how he is here for me and he keeps saying he wishes he could take the pain away and make it better but nothing will only time, it won't get better but it might get easier.
Thank you Mellie, Tuck and Sherry. I know talking to people that has lost a parent does really help me and your words have been great. Im not taking one day at a time I am taking 1 minute at a time, that is all I can do. It really hurts. I miss her so much. I read at my moms furenal, I wanted to, I wanted her to know how I felt about her again. Everyone keeps telling me what a great job I did, I wrote it myself and it was so hard to read it but I had to. I wanted to share what I said to my mom.
"Judy was not only a great mother she was also a great wife, a great sister, a great daughter and a awesome grandma and my best friend.
I almost lost my mom 8 years ago. Her body was full of blood clots. My dad took her to the hospital. They kept drugging her up and my dad asked “what are you guys doing” they said “We are sorry but there isn’t much we can do so we are making her comfortable until she passes” My dad said “the he** you are” and had her moved to Riverside where they saved her life.
When my mom was really sick I was pregnant with my son Austin. My mom kept telling me that she kept dreaming of her new grandson and knew she had to fight for her life so she could meet him, they had a bound that no one could break! I want to thank my dad, his choice of having my mom moved gave me 8 great more years with her.
I am going to miss my moms smile, her laugh, her emails, her hugs. I lost my mom, my best friend but I gained a Angel. I love you so much mom!"
Thanks so much for all your kind words, I know I have not been pefect, I have messed up and you guys helping me thru this means so much to me and it won't be forgotten.
Jamie, You ARE making your Mom VERY proud every minute of every day!!! What you read to your Mom is ABSOLUTELY perfect!! I KNOW that she loved it and loves you.
I still have that PM that you wrote to me about your Mom almost dying 8 years ago and how you said that Austin SAVED her life. It is a wonderful story and has stayed with me to this day. I KNOW how much you loved and STILL love your Mom. In so many of your PM's to me it seems you mentioned your Mom.
I'm so VERY glad that you and your Dad have found each other such a comfort to each other. When my Mom died 16 years ago, the 6 weeks between her death and my Dad's death, my Dad and I became even closer - if that's possible - than we were before. We laughed and cried together EVERY day. We sat up every night and watched TV together - Jean and I had to move in with him or they wouldn't have let him be at home because his heart was so bad - and talk or JUST sit together in silence and hold hands until it was time to go to bed. It was OUR time as Father and Daughter. I LOVE that you and your Dad have found this closeness as it will give you such Peace.
Jamie - NONE of us are perfect!! We are GLAD that we can be here for you!!
God Bless You and Your Dad and Your Family. We are here for you......Mama Sherry
Thanks Sherry. I know how hard it had to be to lose your parents so close together and I am sorry you had to go thru that but I am so glad you got time with him. I know it had to help both of you.
Me and my dad have never been close. This is the closest we have ever been. But he has always loved me. He calls me his baby girl still to this day.
I was so close to my mom, she meant the world to me. She was my angel. She was very important to me. I thought about her everyday of my life and talked to her just about everyday. When she was having problems she will lean on me and I would do the same when I was having problems. I find myself thinking man I miss my mom I am going to call her and then pick up the phone and then it hits me that I can't. I will miss her so much, I will miss everything about her. I still can't look at pictures of her right now cause it hurts to bad but I got her in my head.
I really wish I could sleep, I know if I could get some sleep I might feel better but Im not sleeping very well right now. I keep waking up. I would love one night of a good nights sleep but I don't think it will come anytime soon. I am so tired and stressed.
Time will help I just have to keep telling myself that. I know she is watching me and wants me to be happy and stay strong for my kids and not be depressed and cry all the time and not sleep like I am doing now but it will take time to get to that point.
Thanks Alot Sherry
Yes, it does take time. It WILL come eventually where you CAN look at the pictures and where you can get to sleep again. There is just too much going on right now in your head for you to be able to relax. My head was SPINNING constantly after I lost my parents. I just couldn't relax at all.
