*8yr old sleeping with mother

[jsk637]

Ok, i will try to make a long story short. My 2 boys age 15 & 11, and I live with my fiance. He has 3 boys, age 7, 8 &15, he is divorced and the 2 youngest go to thier mothers every other week. The 15 yr old has no desire to go at all, so doesnt, unless its a holiday or special occasion on that side of the family. Note that the 15 yr old is not even my fiance's biological child, he is the ex's from a previous marriage. but is with us full time. Everybody has thier own rooms, and own beds. the youngest do share a bedroom though.

The exwife has a 2 bedroom apt, has bunk beds for the yougest and even a bed in that room for the oldest for when he goes. But--- the 7 yr old sleeps on the sofa and the 8 yr old sleeps with her. The boys tell me it is because there are clothes piled up on thier beds, so they cant sleep there.

even when it is her week, she drops the boys off here to catch the bus, and they ride the bus home and are here w/ me for about 2 hours before she picks them up. I watch the behavior deteriorate as the week goes on, whining, fighting, rudeness etc. When we get them back on Sunday evening, it takes 3 days to get them back to normal, then come sunday when its getting time to go again they start right back up.

What can we do about this?? I know its not normal for an 8 yr old to sleep w/ mommy. My own children only slept with me when they were nursing, and that was cut off at 6 weeks?  

[specialmom]

Well, what you describe as to her living conditions isn't normal.  The 15 trash bags sounds like hoarding to me . . . but either way, the house has problems.  Do protective services need to make an unannounced visit?  The father would have to think this was an okay idea . . . but I worry about these boys safety.  Sounds real bad.

What does your X say about all of this?  

[jsk637]

Actually, she isnt a Hoarder. She's a ( insert your opinion here).....Case in point, we added another bedroom in the basement, we found 27 black trash bags filled with everything from dirty clothes, to unpaid bills to dirty dishes stacked behind boxes and storage bins.  The 15 yr old stopped wanting to go after a visit one weekend where he had to wash the crockpot full of spaghetti that was on the counter from the 3 weeks before. She meets me at the door if i have to drop anything off, so Ive never seen the inside of the apt. But the oldest says its bad.

I'm not sayin this stuff to be mean or immature, I'm 40. I have genuine concerns for the situation as a whole.

And since I have the boys every morning I always ask them what they had for dinner the night before. Lets see, so far this week its been Mcdonalds, taco bell, Village Inn, papa murphy's. Its about the same every week. I cook a real meal every night, dont believe in junk for dinner, we probably get fast food 3 times a month.

I dont say anyhting bad to them about thier mother. Period. Also, he doesnt say anything bad to my boys about my ex .

I'm not saying  I'm perfect, please dont get that impession of me, I just wanted some other peoples opinions on this.

And last night, since the 7 yr old sleeps on the couch, he snuck the tv on in the middle of the night and watched it for who knows how long. and we all know how kids are when they are tired, so he was a peach to deal with this morning, I can imagine how school is gonna be for him today.

As every day goes by, it gets harder and harder for me not to say something to her. But I dont. Not my place.

[specialmom]

Tough situation.  I don't know what is going on with the mom . . . is she a hoerder?  (really, is there no room in the beds?)

I will say that "family bed" while I don't do it is something families do have.  Usually it ends before 8 though --------  

The problem is, you are their fathers girlfriend.  He has to initiate anything that happens.  I'd try not to talk about her in front of the kids and stay posative.  And if your fiance has real concerns---  he should talk to his attorney and petition the court.  The bed issue won't work---  but the place being unfit may.  Behavior changes should be documented.  But your fiance must be the one to handle it.  You're in a tough place and I can see you are trying to do the right thing.  Good luck.