I've made a horrible mistake

[dragonfly14]

I have a 14 yo daughter.  I started spying on her internet  activity & came across an acct she has on Ask.fm.   For  those of you who aren't familiar, ask.fm is a site on which people can ask you questions anonomously and u answer them. Once u answer, the anonymous. question and your answer are posted on your account for all to see. The problem with that is because questioners are anonymous, lots of the bullying and insults can happen.
I noticed my daughter was getting some pretty cruel questions. For example, why are you so ugly? of course, as a parent I was crushed, which  brings me to my big mistake.
I started posting anonymous things to her like "ur pretty" . I even went so far as posing as a boy   at her school ,  telling her how much I like her, etc.
long story short. She found me out. I don't know what to do. She has not directly said anything to me. I don't think she knows for sure. But I do think she's pretty convinced. I really don't want to make a confession just in case there's any doubt in her mind.  but I'm sure she knows or at least thinks she does.
I feel like one of thoe crazy parents.  I also feel like the trust between us is gone. I'm sure she is humiliated.   Can i ever get her trust back?thoughts?

[1joeygirl74]

Well that’s a tough one. Other then the prying of the emails. I think and feel, from personal horrible experiences. If other then this you had a decent mother , daughter relationship, try taking her out to coffee or sign up for a fitness class to take together. Explain to her that you are sorry, and that you will give her more privacy. 14 is a rough time for us girls. Tell her how much you care and love her. Hopefully everything will work out in the end.  

[Jakerpies]

So this was posted a long time ago. Be honest. "I love you, I care about you, I know how terrible the internet can be, so I looked, and I saw, and so I did this so that you would feel better. Please forgive me." Then follow up with an open conversation about her feelings.

[Catchristo]

To be a responsible parent these days you HAVE to watch their activity on electronics closely, but you should never have lied and pretended to be someone else. You should come clean to your daughter and ask her to forgive you for being deceitful. I think it will bring you closer together in the end.

[Jakerpies]

I agree 100%!

[yeahidunnoeitherman]

Ok but, how dare you spy on your child like that. Seriously? You're supposed to be the adult here. You, a grown up, impersonated a peer and blatantly lied to your daughter. If anything, this could cause her more trauma than receiving those cruel comments.
At this point, you NEED to come clean and work on salvaging what trust is left. If I was your daughter, I would be completely crushed.

[Ana_Moonsong]

Yes I completely agree with this. I personally think that most of the responses are probably going to be written by parents who r being all sympathetic and stuff, but I am a 14 yr old and I would be devastated if my mum did something like that. It would DEFINITELY hurt more than those comments.

[Jakerpies]

Well, you are 14 and that is too bad. You are a child and a parent's job is to protect you. You aren't old enough to be interacting with people much older than you and you aren't old enough to interact with people your parents don't know. So, get over it.

[Jakerpies]

And to the self-righteous "how dare you spy on your child like that"? Stuff it. It's called supervision. What is supervision to you? Hmmm? His heart was in the right place when he made his comments. So, come down off of your high horse. Diaries are off limits. Social media? Nope.

[RoRoRed]

She deserves privacy. She is 16 and by now he should be confident that he’s thoroughly taught her how to stay away from predators. Especially for an opposite sex parent, this is crossing the line, unless you don’t think you’ve taught her how to use the internet while avoiding creepy strangers. If she were a boy, I bet half these parents wouldn’t be ok with a parent looking at his online pornography searches. Some things are just personal and part of growing up. The second a girl has the body of a woman she should not have her privacy encroached on like that- it borders on inappropriate. I wanted to be able to be open with my mom at that age but instead she decided to be judgemental to the point that I didn’t feel comfortable and instead of just asking me she decided to snoop.. made me feel encroached on and violated.. led to me acting out just to prove  my body was MINE... unfortunately at that age  and stage of development all the brain and body care about is establishing their own identity and autonomy. There is one exception to the snooping rule-  if she starts exhibiting odd behavior or seems like she may hurt herself by all means look or at least open up the lines of communication. It does seem as though you looked out of concern, though. Also, I think you may be paranoid— she may have no idea it’s you you sent the messages and it’s better she doesn’t think her own dad had to post out of pity, which is how I would’ve taken it at that age. Just don’t act suspicious!
Best of luck

[specialmom]

Great advice RoRoRed.  Thanks!

[LoloAmy81]

I think as any concerned parent, we think and react with our hearts andcwhem we see posts purposely designed to hurt your baby, your first reaction is to proect her the best way you think will help.
In these situations we almost always react and then think about the consequences later.
I would wait for your daughter to approach u about the situation first, unless u can tell that there has been a big change is your relationship, I would then ask her if she had anything she feels she needs to talk to u about ame reassure her that no matter what it is she can trust u to keep the matter between the two of u without any judgement and u love her unconditionally and all u want to do is protect her from the harsh world and to keep her save from people who say mean things only because they have low self esteem and they r jealous of her because she's so beautiful and smart and they wish they were more like her. . And if she does find out it was u pretending to b kids on social media it was because u want her self esteem to grow so she can grow up to be a strong powerful independent woman one day!!!  

