when is too much??

[joshjul]

my boyfriend lives with me and my two older children(16 and 20). his 11 year old daughter visits every single weekend. I never really minded too much ans in the begining (first 3 years) she was still young and I enjoyed doing kid oriented activities for her. I also knew my boyfirend didnt raise her and enjoyed the idea of having her for the first time in his life. BUT in recent months( she just turned 11 last week) she has not been very nice. she was always possessive of her father, which I understand, as I was a daddy's girl my whole life and an only child that was spiled by my dad. I am very nice to her, I have always given of myself in many ways with regards to her. I would take her places(without her father) like in to NYC to see the sights. I have always given her bday gifts and genreous on christmas as well. in teh summers when both of her parent work I have spent two week watching her full time so she didnt have to go to work with her mother(I do not work outside of my home). two scenarios that I didnt like and which are getting me to the point that I cant stand to have her here as aften. first  this past weekend. I got up and made chocolate chip pancakes and her father made eggs and french fries. her fatehr and I always tease eachother about our cooking skills(both of us insisting we are the better cook). we joke all the time. so she sits down and eats the pancakes(licked her plate clean) and tehn ate all teh eggs and the french fries as well. I was stuffed..she had to be. then my bf made another huge pancake for himself bc he doesnt like chocolate chip. he starts to eat it and comments how good HIS pancake is compared to mine(again jokingly) so his daugheter says "let me tase it daddy". and she looks over at me and glears at me..and rubs her stomach and says "mmmm teh best in teh world daddy".and literally looks at me as though knives wre shooting fromher eyes. then I say"oh you dotn like cocolate chip pancakes. she looks at me and "says NO". so I say"oh im sorry I thought you liked them . i sont make them for you anymore.  now. I know this may seem childish but this is just another layer of her rudeness to me. here is my question. Is it too much to ask my boyfriend that she comes every other weekend instead of every single weekend. I dont really think it is fair to me that when he works during the week that we dont have one weeknd to ourselves jsut us where he doesnt have to drive 1 hour to pick her up and one hour to take her home , which cuts into the weeknd in and of itself. I never really thought it was right from the begining but she wa little then and I really didnt mind it so much. but now that years have gone by(almost 4yrs) and she is obnoxious and rude to me for no reaason, when i have always been very nice to her, I would prefer her not come every weekend. isnt it usual that parent who see theri kids that they do not live with that htey see them alternate weekedns. why doesn her mother get to have every weekend to herself?? and Me, who has raised my children already has to be tied down withher?  would like opinions thanks

[AnnieBrooke]

This is one for you and your boyfriend, not you and the Internet.  Kids do get mouthy during adolescence, that would probably be true if she was his daughter or your daughter, and it doesn't help that he is living with you and not married to you, since she will see you as a temporary thing in his life and not a permanent fixture.  But the problem isn't her, it is that you are wanting a weekend off with just him and you, and he does not apparently see it like that.  So it's time for the two of you to talk, you saying what you want and need and him saying how he feels.  Don't arm yourself with stuff from people who don't have a dog in the hunt, like, "everyone I asked on the Internet says it should be alternate weekends only."  Because he doesn't have her during the week, you can't say what is normal.  Talk to him and if the two of you can't come to an agreement talk to a counselor with him.

[ROSYouralright]

You knew he had a daughter when you got with him and its a package deal. Maybe discuss your feelings with him about her behavior. I think its great that she gets to see her dad every weekend. That is alot more than alot of kids get...

[MarkLakewood3367]

It sounds like the reason why you would like your BF's oldest daughter to visit less is because of her behavior.  You detailed her behavior in your post but you didn't mention any discipline.  If you are or going to be her parental role model, you are going to have to be her disciplinarian.  Reducing her visits isn't a solution.  Kids misbehave.  Instead of giving her things, she should earn them based on good behavior.  It sounds as it you expect her to respect you if you are overly nice to her.  It doesn't work that way.  She will come to respect you once you choose to set limits for her.  There is no other way around this issue.

