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Parenting Teens (12-17) Community
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Avatar universal

Where did my sweet boy go?

Its all such a struggle. My boy of 12 have hit puberty early. He's taller than me already and has size 13 feet. He's a child in a mans body.

We recently found out that he has been cutting himself and talking about committing suicide. We have taken him to the drs, but have to wait 16 weeks for a mental health appointment. In the meantime when things kick off at home I'm struggling to deal with him.

Problems between me and my husband are not helping matters. I believe we have a dysfunctional family. We do very little as a family. My husband comes home at 7 to 7.30 most nights, works saturdays then is busy with his side of the family on sundays. I tried very hard to get along with his parents but being english and them being muslims it became an endless struggle of put downs, criticism and general bullying. About 6 years ago i decided enough was enough and they are no longer a part of my life. However my husband struggles with this and we fight about it a lot, or it has massive knock on effects. As a result we are not happy, we do nothing as a family. I try to take the kids out but its hard all the time on my own. He's also very controlling so when he is around I have no say in what we do. So its a coffee out followed by being at home car cleaning then dvd, iPads etc. Its frustrating I want to get them out but my requests get ignored. We have been to marriage counselling but nothing has changed. I know this is the main cause of my sons issues. Plus puberty.

I have also caught my son watching gay pornography on a number of occasions. Its so difficult to be able to stop this through computers and phones. He has a smart phone which I didn't want him to have but my husband bought it for him anyway. he is on it all the time. I try to control it but its an ongoing battle and i wonder if this is also not helping with his mental state.

Yesterday I took the phone off him to give his brain a break. He got more and more agitated as the afternoon went on. Was pushing and shoving me, trying to intimidate me, was being reckless with my kitchen knife but not directly threatening however abusive and aggressive. Had to get my husband to come home from work. This is a last resort for me to phone him but it was all getting out of hand. He's screams and shouts and hyperventilates, smashes things around, slams doors etc. Then i get the 'i hate you' 'you are the worst mother in the world' 'i wish i didn't live here' 'if there were 100 of you, you would still be the worst parent in the world'. It goes on all the time.

What's frustrating is that to everyone else he is beautifully behaved, courteous, trustworthy, works hard at school etc etc etc. But at home its hell. I feel sorry for my daughter who is 8 and finds this all very upsetting.

No real question as such, maybe any thoughts, advice or tips. I just needed somewhere to vent because its all very hard right now x

4 Responses
13167 tn?1327197724
I think you're missing the elephant in the room,  Mum.

It sounds like your son is gay,  and he's struggling mightily to deal with his identity.  Gay teens are especially at risk for suicide,  cutting and depression.  

Avatar universal
Ok great help thanks! I'm fully aware of this. Thanks for your most helpful response!
13167 tn?1327197724
I'm sorry you're being sarcastic about it,  but honestly,  I don't think a lack of family outings is causing your son  distress.

I think your son is extremely vulnerable right now,  and needs probably constant round the clock suicide watch if it's become known he is considering suicide and he's cutting.

I don't think the fact that you don't get along with your inlaws and as a result you all don't do family fun outings is even on his radar screen.

I know you must be very afraid for him,  but I believe getting him into groups where he is fully accepted and supported is the way to go.

What's he good at?  Robotics?  Chess?  Hiking?  Find something that you can circle a group of friends around him and give him a passion in life.

Best wishes.
13167 tn?1327197724
And also,  you might want him to read Breahthrough by Jack Andraka.  It's a nonfiction book written by a young man who is a scientific genius and has worked on developing an early detection test for Pancreatic cancer,  among other things.

He's a highly likeable,  highly motivated young man who is gay and was teased mercilessly about it and struggled to find his identity and his confidence.  And those who helped him along the way to be himself.
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13167 tn?1327197724
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