Parenting Teens (12-17) Community
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My 15 year old thinks she is a male.

My daughter came home from a two week vacation with friends and tells me she is a male.  I am finding it hard to believe.   I am so confused.  A few months ago she said the same thing then for her 15th birthday in May she begged me to take her to Victoria Secret to get fitted for a bra.  She threw a fit when I would let her get matching thongs (which I broke down and did).  She wore them nonstop because she said her breasts looked great in them.  Now she comes home and she only will wear the sports bra she owns because she hates her chest.

Two years ago her uncle commited suicide.  I see this as the event that started many things.  The following winter she started sleeping in and not wanting to wake up.  She would not go to therapy.  Then she hit 9th grade.  Within a week she comes home and tells me that she is lesbian.  Okay.  But a few months later she is dating boys, even having sex.  Okay so she says I'm not a lesbian, I'm bisexual.  Okay thats fine.  

In february of this year she and I get into a very bad fight and she tells me that she is going to commit suicide.  I won't let her leave the house because I don't want her to do something stupid.  Things seem to even out at this point.  Then in April she and I have a big fight over her wanting an 18 year old boy to move into my home so they can be togther.  NOPE, not happening.  After that she casually asks me what I would do if she were really a boy.  I told her she is too young to worry about it and she can figure that out later.  Nothing more is said.  She dates two more boys and sleeps with them.  

Her birthday comes and she begs for the bras.  Demands dresses and gets mad that I won't buy makeup or certain shoes.  Then she goes on this two week vacation and fights really bad with a friend.  The friend stayed in the vacation spot and my daughter came home.  They are no longer talking.  But as soon as this fight happens she is now a 'male.'

I see all this as her acting out not as her really being transgender.  What should I do?

The thing
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Avatar universal
Having so many sexual partners by age 15 is concerning, especially while she is so unsure of herself and her body. She could easily get pregnant or get a STD. I would focus right away on talking about safe sex and get her on birth control if she wants to continue having sex with boys. It could be she is -trying out- being a female by buying lingerie and dating boys to see if it is tolerable, but what she wants most of all is to be a boy. She may have been thinking of this for a long time. You dont seem receptive to her changing genders right now, so she may be making the most out of being female. If she still wants to be a boy, I would say you will honor this and use whatever pronoun she wants as long as she starts seeing a therapist right now. She definitely needs guidance. It is possible that she doesnt identify fully with either gender, but destructive behavior is my biggest concern. She may be putting the cart before the horse by deciding what gender she should date when she is most unsure of what gender she herself should be. I would tell her she should focus on herself and worry about who she is attracted to later. Not everyone will fit into a stereotypical box. Best of luck.
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