My 8 year old son hates me

[caligirl1]

When my son was six months old, I went back to work as planned. For one day. I couldn't do it--couldn't stand to be separated from him. I quit my job with my husbands blessing and never looked back. We have always been so close. He is an only child so we were able to have a really special bond. Now that he is almost nine, I feel like he hates me. He doesn't want to hear my opinion on anything, I feel like he is constantly annoyed with me and he argues and corrects me about everything. If I tell my husband we got home at 4:00 my son says "No, it was 4:05". However, he still wants me around. He likes to have me volunteer at his school and go on field trips with his class. When we do things like that, things seem normal, but on a day to day basis, I feel like my efforts have been for nothing . It was always very important to me to be there for him all the time and give him a great childhood and make sure he never felt unloved, (can you tell my childhood was a mess?) basically, I've completely overcompensated to make sure that he had everything I didn't and none of the bad things that I had.
Im feeling really depressed. Really depressed. I haven't worked for nine years now. I've put everything into my child because I felt that being a parent is the most important job that anyone can have. Since I had the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, I took it. Now I have nothing. Maybe this is a normal phase and I'm taking it way too hard. I feel pretty immature for even letting this bother me so much but, I can't help it. It breaks my heart. It doesn't help that I have no family here. My parents died and my sister moved out of state. I'm embarased to tell any of my friends. They have always told me that they wish they had my patience and dedication  and that I'm such an amazing mother. If they knew the truth, the only thing they would be amazed by is what a failure I am. Anyway, I'm babbling and feeling sorry for myself. I guess I was wondering if anyone else has been through this and how did it turn out? Or even people who haven't been through it. I'd like to know any thoughts on this.

[Shomer22]

Wow I just searched "why does my 8 year old son hate me out of the blue" and this popped up. Every single word you said is how I am feel right now. My first son passed away and I became pregnant with devin 5 months later. I have stayed with devin since he was born. Not in daycare or before school. He is home. I have a successful home business that allowed me to be around him ALL THE TIME.
As I was reading your post I was thinking in my head "wait a minute to be honest sometimes I get aggravated with devin...but I'm a mom so I don't know how to be mean to him nor do I want too. Our boys are 8 years old. 8. They can't express annoyance and the crazy need for independence at the same time!  We simply can't take it "personally". We've raised these boys will all that we have and all the love we could give.
They don't have anyone else to share these feelings towards. Dad will get mad and never let it happen. I think my son does it bc he knows he can act whatever he wants and I will love him unconditionally. Anyone else would reprimand them or get angry...but they know, or at least we hope they know) that we will just "get it" and it will be ok.
Anyway I'm babbling too! But I answered so many of my own concerns from reading your post!

[dontwanttogiveup]

Have no idea how to do this, never typed on one of these before, but tonight was a bad night.  I feel your pain.  Just tonight my 8 year old son called me the biggest fattest meanie.  Said he hated me . . wished I was dead.  Said he didn't care if he EVER saw me again in his life.  Wrote me a note - blank - said he had nothing to say to me.  Held his yearbook over his head like he was going to hit me.  This because I asked him to eat his green beans and take a bath.  While his father is involved in his life, he has NO idea what it takes to be a dad.  He has no respect for women, me or anyone for that matter.  Therefore doesn't teach my son to respect people - especially me.  Tells me to change what i'm doing and lower my expectations.  He holds him accountable for nothing.  of course he wants to live w/ Daddy.  Daddy is his best friend, not a father.  You are not alone.  I have appt. to see counselor, but not for a couple weeks.  Tonight after he apologized for the 100 time this week, I asked him to think of something he wants to do.  I'm going to write it on a board.  Then write the things I expect from him.  We will keep a chart of his temper - temper best or his best for morning, afternoon and evening.  Then he will get a sticker if he follows the rules.  I'm hoping this will help.  If he has more than 25 VB's in a month and 25 stickers, then he gets to do his special thing.  I'm hoping and praying this works.  I love my son more than anything, but I too, am almost to the point where I say "here, you take him".  I can't go on w/ the constant force against me (his dad).   Oh I could go on for hours!!  But know you are not alone.  And I would be money you ARE STILL a good mom.

[onceagoodmom]

I see that this post is from years ago so I'm interested to hear how you and your son's relationship is today.
My 8 year old absolutely does not listen to me.  I'm the mean parent, the one that he thinks hates him and the one he has zero respect for.  I;m at the end of my rope and I'm throwing in the white flag.  My son truly hates me and I know I've failed him as a parent.  I actually pray that I find a man with another child or that my child would just go live with his ever so perfect father.  
I know this is wrong,I feel how wrong this is but I just have given up.  question everyday why I had him and often think his life as well as mine would be so much better without one another in it.

Don't get me wrong, for the first 5 years his love was the only time I ever experienced unconditional love and for those moments I'll always remember as the time my son once cared, loved and respected me.  I just want him happy and i think that he will be some crazy serial killer when he's because as a mother I have failed him miserably.
I have no other place to go or talk to because on the outside people see me as this great wonderful mother.  Nobody knows that i secretly wish I never became a parent and that in my silence I suffer, which in turn means he suffers because he will never see how to love a woman or how a woman should love him.  What do I do?  Do i tell him to live with his father and stay out of his life?  as cold as that sounds it's all i can come up with now because I've exhausted all my resources....

HELP!

[FLsnglmm]

I am so sorry for your situation, it's heartbreaking. I suppose the questions are, Do you feel safe?
Perhaps a call to an agency that he is not following up with Dr. referrals could be medical neglect, even if mental. I would ask my lawyer or go for a free consult.