[joshjul]

I appreciate your input, and in response to your comments I will say that I am not her mother and it is not my responsiblility to discipline her. she has a mother. it is , however up to the father to discipline her and to teach her right from wrong. he always gets tough with her when she acts disrespectful to him but he also needs to teach her that I am a person  in her life that needs to be respected as well. IF I chose to be generous it is not to gain her approval of me. it is because I am a generous person. I am with my kids as well. and it is not his oldest daughter. he has two older children 21 and 23. this is his youngest daughter 11 years old. I might ad that it was never discussed with me about her coming and the frequency. I have been very nice and generous with my time not just giving her monetary things. I have taken her places and do things with her that her father does not and I did it willingly and happily. all I am saying is if im good enough to take her and do for her then im good enough to be respected. her father needs to bteach her that Im not just someone that is in the house but a perosn in her life that is important to him and that she needs to respect. I always taught my children you get respect when you give it and I have always been respectful toher and I appreciate the same in return. and yes I have had the talk with my bf (of 12 yrs I might ad) and he got defensive but he heard me and we will arrange for new rules in the household. thanks for your input

[ROSYouralright]

Well its good to hear that he will be stepping up with some new rules.

[joshjul]

I appreciate your input but I do not appreciate you telling me that this is not a conversation for me ande the internet but rather me and my "boyfriend". this is a site that is available to people who want to reach out to others to get advice and that is what I did. but I thank you nonetheless. by the way. I have to admit it is really ahrd for you to get the full picture of my situation just based on what I shared and wrote here, howver there is more to it that I didnt make clear. I will however share some of it even though it really isnt pertinant to my origion concern.
    I am with my bf 12 years. she has known me as someone in her fathers life for the past 6 years though. when my boyfriend came to live with me( 4 years ago, that is when she started to come into our home on a weekly basis.so I do not think she ssees me as a temporary person. He was never married to her mother and was never in her life for the first 3 years. in fact, when she turned 3 he moved out of ny, where she lived with her mother and moved to north carolina . I lived in ny as well and we maintained a lond distance relationship, even though I was not happy with his choice of moving. after 5 years of him being in NC I gave him the choice of terminating our relationship so I can move on to be with someone that can actually physically be with me or he can move back to NY to live with me and share out lives together. (there are personal reasons that we have not gotten married-not because we dont love eachother..it is other issues involved that are not related). he decided to come back to NY to share his life with me. It was the very first weekend that he moved in that he brought his daughter to the house and she has been coming every weekend since. I never really minded as I knew he lost out on a lot of time with her and also never was really able to raise his other two children that he had in his marriage with another woman that he was married to years ago.so bc I loved him and I am a mother myself, I wa happy to have this situation. all I am saying is that it wa snever discussed. and now I feel that I am being taken advantage of and disrespecte and not appreciated.I will also say that I have provided a lovely home for his daughter and have given her many opportunities that she would not normally have if he and I were not together. he did nopt come back to NY to be with her(which is sad and terrible) so now I dont appreciate that he acts as though he is this all high and might y father . I truely believe that he made som kind of an arrangement with th emother. I didnt say the history of the mother of his daughter. she has always wanted to be with my bf and resents me. I have been nothing but nice. she has tried to make my life miserable over the years but to no evail. I think but not sure, he ma have made an agreement with the mother that if he takes her every weekend to make up for the time lost she will allow him to take her to our hime. because in the begining she didnt wan her daughter in my home. so there is more thatn meets the eye in my story. and unfortunatly soem of it is pathetic but just thought id share more so that i dont look like the terrible selfish woman that wants my bf's time. becausae that is the last thing that I am.

