Should I Tell My Son His Dad is not His Biological Father

[MCHAVEZJARDON]

My son will be 11 years old in less than a month. 3 years ago I had a paternity test done & come to find out the man that is on his birth certificate is not his father. He was my boyfriend but I was in love with his biological father & cheated  on my boyfriend with him. He told me he wasn't able to have children so when I came out pregnant there wasn't a question in my head who the father was. Then while I am pregnant his biological father tells me that he & his girlfriend are having a baby but still I don't think anything. Then once my son is born he looks nothing like my boyfriend but no one assumes anything because he looks like my family. So then 1 year passes & we end up breaking up so then my husband comes in the picture & he takes my son as his own. So for all these years my son believes that my husband is his dad but now that my son has grown up so much he is the spitting image of the man I loved for all those years. My son knows who he is but he thinks his biological dad is his cousin. It kills me inside that I am hiding this huge secret from him & it stresses me out everyday. Especially since his biological dad & I live in the same town & have a lot of the same friends. I am dying to tell my son. He is the sweetest young man but I am scared that he will hate me for what I've done & I don't want to emotionally scar him for life. How would you suggest I handle the situation?

[MrMom74]

I meant at age 10, not emotionally equipped.

[MrMom74]

I hope you didn't do it. My ex decided to tell our son that I wasn't his biological father at age 10 because he wanted to live with me and she was angry about it. I had been his father since he was 5 months old, and had officially adopted him at 18 months right after we were married. He had known nothing else. It's taken nearly 8 years to repair the damage. He will be 18 in a couple months. After a few years of resenting me, it turned back to resenting her, and he moved in with me a year and a half ago after tracking down his bio dad and realizing he was a drug addicted POS who had been in and out if jail for drugs and a myriad of assault charges. The original plan, no matter what happened between us, was to sit him down once he was old enough to handle it, maybe age 20, and have an adult conversation about it, but that didn't happen. He wasn't emotionally equipped for it at 19, and I feel he has been the one to really pay the price for it, although that was not his mother's intent.

[Red1Charlie]

Let's recap-  You've lied to your son his whole life.  His father isn't his father but is a caring man that has raised your son as his own.  The man who's name appears on your son's birth certificate isn't his father either because you cheated on him.

What bennefit is there in telling your son the truth now as apposed to from the start or even from 3 years ago when you confirmed it?

Your husband already accepted your son as his own.
What does he think?
If you haven't included him in this dilema, why not??

If your desire is simply to relieve your conscience at the risk of destroying your son's life as he knows it, is there really a question??

If your son isn't questioning his identity leave it be. He'll be going thru a rough enough patch of life without your mucking it up so YOU can feel better.
If he comes to you with questions....BE HONEST and accept all the reward that you deserve.  With any luck he will get thru it and embrace the family he has.

[coolas]

Wow, this one is very tricky!  So let me get this straight the man that you are married to is the cousin of the father of your son?  You said he thinks his biological dad is his cousin?  Does he know the story of how you met your husband?  What does your husband say about all of this?  Have you discussed the paternity results with the biological father?  What does he say?  Perhaps you don't need to tell him who his bio father is, but let him know that your husband is not his biological father; although you BOTH need to reassure him that your husband loves him like his own.  Maybe you can tell him who his father is when he's a little older?  Assuming that he has a fulfilling relationship with your husband; the dad he knows?  Maybe one step at a time.  Could you see a family counselor?