Am I the evil step mother from the fairy tales

[Chan8705]

I have a 15 year old step-son. Like most typical teenagers he never listens. I've been in his life for 5 years and hes best friends with both my teenage nephews, ages 14 and 16, the 14 year old also lives with me because his parents are in a bad situation. Well both teen boys never listen bit my step son ignores everything whereas my nephew would at most need to be told 2 times to do something,  but at least he respects me. Usually when i ask my nephew to take out the trash,  he assumes some time that day,  so i just repeat myself. My step son would lock himself in his room after being told something and just ignores me. For instance,  he hadnt done his laundry in 3 weeks and continued to wear his dory laundry. I've spoken to him about good hygiene but he ignores me and hes constantly getting sick. I've discussed this with my husband and he said he's tired of repeating himself also. So he just doesn't deal. Im a registered Behavioral Technician so i deal with so many adults and children who're mentally disabled so I'm educated in regards to behavior. He lives with us half the week and i know his mother's home is difficult. He's currently 5'5" and 265Ibs. I don't know how to reach out to him,  i have no support from his dad and no say in his health. I've tried making only healthy meals,  which he doesn't like and would go down the street to his grandmother's house and eat there. We took him and my nephews to a small amusement park and he couldn't either fit or was too heavy for some,  it broke my heart. My husband and I have a 19month old son together which my step son adores, I'm greatful for this bit I'm afraid that my son will learn to disrespect me like his brother. My step sons mother is no help either. For instance,  i bought my step son a phone and was paying for it myself,  not his father because his father didn't think he needed one but it was so he could contact us. One day he told us a huge lie as a joke,  but it involved cops and everything. He cried and said he was lying cause he thought it would be funny. I took his phone away as part of his grounding. His mother called to yell at us about that and bought him a phone.
    I've sat him down with me and my husband to discuss everything. These discussions were about how he feels about us,  about his living arrangements between his parents and school. Apt his attitude towards us. He would then be good the next couple days then go back to his old ways.  It's been like this for 5 years and we've done so many different approaches. I need help.  

[mom__of__four]

I realize this is an older post, but it really sounds like this young man could use individual therapy, and you all could use family therapy in addition.  This could help in many ways.

[JacobDebo]

Try to make a better picture of yourself go out for ice cream or something do more with them. My suggestion

[RockRose]

He sounds depressed to me.  It's REALLY hard to go back and forth between two households every week - basically,  that begins to feel like homelessness.  I know we make our kids do it in our culture,  but when adults do it they complain that it's really horrible and mentally disruptive.  As a behavioral technician,  it seems you're focused on getting positive behaviors but maybe the key here is to heal him and not expect behavioral changes right away?  Your household seems a little unusual - it's kind of an every man for himself thing.  Everyone does their own laundry?  You and your husband don't share money,  you have yours and he has his and if he doesn't agree with a decision on spending it's fine because you'll just spend your own money on it?  It sounds like you're really trying to help him out but I think he's broken on the inside,  and trying to get normal behavior out of him might not be possible until the hurt is addressed.

[Chan8705]

I should also mention that he's spoken negatively about me on social media. His father let's him get away with things because he doesn't want to deal with his attitude. I've raised several nieces and nephews and have worked successfully with children in my job who've had such sad and horrible pasts and worse behavior to learn to grow and believe in themselves. I don't know what to do anymore and it's putting a strain on my relationship with my husband.