[joshjul]

thank you for your support as well. I hope you are able to read the responses that I wrote to the other comments on this board. I wanted to also ad that after re-reading my origional comment, I may have come across like the selfish GF that wants her boyfriends time, but that cou;dnt be further from teh truth. ill share something else about myself to better give everyone a window into who I am as a person. I was married to the father of my children for a long time. he was my childhood sweetheazrt. we met when we were 16 and got married in our early 20's. we had a great life together and two great kids. but , like so many marriages, things changed. we both met other people and split. my ex husbands met a girl 20 years younger than himself and they have a 3 years old daughter now. me and his girlfriend have the best friendship. I am godmother to their daughter and love her like my won. she calls me auntie and sometimes even says mommie when she is tired and forgets because she feels so comfortavle with me and I babysit her all the  time, even over night so I can give them a break. my ex is 51 years old an it is hard on him to raise a 3 yr old. his girlfriend doesnt have any family her bc she is from Russian country of MOldova. no mther or father to turn to so I help when I can. We do weekly dinners together so that our children can bendfit form the "family experience and also so that we can maintain our friendhip(he is like a brother to me after all these years. I am an only child no siblings and lost my parents a few years ago so he is theonly family bdsides my kids and my bf that I have.eveyone praises us for our relationship. jsut shairng so that you see e for who I am and the heart that I have and how much I value family and children especially. My issues with my bf's daughter stems from things that I believe her mother puts in her head bc she doesnt like me and doesnt really accept our relatiosnship. I will aslo say that I am not the only perosn to get htese vibes from herl. there has not been one person that has come in to our home that has not observed her odd behavior and her rudeness.people always tell me: I dont know how you deal with her" but I respond"It is hard but I do it for my bf!  so there you have it in a nutshull. thanks for listening.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I'm concerned that you never had a conversation with the man you were going to live with in terms of how often his daughter would visit.  That's one of those 'need to know' type of things to communicate.  I wonder if you knew up front about the frequency and duration of visits how you would have responded.  Would you be in this position today?  

I personally had a difficult time dating men that had children.  It's really hard for complex reasons.  You have come upon some of them.  Of course it is very hard on a child to go back and forth between two parents and sometimes there is residual resentment that the parents allow to seep through to the kids.  I find it unfortunate that kids get caught in the middle of this.  I feel for them because honestly, many adults handle these situations badly, so to expect a preteen to handle a transition between homes in a perfect way is a lot to ask.  Her mom could be saying things to her.  Before you came along, there could be different standards that were expected verses now.  She may be having a hard time adjusting.  Her parents (and YOUR boyfriend) would be to blame if she didn't learn that you are polite to all adults.

but the truth is, some preteens and especially girls aren't always the most charming creatures.  They are often moody and brooding and inconsistent.  That really is not uncommon for that age.  And when you have to keep yourself together in the outside world, home is a place to let it hang out.  That includes her home with her dad.  While I do expect kids to be respectful . . . I know they fail at times when they are tired, overwhelmed with something, etc.  And home is where we ALL have our worst 'moments'.  I sure do.  I am much more likely to snap at my husband than I am a stranger.  So, I cut my kids some slack here and there and work on their behavior.  The problem is, you view her as someone from the outside world views her.  My kids can have a bad moment and they are still my darling cherubs.  We work on it and get over it.  For you, it is like "I just don't like this kid".  You had no foundation to weather what are traditionally tough years for many kids with a smile on your face but instead wish she just stayed away more.  

Does that make sense?  That is not a condemnation of you in any way.  I think it is totally natural and that is why I myself did not date men with kids.  I didn't want to put myself or them in that situation.  

Set your boundaries with her father.  Be friendly with her.  Find things to do when she is over that keep you occupied so you 'notice' her less.  good luck

[RockRose]

I think since your boyfriend is living with both of your kids full-time,  it seems like his daughter should be welcome on weekends.

I do think,  also,  that you and he have set up a competitive atmosphere that she has witnessed and she has chosen whose team she's on.

That you "always" tease each other about who is the better cook,  it seems very natural that she fell into that game too.