Bf's daughter likes me but doesn't know I'm Dad's gf

[vivienchan]

A friend who is undergoing divorce introduced me to his 9 year old daughter and 4 year old son early this year. At that time we were good friends and the kids liked me, especially the 9 year old daughter. I was actually there to spend time with the girl so she could have a kind of female "mentor" to do girlie things together and share girlie problems like puberty. A month ago me and the friend became more than friends. The kids' love towards me is growing with time but they don't know (or we never tell them) that we are not "only friends" anymore.

The kids stays at dad's place most of the time, and see their mom once a week. They have good relationship with mom. And way before I started to have sleep overs during the weekend there, the girl asked me personally to stay for the night and dad even didn't know of such conversation. Dad once asked her why she wanted me to stay and why she is always asking for me, she just said she liked me a lot and wanted to play with me.

Recently I started to stay there for weekends. We agreed not to show affection in front of the kids, fearing that they would get confused and betrayed as the girl might still see me as father's friend and her own best friend. One morning the kids woke up very early and jumped onto dad's bed when i was still in bed with him. The 4 year old is not really our concern as he seems ok with anyone and that he's too young to understand things like that. The 9 year old girl, to my surprise, was not bothered. She still treats me the same, or even better every time i see her. However after that time we became more careful and wake up very early to avoid them seeing us together in bed.

I just would like to ask if a 9 year old girl can pick up on what's going on between her dad and me? I care about the girl a lot and I actually wouldn't want to continue with the relationship if it's going to hurt her. We both don't know what to do. He suggests maybe we keep it discreet till we feel the time is right and that the girl knows me more before we officially tell her what is going on. Some say it's good that the girl likes me already, so is easier for her to accept me. But I also fear that the more she likes me, the more she could feel betrayed and get hurt more, and that dad stole her friend, or me stole her dad...

I don't know if I'm thinking too much. But it's been bothering me and my bf for some time. I feel really happy when the girl asks for me all the time and that she shares personal problems with me, and has a framed picture of me next to her bed (there's no other pictures in her room on display, not even mom and dad), plus drawing things that I give her. However I get more stressful and worried when things are getting better as I don't really know if that would let to more disappointment when she finds out dad is with me.

Please may I have some advice on the following:

1. Can a 9 year old girl pick up hints and knows if dad and I are in a relationship?
2. How should we approach this situation and when should we officially tell her?
3. How can I let my guy know what to do as well? As I don't want to sound pushy. But then I do worry that if we don't do it at the right timing it can cause harm to the kids and our relationship.
4. Is showing affection not good in front of the kids? Especially they don't know what's going on supposedly?

Thank you in advance for your help.

[vivienchan]

Dear I_luv_kitties

Yes I agree and that's why we are being extremely cautious not to set a bad example. And that's why the kids are always the priority when we consider anything. And I did have a conversation with him telling him that I cannot let the kids have an impression that "friends" can be so "intimate". So we agree to avoid showing affection in front of them (though sometimes he can't resist touching me, but trying to hide it from the kids, which I find really cute)

We've been discussing about it but not heavily. Like most guys, he's not good at expressing his feelings, and that he doesn't really tell me what's bothering him. Like you said, the first thing is to have the divorce final. They were separated before we met. And the kids know about the divorce. However there are many things to be sorted like, the splitting of the properties, custody etc. Those things are all under negotiation and are changing all the time so, while he has to be careful not to agitate the ex-wife who might make things difficult, I do think that before serious discussion of "US" the most urgent things are all about the divorce so everyone can be calm and get things sorted the best way.

