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defiant or disorder

Has anyone received any kind of conclusive answer to the poop smearing issues? My new girl friend just told me that her 8 year old daughter smeared poop on her bathroom cabinet just after she had painted the bathroom. My girlfriend (Mom) had a baby born almost three years ago with trisamen 18 that wasn't supposed to live past her first week and a year after that gave birth to another little girl very healthy but a real terror. Needless to say moms time with the special needs baby is 98% of everyday. The 8 year old not only has lost, what used to be all her moms attention, but is now having to make bottles, change diapers, watch her little sister, and do more than the usual 8 yr old would be expected to do as a child. On another note the father of the two sisters is not the father of the 8 yr old. She doesn't know her real father, but calls moms now husband (in prison) dad. He is mean to the 8 yr old because she isn't his and would display acts of rejection by telling her leave the bedroom when him, mom, and his two daughters were all laying together in their bed just cuddling with each other. So moms attention gone, having to grow up too fast with much responsibility put on her because of her two sisters, and a dad figure that sends signals of resentment and rejection. that's basically the run down, let me add dad was/is a heroin addict would be gone from the home for days on end, come back after a binge and ransack the house for anything he could take and sell for heroin money. Very mean to mom and never participating in the raising of the kids or taking responsibility for anything to do with caring for them, contributing to the house-hold, paying bills, etc., mom would have to sleep with her jewelry and money in her bra to keep it from being stolen from the dad. OK now the smearing started after the first sister was born with trisamen 18.  After the bathroom incident mom went looking further through the 8 yr olds bedroom and found a pile of poop stashed behind her dresser, when asked if it was hers she denies it and it appears to be the family dog feces from the yard. it is multiple pieces of poop, and in a place that the dog couldn't be going to poop all the time to create this pile. It clearly has been brought in and intentionally stored by the daughter. She gives no reason why she is doing this, and it has happened a few times. in the past 2 1/2 years. On the first incident her mom told me that when she found poop smeared on the bedroom wall of the then 6-7 yr old daughter's room her daughter tried to tell her it was chocolate but mom could smell that it wasn't but her daughter was so adamant that it wasn't poop that her mom wanting her to admit that it was poop told her ok then if it is chocolate lick it. Mom said she had to stop her at the last second that she was going to lick it just to prove to her mom it wasn't poop, she was that defiant/ denying about it. The daughter is acting out in other ways now being sassy, lying a lot, and telling her mom NO to her face about doing things. Like she is pushing her mom because  she knows her mom won't spank her or when her mom puts her on restriction she will bug her mom to death until her mom gives in and she basically is off restriction. (mom does have a problem understanding what restriction is and how it is suppose to work. meaning like even if the trip to Disney land comes up during restriction the one on restriction doesn't get to go period! That's what teaches a kid that they need to be good all the time because they never know what good thing is coming that they want to be able to participate in. Restriction means you do not get to do what you are restricted from for the time of restriction because you were bad.) Anyway I told her it was an attention thing because she lost her moms attention because of the sisters or while mom was in the hospital during the special needs baby's birth someone watching the then 6 year old daughter while mom was in the hospital for days, may have molested her. That would put the poop incident time in respect to when it started happening making it appear that it is just an attention thing and probably now doesn't help the situation. so would I be completely wrong about this or is there something to stand behind with my thoughts on it?
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13167 tn?1327197724
Hmm.  I have several thoughts.

First,  I think this girl smearing poop is probably a pretty acceptable reaction to the hand she's been dealt in life.  Her mother has brought a drug user/jerk of a man into their home,  created two new babies with him,  and sits there and does nothing while the older one is rejected.

That would make a lot of kids want to smear poop.  And maybe on the mother's pillow.

So now thankfully the dad is in prison so the little girl has a little bit of breathing room and she's venting on the mom.  

Hopefully the dad will be in prison for a long time and it will give this girl a little bit of a break - maybe long enough for the mom to find another guy or better yet realize she should swear off men for awhile and focus on her kids.

So it's good that you're there to be a friend to her.

But I do have to say - taking a family vacation away from a child for an offense that put them on a normal "restriction" is heartless and unforgiving,  and will teach fear and distrust.  You really don't want a child to grow up thinking they can never make a mistake or test boundaries - that's how you get kids with anxiety disorders.

Sometimes,    flexibility and forgiveness is the best way to show the child the world is a wonderful place and your parents are on your team.
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13167 tn?1327197724
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