9 year old daughter afraid to sleep alone

[Jen120772]

My 9 year old daughter has been sleeping with her dad (my ex) and with me every night for the past several years. We lived 'separated' in two separate bedrooms of our home for over 3 years. She took turns sleeping in my bed or sleeping in his. When we finally divorced and moved into our separate apartments, she continued to sleep with both of us. I am engaged to be married next month. My ex and I agree that it's inappropriate for her to be sleeping with my new husband and me. I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to transition her to her own bed.

She gets stomach and headaches just before bed. I believe this is anxiety from the fear of being in her own room. I've tried (a relaxing bath, stories, prayers, books, movies). Nothing works. If I don't lay with her, she does not fall asleep. She's been on melatonin for her sleep problems for 3 years now. She can't go to sleep without it.

When I lay with her, I fall asleep and wake up at 3am and go to my own bed. Shortly after, she realizes I'm not there and comes to my room. By this time, I'm asleep and don't realize she's there until the morning. If I lock my door, she knocks and screams and wakes the other children in the house. Then I'm too tired and out of it to put her back in her bed.

If I let her fall asleep in my bed, then she's fine. We both sleep great with no interuptions, but this can't go on once I'm married. Plus, this isn't healthy for her to not be able to sleep alone.

We've talked in length about this. I have night lights all over her room. I put up Christmas lights around her  bed to help her. I've tried putting on a movie for her, but she watches the entire thing and then comes and finds me and then I have to try to put her to bed all over again.

I have been reading the other posts on here and it's good to know I'm not alone. I need to hear a success story. How did you do it?

I think if I can get through a week of HELL, we'll be ok. I want to do it before we move to our new house and get married next month. It's Christmas time, so I hate doing it now, but there is always a reason why I can't do it.

Should I put all the lights on and do the story and prayers, kiss her goodnight and tell her to go to sleep. If she gets up, how do I keep her in her room without locking her in there? She gets histerical and has true fear in her eyes. She panics and I feel just terrible.

Thank you!
Jennifer

[Kate12345678]

Im the step parent of a similar situation.  9 y/o cant sleep alone yet i say she can sleep alone but my husband wont let her..... meaning she says she cant sleep alone but really its the parents who prolong this thought process. I say that we need to tell kids "yes you can sleep alone it will get easier".  She may not sleep for a few night but eventually she will get tired and realize this is how it is and she may even feel self secure more and help her grow up.  This may sound harsh but helping kids grow up sometimes is harder on the parents i think.

[yflores102902]

hi, my daughter is 9 years old, almost 10. about a year ago we moved into our new home, she slept in her room alone for the first couple of months, then she was scared, she said she feels like someone is watching her, and leaning over her bed. when we were fixing up the home, she claimed that to be her room, it has a door that lead to the laundry room that goes to the kitchen. one night she whent into her room and saw the attick board floatting up in the air from the pressure of the swamp cooler, dad explain what causes that. we have bloked the board putting something heavy on top so it doesn't float again, we took her bed apart, so shes only sleeping on mattresses. for the past few months shes been sleeping with her brother who is 6, he gets mad from time to time because shes there. shes asked to have sleep overs  and today i just had it, i went off at her because how does she feel ok sleeping at others people homes and not in her bed, i think i was too hard on her today, but its the fustration. im 3 months prego and soon im not going to be able to handle her sleeping at the end of my bed, dad hates when she comes to our bed because he can't strech. i need help,i don't know what elses to do, im reading on how to get  her back in her room, i will try some of the things i have read, i just feel like im a bad mom because i have to yield at her to get back in her room!please,i need help!!!

[mel9986]

My 10 yo said that he saw monsters at night. This went on for several years until I sat down and talked about what kind of monsters he saw. He could not tell me in detail and was being vague about it all. I then remembered he had a video game, Call of Duty, it had a zombie mode in the game where there are monsters in this mode of play. It was just the start of summer and knew he would be staying up late at night playing. I told him that maybe I should take the game away for a few months and see if this has any affect on his sleeping. He told me that was not the problem and that he can sleep by himself. I told him the first time he did not sleep by himself I would take the game away for three months. That has been one year ago and he has been sleeping by himself ever since.

[nikkig109]

How are things with your daughter? I have 2 girls9,12 and bedtime is a nightmare for us. Just wondering if things are better.I can relate to everything you said.Nikkig

[fawngonzalez]

Hi Hun,

This is a difficult situation since your getting married and there will be a new person in the bed. I would suggest not locking her in her room as this as you state it causes her extreme anxiety, my parents resulted to things like that and I am 26 and to this day I am scared of the dark and hate sleeping alone. My son is 7 years old and he still sleeps with us  because when he slept in his own room he says he say ghosts. I'm probably one of those of weird mothers but I believe what my son says whether its true or not it obviously causes him discomfort. Does she have a sibling she can sleep with? I'm sure she will grow out of it, I know I did but then as an adult it just came back,

[heidleberg]

We have had to deal with very, very similar issues with our two girls.  I made the mistake of sleeping with them as babies and had a very difficult time getting them out of our bed.  Finally we succeeded but when their dad was deployed they wanted to be in my bed again.  When he came home they still wanted to sleep with us.  We did four things that have made all the difference.  They always sleep in their own rooms and we have zero issues at bedtime.
1.  Stop watching CSI, Law and Order, etc.  I know that sounds crazy.  A friend suggested to me that I not watch them any more and see if the bedtime anxiety went away and it did.  Of course I wasn't watching those shows when my kids were around but I really believe they bring a certain energy and the kids can sense that.

2.  I promise each of them a minimum of fifteen minutes of alone time with Mommy before bedtime.  We cuddle and talk- it's not story time.  It's time to connect and relax.  If they complain when I leave then they loose it for the next night.  We use an egg timer to make things fair but if one of them really needs me that night I'll go back in for a few minutes.

3.  I get story tapes for the library or download stories from www.storynory.com and let them listen to those for as long as they need to.  

4.  We have a specific routine and they know exactly what to expect.  If bedtime starts to become a whining session then privledges are lost and the door is shut- even if they throw a fit.  A fit equals distance and separation.  A calm child in bed equals alone time with mom.  

Also the only reasons for getting up again are to use the bathroom or if they are seriously sick.  And that has to be like they already threw up.  I know that sounds mean but for the first week they'll "get" headaches, stomach aches whatever to get you back in the room.  Give this a week, use a reward chart if you need too, and it'll get better!