Should he know now or later?

[Whatsright]

Hello,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and have an amazing 2 year old girl.  He is a wonderful and supportive Dad and boyfriend. 9 years ago he had a son when he was 18. He went to prison for a year and a half shortley after his son was born for multiple drunk drivings. He continued to struggle with alcohol until we met in 2006 and althought he always paid child support had never established a relationship with his son. He went through therapy and has been sober since 2006 and continues to work on his issues from childhood as he was given up when he was 2 by his mother and at 12 by his father. When our daughter was born in 2007 he realized what he had missed out on with his son and reached out to his son's mother and asked her how she would feel about figuring out a way to introduce him to his son (ofcourse slowley and perhaps with mental health professionals assitance). She did not want to do this as her son beleives that her current husband is his father and told my boyfriend he should wait until his son is 18 and he can tell him then.  We tried to do it legally but just got the GAL's response and it states that because it would be a disruption to the child's life he does not feel it would be in his best interest and will be terminating my boyfriends parental rights. We have tried to see this from other angles but how could that be what is best? We feel he deserves to know his father wanted him and loves him.  We are terrified that if we wait until he is 18 that he will feel like his life was a lie. I have read so much material that all states that it is better for a child to know their biological parent if they are a positive extension. I'm so confused on why this would be best. I am desperate for advice and or anyone with experiance with this type of situation.

[kev543]

If he truely loves his son, then he must sacrifies his time with him for the boys sake. no good will come from this. he needs to wait till the boy is older and then tell him why he did it that way. I know it will s uc k because he wants to know his son but it will devistate the boys relationship with his other father because of the lie his mother told him. i would tell the mother that she will have some explaining to do when he is 18 because he will know his father.

[looking4others]

I don't agree with RockRose. I agree with you and think the child should know. At some point, that child is going to grow up and have a strong curiosity and biological desire to know why his eyes/smile/nose look the way they do. I found out I had a different biological father when I was 26 years old. I have a wonderful dad who raised me, but I would have loved to have known about  my bio-dad when I was young enough to understand the concept. The news was huge, of course, but nowhere near as hard to deal with as the lies and betrayal from my family or the way some of them chose [not] to handle it after I found out. Tell the son and you're smart to consider an experienced therapist be involved at some point. Just my two cents.

[raquelplus2]

yes i also agree with rockrose. he had the chance when he was younger and he made bad mistakes an was obviously selfish then and thats something hes gonna hav to live with. that lil boy thinks that other man is his dad and is hppy dont disturb his happiness an his life was based on a lie its based on reality of the situation jus because the dad aint bilogical doesnt mean he aint the dad a dad is someone who is ther from birth who spends time loves cares supports and is there thats a father. tell your bf to let it go and jus live with his regrets he has a new baby to care for and be that good father too.... good luck!

[RockRose]

He does think his father loves him and wants him - that's who he's living with,  that's who's raising him,  that's Dad.

I think your fiance should walk away from this completely.  This child has an intact loving family - it won't help him at all to know who the real biological father is.  It would make him feel less connected to his true Dad who is raising him.