I remember your PM telling me about your relationship with your Dad. I'm so glad that you and your Dad are becoming closer! I have to let you know that even after 16 years - there are still times that I go to reach for the phone because I think of something that I want to tell my Mom. We talked EVERYDAY just like you and your Mom. Jamie - do you REALIZE how blessed we both are to have had that type of relationship with our Mother's. Think of ALL the people that DON'T have that closeness that we had with them. It STILL, to this day, warms my Heart whenever I think of the relationship that I had with my Mom and I STILL Thank God DAILY for being blessed with that.
Jamie - you need to talk with your Doctor about getting something to help you sleep JUST long enough to get you through this time until you can get past this.
Thinking of you.....Mama Sherry
I agree with Sherry about getting something to help you sleep. Sleep can be a great healer. When my mom first died, I didn't sleep well either. And when I did, I would wake up with tears running down my face and it would take me a minute to remember why. Not everyone is lucky enough to have moms like we did. I saw my mother EVERY day. We lived a block away from each other. We spoke on the phone every morning around 5 am while I had coffee before my kids got up. She helped raise my kids and my oldest had a special bond with my mom. My kids still have moments where they cry missing her.
This is kind of funny. The cemetery isn't far from my house. We had a beautiful stone done that my mom would have been thrilled with. She was a devout Catholic with a special connection to the Blessed Mother and we included an etching of the rosary entwined with praying hands. On the foot plate we had "Grammy" with three shamrocks on each side representing each of the grandchildren. (She was from Ireland.)
I went to the cemetery ALL the time. Probably every day. Sometimes I wouldn't get out of the car; other times I'd stay hours. I'd bring the kids once in a while. Little did I know, the kids went on their own! One day I went up and was pulling a few weeds and I noticed a beaded bracelet on top of the headstone. When I got home, I asked the kids, and Maura, who was 8 at the time said she put it there. I was really confused because I knew she didn't put it there when I brought her.
Both my parents were involved with my kids and not only did they love their grandchildren, they also loved their friends. Maura had been at her friend Rachel's house and they made these beaded friendship bracelets. Maura asked Rachel's mother to bring her up to the cemetery because she wanted to "visit my Grammy." EVERYONE loved my mom and Rachel's mom knew her and loved her for years so she happily brought Maura and Rachel up and they left the bracelet there.
We decorate the grave for holidays (tastefully I hope.)
I love my dad and he was so broken when my mom died. And he still is. He's 82 and we live together now since my mom's gone. I know I'll miss him terribly when his time comes but it won't be anywhere near what I've gone through with my mom. I gave my mom a run for her money when I was a kid ..... nothing too bad but enough. We were so alike and so involved in each other's lives. Sherry's right, the hole gets a bit smaller. The balance changes a bit in your grief. LIfe does go on and there WILL come a day when you'll cry a little less and laugh a little more. Sixteen years for Sherry and nearly five years for me and we both still have a good old cry once in a while. When you're that close with your mom, losing her leaves a huge gap.
Remember her with your kids; talk about her and keep her alive in that way. I truly believe they are still with us and watching over us. I'd love one more chance to hug and kiss my mom ... someday I'll do it again.
You'll be in my prayers. I'm glad you have a supportive husband. Mine wasn't. A week after she died and he found me crying he told me, 'Get over it. She's dead. She was old." Well, after ALL those years of loads of abuse, I left him. And I know it was my mom who gave me the strength to do it.
I have talked to a few people and they say that they don't even talk to their moms and it breaks my heart. My mom was my world, I don't think I would be here today without my moms help thru my life. Alot of people just go thru out the day and that is it. Since the accident and then my mom I have learned to live your life like it is your last day on earth cause you never know when your life will be over. Im trying to do that now. I am so blessed for having a great relationship with my mom. I made sure she knew how important she was to me all the time and I told her every day that I love her. I am glad I got to do that.
Well I need to go see if I can get thru another day at work. Work has been really hard.
You're right Jamie. Some ppl don't have a good relationship with their parents.
