9 yr old giving our valuables away..help!

[lucky_2_b_me]

My nine yr old daughter has been 'trading' many of her toys in which she always gives expensive items away in exchange for 'bubble gum machine' items. When I find this out, I make her return the items and get her things back, but I think most of the time I am unaware of it, until I realize something is missing. I suspect she traded her nintendo DS, since it vanished a while back. She recently confessed when I was looking for my $400.00 heart diamond necklace, that she traded it to the 9 yr old neighbor boy for $1.00. Of course, the boy can't seem to find it, so I will not get this back. The boy's mother believes the boy, when he told her that my daughter kept pesting him for the trade. My daughter tells me that he was the one coaxing her to get the necklace. I believe her. She has been trading expensive items with this same boy quite often, in which I made her go to his house and get her items back. The mother said she was not aware of all of the trading going on. First I want to say, I thought I was a good mother. My kids never went without anything, for the most part, they have more than most of their friends have. My questions are: Why does my daughter not understand or seem to care about the value of things. Why does she continue to do this? I ground her and take her things away for punishment, but she does it again. In my opinion, I think my neighbors 9 yr old boy was wrong also, and I think they should offer to help pay for the loss. Am I wrong here? The response I got from the mother is that her children would never lie, cheat or steal, and they seem to doubt the value of my necklace, since i have no receipt. This necklace had alot of diamonds and a very good chain. I feel betrayed by my own daughter, she said she is sorry, but I really don't think she understands the value and the wrong doing. I am very stressed over this and need some good advice. Thanks!

[RockRose]

Hmm.  I agree with Annie,  and have a couple things to add.

First,  she's stealing from you and basically giving this stuff to this boy to buy his friendship. Maybe if she got an allowance each week (around 10 bucks) that she could use to buy treats at the grocery store or rent a movie,  or buy little items with.  Anything she buys with her OWN money is fair to trade,  everything else is not fair to trade.  That includes her stuff in her room.  Not for trading.

Secondly,  the boy's mother sounds odd.  I would consider calling her and saying you really want the necklace back,  it has great sentimental and actual value,  and you're considering calling the police to make the boy realize how serious this is.  Acknowledge that your daughter was completely in the wrong to give this item away for $1,  and she shouldn't have done it,  but now it's time to end this and give back your property.

I think if you went down to the police station and explain that you don't want to press charges you just want the voice of authority in there,  to ramp up the request for your necklace back,  they'd help you out.   And also put a little bit of fear of the law into your daughter,  as well as the boy and his mom.

I don't know.  That's a drastic step to take,  and will make enemies of this family forever,  but she's not acting like a mom.

Best wishes.

[AnnieBrooke]

First, shut your jewelry away from this little trader, so nothing more that is valuable will disappear that belongs to you.  Probably neither child had the slightest inkling that the necklace was worth $400, she just offered it for trade, and he thought it was cool enough.  I don't think you can expect the family to help pay for it, but you might try to get the other mom to help her son look for it, especially since he did say that at some point he had it.   (If he can't seem to find it, it is possible he traded it to someone else, but he might be willing to tell his mom where it went if you weren't standing right there.  Maybe you could get it back that way.)  I also wouldn't buy her small electronics any more until she learns the difference in cost between a bubblegum ring and a Nintendo DS.

My sense is that if she is this persistent in trading in the face of punishment, there is something it gives her emotionally that is more important to her than punishment.  She might do the trading because the bargaining makes her feel special or powerful or important?  Maybe the neighbor boy won't play with her unless they are doing something interesting like trading, and she wants to impress him by having interesting things to trade.  I would be concerned that they have free time alone with no adult around, to be doing these trades, given that she can't seem to tell what is OK to trade and what is not.

When I was a kid, we traded bubble-gum rings and things like that -- baseball cards were also readily available and cheap then and we traded all of those.  If she really has the bug to keep trading, why not go together and get a small supply of gawdy cheap stuff, like from the party store, and tell her those are things she can trade?  If you were to take an interest in the pleasure she gets from trading, and buy her about ten or twenty bucks worth of twinkly junk to trade with, she might feel less needy of this boy's attention or less likely to trade away such valuable things.  When you are doing this, you could also be explaining to her how long it takes you to earn $400, and how comparatively shorter it takes you to earn $20.  Kids don't need costly things to have fun swapping.  She'll probably be pleased to have your assistance and interest on this topic rather than simply prohibitions and punishment.