Worried about daughters friends

[nalla]

My oldest daughter will be 11 next month. (5th grade)  She has the same best friend for the past few years. But over the past 6 months or so they both have been getting into a lot of trouble. I know the mother of this girl and the family is not good. They have no rules in the house, no bedtime, can eat what ever they want, etc. The mother is constantly going out parting and drinking. I don't allow my daughter to go over there, but would still let them play together. But this girl has taught my daughter swear words, talks about drinking, sneaking out, lying, having sex with boys and now going on these diets that you just eat cheese, (she is telling my daughter she is over weight, which she isn't. She is 10 and weighs 80 lbs, etc. We are really concerned about her attitude now. She (my daughter) talks back, throws these huge fits now. This is a new behavior. She says she can do what ever she wants because that is what her friend can do. And now she told her coach that she wants to drop out of basketball. ( and she LOVES all sports!) because her friend isn't playing too. So far her school work has been great and she isn't acting out in school, but there is a big change at home. And we have watched and she seems to act this way mostly when she has spent time with her friend. I don't know for sure if it's this friend, or her age with her starting puberty and everything, or a little bit of both. We have tried talking to her about making new friends, but she just gets upset and says that she loves this friend and will be her best friend forever. I'm at a loss with how to deal with this. I was expecting more of these types of problems when she became a teenager. When I was in Jr. high, I started hanging out with the wrong kids and gave my parents and teachers a really hard time all through school. How do I turn things around before they get bad? She is a really good kid, and has never been a problem at home or in public, it's just been in the past 6 months. She is copying her friend with a lot of the behavior. I guess I'm not asking about the discipline aspect of it, but if we should take this friend away or not. I half way with my parents would have taken some of my friends away. I might not have gotten into so much trouble as a kid. But then again it would have been really hard to make new friends. At that age the clicks have pretty much been formed. We are in a really small town, so it's not as easy to just go make a bunch of new friends. Does anybody have any advice?

[crzychick]

As Nalla said have Rules.  I did.

I posted mine in my journal if you are interested.  Mine were written for 15-17 yr olds but could be changed for any age group.  Feel free to read and copy if you want.

I posted mine in her room  right by the light switch and she was forbidden to take them down.  They are still there.  They have worked.  I haven't had any problems since I put them up.

[ponderousmom]

maybe you should try and get the friend to be at your house as much as possible--get your morals to rub off on her-it might not be pretty in the beginning, but maybe you could help her straighten out--keep her away from who ever is teaching her all things you dont want your daughter learn....

[snooper35]

Yes, visitation at your home only with House Rules. Violate the Rules and no visitation. Post the Rules on fridge door, where kids are known to spend much time. Be firm but fair and expect infractions so try to have something besides an all or nothing way to deal with them. You want to save the Nuclear Bomb for
the worst of infractions not the petty ones.

Snooper35

[PGB]

Jenshim is right.  If you tell her she can't hang out with this girl any more, that will make her more determined to.  Been there, done that.  And I just hung out with them at school until I got old enough to sneak around and do it outside of school.  I know that's what you want to do, and every instinct you have as a mother is probably screaming at you to do that very thing, but be very careful with that or it will backfire on you.  Kids are stubborn...and they think we as parents don't know anything.  They forget that we were there ourselves not too terribly long ago.  Just remember how you felt at her age and how you would've reacted to your parents doing that to you.  I also think maybe kris123 is onto something by suggesting they hang out at your house.  It might be a chore to have an extra kid around a lot, but it would be better than the alternative.  Good luck!!

[jenstam]

If you tell her she can't hang out with her anymore she will want to even more. I know, because my mother did the same thing when I was about that age. She thought this girl was a bad influence. I am now 34 and that girl and I are still close friends. It made our friendship stronger! I don't really know what the right answer is though. I am a parent also and I see people that aren't good for my kids, too. I tell them the same thing basically, but I always talk to them about how "You are the company you keep" and make good choices for friends. Be friends with people you would like to be like. I remind them that good people with good morals and values and respect for others are the best choice. Some kids are just drawn to friends like that, regardless of what you do. Some will choose to do the right thing and some will be drawn closer to them if you try to keep them away. That's when those kids start to get sneakier. Just be careful not to be too controlling and try to gently guide your daughter in the right direction without being too overbearing. Make her feel like the choice is hers. Good luck!

[kris123]

Nalla, my dauther just turned 12 and she weighs 121 and 5',  maybe if you let them hang out do it at your house and within hearing range - maybe you could be a postive inful. on this girl as it sounds she needs one.  I am having trouble myself so I know where you are coming from.  My daughter friends have been known to cuss to but she was going to hear it somewhere it is crazy.  I told my daughter about sex and that she can get pregnant ect... I warned her because she needs to know.  My mom's sister works in an elem. school and there are two 12 year old pregnant.

[rebbecca]

i wouldnt let your daughter hang around her anymore. it seems like she is going to get ur daughter in a lot of trouble. and u really dont need a pregnant teen.
good luck and god bless