Unfortunately some parents have not earned their children's respect. We all love our parents but not all of us respect them. There is a difference and I was blessed, as it sounds like were, that not only did/do I love my dad; I highly respected him.
Like your mom, he is now an angel, looking over me and still guiding me. I see him in all things beautiful. Like the golden sunsets, the twinkling stars and even in a child's infectious laughter. The pain of losing a parent that we were so very close to is indescribable. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
As time progresses you will find ways to cope. Right now the pain of your loss is too fresh. You have the right attitude, one moment at a time. Moments turn into hours and hours into days and days into months. Suddenly it's six months and then six years and you find that some where along the way the pain became tolerable.
I found work hard, too. I had taken 8 weeks family leave to care for my mom. And I am so grateful for it. There were no regrets. The words that needed to be said were said. We buried her July 3rd, which was a Monday. Because of the holiday, I took the rest of the week off. I work in the courtroom and I thought it would take my mind off things. I found myself having to ask the judge for a break because I became overwhelmed and my eyes filled up with tears. I was in my office bawling my eyes out.
I ended up taking the rest of the summer off with this sort of obsolete Superior Court Rule. I could take as much time off as I wanted, get my full pay and benefits, accumulate my sick, personal and vacation time as long as I hired a per diem court reporter to cover my sessions. The per diem rate was about a hundred dollars a day less than I made. I worked on transcripts at home, spent a lot of time with my kids at the ocean and just tried to heal. I brought my friend Joanne who had lost her dad 3 weeks prior to my mom dying and we sort of worked through it together.
When I think back at the insensitivity of my ex-husband, my blood boils. But he actually did me a favor. It was thinking of my beautiful mother going to her grave knowing I was STILL married to him that made me leave. And I truly believe she had a hand in me meeting Michael. Along with his mother. He lost his mother to lung cancer and cared for her. It is incredibly eerie all he and I have in common: losing our moms, chronic pain issues, being married to addicts. HIs mom was Italian and mine was Irish but both of them had huge devotion to the Blessed Mother. His mom has some of the same pictures my mom did.
Tuck is right about the pain being so fresh. It really is indescribable, isn't it? I always have had a lot of empathy for people going through things. I've had very close friends lose a parent that I've been close to and felt they were a "second" parent to me. But until it's your own, you just don't know the despair.
I've always been a big believer in "feeling your feelings." If you don't, I think it comes out in other ways that are harmful. Cry if you need to. Try to find something that brings you comfort. Holidays are forever different and can be sooo hard. (My sister thinks I'm crazy but every year I buy the smallest bottle of my mom's favorite perfume. I wrap it and put it at the cemetery. When the holiday is over, I donate it to a thrift store that helps abused women. I know it's crazy but my mother LOVED the holidays and up until she died, from the time I was a teenager, she and I secretly exchanged one small gift on Christmas Eve. No one else knew. It was more silly than anything. Both of us were "snoopers." She'd say, "Just tell me. I promise I'll still be surprised."
Jamie, I will be praying for your healing. It's funny. I've been having a really bad time missing my mom in the last couple of weeks. Serious crying jags out of the blue. I had actually talked to Sherry about it. Through reading your posts, I've had some healing and sort of snapped out of it. I realize how lucky I am to have had her. Tuck is right. Not everyone is lucky enough to have parents they respect as well as love. As bad as the grief and sorrow that you have and some of us have had, it's a lot better than feeling nothing. My ex lives in the same town as his mom (and me.) He could go six months without calling her or seeing her. It boggles my mind.
Keep sharing, Karen, with whoever you find any peace. Your mom will continue to watch over you and be proud of you.
Jamie!!! Sorry ... I mistyped in my last paragraph and said Karen when I meant Jamie. I was (shamelessly confession) multitasking and chatting on the phone with my friend Karen about my Christmas Eve party. And given the narcotics and fibro fog I should know better than to try to multitask! So sorry!
I hope you're getting some sleep. It's REALLY important ... more than we realize for both our physical and emotional health!!