I was rather surprised and actually touched though, when a couple of weeks ago he initiated a talk (as I don't really ask about the divorce unless it seem to create things that bothers him as i don't want to get involved) and told me about their discussion of final divorce arrangements and a change of the existing arrangements (which is, the kids will be with mom most of the week and only go to daddy during weekend, instead of the current arrangement that mom only has the kids for a night or two)  and the selling of the house, he said he'd love to move to my area so it's easier for us to meet (that means he needs to travel farther to get the kids). I didn't really expect the divorce arrangement would involve any consideration of me. As it's their divorce and I am not involved. And like you said since the divorce is not final, if he is not careful enough things can mess up so we still have to be "discreet" at the moment. But he was happy that the ex-wife is starting to go out dating so he's less worried about our relationship that might be affected by ex-wife. However I did tell him not to worry about me as I am flexible and can travel and for such arrangement he should focus on what is best for him and the kids.

And actually he's introduced me to some of his friends already, even though he said we need to be discreet. Those are friends that don't connect to the ex-wife. However it's rather embarrassing as some of them don't know he's undergoing divorce and think I'm the wife or the kids' mom. He knows I get embarrassed but he handles it well and always try to explain it. So although we don't really talk about "how serious" the relationship is, we are actually very serious.

Recently i do suspect that the daughter knows a thing or two but she's fine with it. In my previous post I told you about the daughter having a picture of me framed in her bedroom. A couple weeks ago I was taking her out and like always she would tell me a lot of things. She complained that daddy took away my picture because it was little brother's birthday and mom would visit the house to celebrate together. Daddy wanted it to disappear so mom cannot see it. However after a month's time daddy is still not giving the picture back and she's not happy about it. I didn't know he took away the picture really. So I talked to my bf and said I was surprised that the picture was so important to her. He said he's already explained to her that he didn't want mom to see it. But from the daughter's reaction and tone of voice it was like she knows about daddy and I's situation.

And I think things will be clearer, and easier after a few months when the divorce is final and everything is settled. It's very difficult these days as he's troubled by all the things like house selling and other arrangements and is always stressed. He actually some stress is coming from trying to keep everyone happy and not neglecting me while he has to try and arrange the kids to see mom and the helper is leaving this week so it will be chaos and he has to be the one to send the kids to everywhere which is really a headache.

Thanks for the feedback. :)

[I_luv_kitties]

Viv, I think you and your bf should be heavily discussing the future of your relationship - couple of months or not. If it is not serious, then I would keep it from the kids as you dont want to break their hearts even more if things dont work out between you. plus when their mother finds out you two are an item, you dont know what she will tell the kids and/or if she will manipulate them into not liking you and causing trouble. Especially if his divorce is not final, if he is not divorced yet, even separated, think of it from a childs view - they were married. And marriage is supposed to be forever. Having a girlfriend while separating from Mom is completely inappropriate. You dont want set a bad example and their father should setting an extremely good example if he wants his daughters to have healthy relationships when they are older. Think of them and not of what the two of you want.

[margypops]

Over thinking ..let iot go , all will be well.

[vivienchan]

Thanks. As we were discussing on this we both worried that the girl will feel that either i stole her father or that his father stole her friend...maybe it's just adult's thinking.

[margypops]

Yes they really do ...dont think too much unless they are really happy thoughts.

[vivienchan]

Thank you very much for your encouragement and advice. I really wish things are less complicated. Or maybe just our thoughts make things complicated

[margypops]

I think they do and I think you are going to be okay with these kids, your post was full of caring about their feelings more than your own, possibly a good step Mom in the making.I find children accept a lot of things, make a point of having fun with them children respond to positive attention, shes at that age when cooking /shopping can be enjoyable ,female stuff.When you have to tell her to do things like picking up /cleaning after herself give her choices not demands, children like that... kind of ;Do you want to tidy your room now or after your dinner, 'rather than "clean up your room now' which usually gets a 'No' Good luck I think this is going to be a great relationship.

[vivienchan]

Thanks margypops. Too early for a ring it's just a couple months or so! We are not living together. I just wonder if kids understand these things...

[margypops]

See I believe in Marriage so I want to say your BF should give you a ring, get engaged then it makes it seem more legitimate .I would think the 9year old can pickup anything she sees as how can it be a secret, yes tell her that you are partners , and will share the same room,she already knows if they came into your room and saw you together. Is is good to show affection if front of children it makes they feel happy include them in the hugs.