Some background first:
My daughter is 16 and just began dating an 18 yr boy, He lives 4 hours from us and is half black. I personally have no issues due to his race but my husband feels he is inadequate, He (bf) recently took time off school to excel in his sport. He is now taking correspondence courses to finish his high school but he is not working full time (though he does some work with his mom part time) and this bothers my husband a lot. To be honest (we have 3 girls), he would be disgruntled regardless of his age or race, he has 3 daughters and is the only male (except our dog) in this house. But I digress, she swears she is not sexually active but I dunno, she has two empty boxes of condoms stashed in her drawers and I have seen some text messages saying she was. She asked to go on the pill recently also (but got the script on her own before she started dating this boy) for heavy periods and acne (she says).
He has come to our house twice for a weekend, because we insisted we at least meet him before we even contemplated her going to his house. He seems like a good kid, though a tad immature for his age IMO. We know he is an occasional pot smoker (which we are not overly worried about per say) and apparently he does not drink. His mother is a single mom who has 4 boys from 3 fathers.
Now the dilemma, she wants to go spend a weekend with him at his house without us. Now firstly I don't know his mother, I know 'of' her only (though she is a friend on m facebook now). I don't know her raising strategies and if they jive with my own values. I don't want them to be unattended AT all, as I want to limit the alone time they get so my daughter holds onto whatever virginity she still has. And the biggest thing is that it is 4 hours away. If there are any issues I cannot go and fetch her easily and I cannot check on her or the family when she is there, due to the distance. My daughter is begging me almost daily to go and I feel so stressed about it all. I think I have valid reasons but it is not her fault that he is further either. I really think that if he was close I would allow it and have her come home in the evening but that is not the case.
And then lastly, if I say no, the boys mom and the boy ask me themselves also (like that would make a difference, it makes me feel pressured and I don't like that at all). Also, the husband is NOT on board so should I be defying him also if I said yes? She is a good kid and pretty mature but since she is taking all her spare time for him almost, it worries me she will get hurt emotionally by him. Even if she is mature she is still only just turned 16. Help!