[sadstace1986]

I have 2 sons aged 10 and 8 to a previous relationship. Their father has had custody of them since they were 1 and 3 (he took them from me and i went through 7 years of battling through court to be told they are too settled with their dad) their dad has ruined my baby boy. He hates me and my other children to my new partner. I have been physically attacked, verbally abused, death threats etc from both my 8 yr old and his father. I have fortnightly contact from a friday to sunday and i love to see them. However i cant take anymore i can see hate in him i can honestly say that i think he is going to seriously hurt someone and he will go 2 jail. Ive taken him to see doctors and got referals to various agencies but because they live with their father i receive no information on when these follow up appointments are. And u fortunayely he father never takes him to any of them. Its got to the point now where i know i should stop all contact i have w8th my 8 yr old for the safety of my 2 yr old and 4 yr old. It tears me apart i know its his fathers fault but when i repirt him to the authorities he makes me out to be the bad one saying anything to get them back. Im very depressed and scared. Neee advice if anu1 can help :'(

[pazma2012]

I, too, have an 8 year old boy that seems like he hates me.  Single mom, only child.  We were very close.  Just my son an I.  His dad wasn't around him much at all when I was married to him.  Dad was a one weekend a month dad.  We divorced when son turned two.  When my son was 4 I attempted a reconciliation with his father...it didn't work out, but for a year and a half (boy was 4 and 5 years old) we lived with his father.  It was hard for us to leave (dad got a girlfriend and I had to leave, sort of forced out.  my son doesn't know this though, I've never dad anything bad or negative to him about his dad).
I'd like to know how it turns out, is this a phase?  It is very painful and I am confused as to how to handle the disrespectful words, the correcting, the challenges, the "I wish you were dead" looks, the "you are a moron" attitude.  Even when he needs my help with something and I am in the midst of complying its like he can barely tolerate my presence or help.  I've talked, I've screamed, I've reasoned...I'm trying to give him space...how much is enough?  Will too much space and hands off attitude send him down a path that will lead to more disrespect...that is scary when I contemplate being a single mom to a teenage boy.  
On the flip side, he is compassionate, loving and thoughtful with others (as he used to be with me).

[Mystica_1998]

3 years later....I am curious how this situation turned out. Today I am the mother of an 8 year old today who hates me. I am getting the same exact treatment and am in tears and don't know what to do. I feel like I am losing her. Please tell me how things are today.

[caligirl1]

I have a magnet on my refrigerator that I read at least once a day to remind me how important today is. Usually, it helps me if Im feeling annoyed, lazy etc. Its Diane Loomans' "If I had my child to raise over again". You're probably familiar with it already, but here it is.
If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less
I would do less correcting, and more connecting
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes
I would care to know less and know to care more
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars
I'd do more hugging and less tugging
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often
I would be firm less often and affirm much more
I'd model less about the love of power,
and more about the power of love.

[specialmom]

Yes,  I too can worry about tomorrow a little too  much.  But it is what we do today that sets the stage for tomorrow.  The love and care you've shown your son lives in his heart.  He'll do the thing that kids do (and are supposed to do) by seperating from us and pursuing their own life.  But your love will always be there.  There does come a point in which a grown child (our babies they will always be) sees those who loved them with the respect they deserve-----  I believe that.  So, while your son may drift in and out now-----   he loves you very much.  And as I said, I bet if you talked to him and let  him know you don't like that backtalk-----  he'll probably do it less.  Good luck----  I feel bad for all the kids who don't have that opportunity to be the center of someone's universe.  

[caligirl1]

Your kids are so lucky that you are an "older mom". In your case it has obviously given you  wisdom and experience in various situations with relatives' children. You put it so accurately when you said that everything revolves around him (in his mind). But just when I think "how did I raise such a selfish child?" he does something selfless. He told me the other day that he would like me to donate half the money I was going to spend on his Christmas presents to the ASPCA.
I guess I know in my heart that these years are time well spent but it is so hard to have a person who cant possibly know how much you love and cherish him act like you're a stranger who has done nothing for him.
Im also getting ahead of myself and thinking about when he grows up--ugh-just typing the words brings tears to my eyes! I really need to focus on today.
I thank you for your kind words and reassurance.

[specialmom]

Oh, please don't feel like a failure.  You sacrificed a lot for your child (even though it was like a gift to yourself) and have given him love and a happy, peaceful life.  He is most likely going through a phase.

I am a stay at home mom too of two boys.  One thing I've read is that we as mothers tend to dote on our little kids . . . they grow up with this skewed view that the world revolves around them.  Perhaps your son is taking that a little too far.  Tell him he hurts your feelings when he argues and that you won't tolerate it.   My mother called that backtalk.  She had 0 tolerance for it.  She was the most loving mother in the world.  I would tell him that he just can't treat you that way.  He'll get it if you mean it.  He'll learn too how to respect those he loves as I have no doubt he loves you to pieces.  So, make it clear that back talk is NOT going to happen.  He is to respect  you at all times.  And I think the phase will end soon.  

We do have to prepare ourselves for the day our kids have a life outside of us.   Think about what kinds of things that you like-----  working out, gardening, cooking, etc.  Add a few more of those things in now.  

But rest peacefully-----  you son loves you very much.  My boys are only 5 and 4------  but they are the center of my universe.  But I'm an older mom in my 40's with lots of nieces and nephews that have been through this----  I am prepared.  (I think . . .)  But don't take it personally.  Kids are kids and they do things without intentionally hurting us.  Good luck and kudos for you for enjoying motherhood so much!  Me too.