[MrsJarvo]

Hi Karen,
know its a long time ago now, but did you ever find a cause or cure for the toe curling?
My daughter is a very similar age and has been struggling on and off with this for the past two years with it having got a lot worse in the past few months.
She gets really distressed about it and I'm fairly sure its brought on by stress as she's been really anxious and stressed for a while. Doctors think she might have Raynauds but we're not totally sure thats what it is.
Any thoughts greatly appreciated!
Jen

[gaytheist]

I dont mean to sound judgemental but this is really ****** up. You shouldnt be spying on your kid's internet activity in the first place unless they've really given you a reason not to trust them. Your child is a person not your property and deserves privacy. Foster trust between the two of you so that she'll tell you these things on her own instead of denying  her basic rights to space and privacy. And if you find that things like this are happening to her just try talking to her like a human being.  Youll have a much healthier relationship with more trust and communication and be better able to help her through problems if you treat her with honesty and respect (and no that is NOT the same thing as trying to be her friend or having no discipline)

[Jakerpies]

Uh no - not true at all. Parents have to do this. It isn't about not trusting the child, it's about possible predators. What he should do is tell her that he will be looking.

[Jakerpies]

Kids commit suicide over bullying. I applaud the father for looking. It's not the same as a diary. It's social interaction. In the real world, parents can meet the parents of the friends, can meet the friends personally. It is just a different world.

[Positive_Outcomes]

It will take time to gain trust back, but it will happen, though I believe you should confront the sitiuation as it appears to be causing you some anxiety.  If you can talk with your daughter and make her aware you were trying to do something positive for her, though she will not be happy for a while that you got involved. I think anticipation of a bad result is worse than the end result, which I believe you are going through now. Hope this helps,  it will be ok in the end.

[Cublvr81]

Your heart was in the right place. If you are positive that she knows it's you then definitely discuss it. My 16 year old and I have a great,open relationship. The reason for this is I have always been clear on our relationship boundaries. Mother/child. I let her know I will never be one of those friend mom's. Always being real with her and respecting her opinions on serious situation (to her or teenager in general) has made it easy for her to come to me when something is bothering her or she needs advice. I feel by being honest with her about your actions,and reasoning behind them will only show her how much you love her and want to protect her. While all of us experience some sort of bullying during our school years sometimes they can go way to far. By telling her you were concerned that these comments may be affecting her in a negative manner,and thought you were going to fix these possible insecurities with the opposite maybe she will open up and tell you what is going on. Let her know you are there for her no matter what and there is nothing she could ever say or do that would change the way you love her. Hopefully you'll find an understanding,and confused daughter that can now trust you with her most personal experiences so you no longer need to sneak around. Good luck!

[Marinjudy]

Here's the problem as I see it. She now thinks that you think she is not pretty enough or a lovable enough to actually get her own boyfriend and have people post that on their own. She thinks her own mother doesn't think she can get those comments in real life. That is the big problem that could last the rest of your life.  Honestly it could change the trajectory of her adulthood. It is so important to feel like you have unconditional love  from your parents and that they think of you as being out in the world as successful people even though that's only in middle or high school  This is why and I don't normally recommend I really think you need to go to counseling together with her and let her know why A mother would do that and hopefully she will understand that it was out of love not out of your viewing her as in capable of attracting that type of attention on her own. It is really important that she understand how and why you did it. I really think a third-party is the only way this is going to possibly happen. Good luck    

[Jakerpies]

I don't agree with your perspective at all. It's not going to last the rest of his life. That's a bit dramatic. I'm sure her father genuinely thinks that she is wonderful and that the comments were probably true. Either way, if they have open dialogue and he shows her his heart, all should be fine.

[Mistyaalto]

I don’t agree, she knows that her mom would do anything to protect her. That’s what we do. Im sure if her mom came clean and told her the truth and explained why, she would forgive. We make mistakes. We are only human.

[ljeannem]

I think hiding what you did adds to her disappointment in you - its another form of dishonesty - especially if she's figure out that you are in fact hiding from her.  I would come clean and tell her what you did.  I would explain that bullying and cruelty are rampant on the internet, and that no one should be subjected to such nastiness.  Explain to her that you were trying to protect her from this cruelty, but in retrospect, you regret that you violated her privacy.  You just want her to know that she is beautiful and lovable and in no way should she believe what she sees on the internet.  Hopefully she will respect you for your honesty about your "mistake" and you will have an opportunity to discuss the dangers of the internet.

[Mistyaalto]

Yes! I agree.

[dragonfly14]

thank you. No I just posed as an anonymous secret admirer. Nobody specific . but she figured out that it was me and I fear that the relationship is now ruined. She definitely does not think its sweet. But thank you for the suggestion :)

[RockRose]

Did you pose as a specific boy,  or just an anonymous boy with no real identity?  If you posed as one specific boy by name,  that was an enormous mistake.

If you just posed as a boy in general,  not so much danger of it being awful.

She may think it was sweet of you to do,  or she may not really know it was you.  Maybe she thinks it was one of her friends.

I'd still leave it alone.   Unless you posted as a specific boy and then you need to clear things up.

[dragonfly14]

But I think she already knows. Do u think I've ruined the relationship? Trust?

[Jakerpies]

Also - definitely not - parents are supposed to do this kind of thing. It's the way it works.

[Jareddanton]

My mom did a similiar thing when I was young on the internet, it might be weird but it shouldn’t ruin your relationship.

[RockRose]

I think you need to back out quietly.  "I'm sorry I led you on,  I have a girlfriend" type of thing.  

And then let it go.  Never ever say who you are.  

[Mistyaalto]

Honesty is the best policy.

[MarkLakewood3367]

You need to apologize to your daughter for your behavior, explain the extent of your behavior, and explain your concerns that led to your behavior.  

There is a fine line between keeping your daughter safe and invading her privacy.  It sounds like you did the latter.  If we raise our children correctly, we need to trust in their abilities to make the right choices.  We also need to trust in their abilities to resolve conflicts on their own.  If we attempt to resolve conflicts for our children, they will never learn how to resolve conflicts on their own.

[Mistyaalto]

Very good answer!