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Parenting Teens (12-17) Community
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Avatar universal

How to handle a 16 year old boy caught trying to look under Step Mom's covers?

Hello, my wife called me to express a deep concern and we are trying to see the best way to handle this. My wife was notified by her ex-husband that their 16 year old son was caught trying to look at his Step Mother while she slept. My stepson snuck into the room and was caught lifting the bedsheet to see his stepmother naked while she slept. She caught him and so did his Father. Unfortunately, his father tends to just flip out and not really say anything. I advised my wife the importance of addressing this now. I told her at 16 years old he knows right from wrong. We shouldn't shut down the fact that it is although unlikely to happen, still normal. I also advised her from my observations, he is always locked in the room and rarely comes out. I asked her once if she had checked a laptop he borrowed from a friend and she said no. My wife didn't want to invade his privacy. I told her, it is necessary to know where he is currently at in life if he refuses to communicate with her. Also, I told my wife she should tell her ex-husband, to tell his wife (The boys stepmom), she needs to address it also and not just push him off. Otherwise, it will be ackward pretty much forever. At the biological dads house, he is blocked from youtube and adult sites on his cell phone and computer. However, the biological Dad has just freaked out previously when he found out he was looking at porn, instead of addressing how it is normal and what are limits. I will be speaking with him, because although I am the Step Dad, because I chose my words and can talk instead of yelling and I have made him feel like he matters versus seeing him as a black sheep for being the quite child that is into gaming and anime... They agree I should. Is it right to say that I am on the right track about telling him his interest is normal, but that maybe some porn (due to his lack of fully understanding the sex world), may have guided him without him knowing down the wrong path. What I mean is how some porns are stories like The hot milf or step mom that the stepchild has sex with. We also can't ignore the fact they are not related and maybe he thinks it is normal? Advise please? Should he be put into counseling? Or simply taught what the consequences can be of a disrespect like this to his Step Mom, Women and or anyone in the world? Also, should he be bought a porn magazine since it is normal at his age and be taught what he can and cannot do? This way maybe if he is allowed to ocassionally masturbate he may have a release outlet to decrease his desire for sex? - Thank you from a Concerned Step Dad that knows the step child is smart and a great kid and may have just made that 1 mistake that sometimes teaches you going forward to not mess around with these things since they have serious consequences. P.S. They have friends that are cops, should they go to the extreme of having one come out and talk to him? Or will that be traumatizing? I don't want him to end up a troublesome young man.
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Avatar universal
Oh and nude photos of him have been caught being sent via his cell phone to a 18 year old. He was told they could not date or have any contact since she is older then him. However, this has not prevented them from talking via cell phone and all biological parents are aware. Does this create an issue since he has a potential sexual interest or desire, but he is being restricted due to the age difference? I mean regardless, I knew at his age, 18 or older could get me into trouble. I also knew at my age to chill out or I may get myself in some serious trouble like pregnancy, std's, even some type of legal problem. That is the reality of all the things that could happen. I know I cannot wait to talk to him so that he understands from my perspective the things that could go wrong. I will have some 1 on 1 time with him, but wanted to hear additional suggestions or perspectives to know if I am on the right track or the wrong one...
2 Comments
I think you are somewhat on the right track, to tell him that sexual desire is normal but that there are natural restraints (the "incest taboo") that must be respected.  Of course his stepmother is not his mother, but he has to treat her as within that category, and also has to treat any woman with whom he finds himself under the family roof as off limits sexually (unless of course she is his wife or girlfriend in a relationship beyond the age of consent).  In other words, he doesn't get to wander the halls and terrify sleeping women in the house by trying to look at their body when they are sleeping, that is just predatory and wrong.  And yes, even though he is not thinking of the law, it wouldn't hurt for you to tell him that doing that kind of thing not only has family consequences and moral consequences and reflects on what kind of a person he is, it also can have legal consequences.  If he was in a college dorm and wandered into a girl's room and tried to peek under the sheet and look at her body, he could get arrested.

He probably doesn't need to overtly be told he is "allowed" to masturbate since he probably already does masturbate, but if you are saying he cannot own any girly magazines or the punishments will be dire, that does seem somewhat like it will drive him to seek out Internet porn (and there are plenty of very inappropriate forms of porn that he can find in a heartbeat on the Internet.)  I guess what your message has to be is to blend the reality of the fact that sex is normal and all around us in this modern society, with the point that this doesn't mean we all get to act like lustful beasts with any human being around including relatives.  Good luck with finding the right balance.  There is such a thing as a "healthy sexuality."  Possibly there are some books written for young adults that you could find on Amazon about striking the balance as you mature and knowing what is appropriate and what is not.
If you do talk about legal issues, another thing he could be prosecuted for is harassing someone else by sending nude photos of himself to someone who does not want them.  
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