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my son probably hates me

i hes 13. i had him at a very young age and had to send him to a different guardian. he never got to meet his father either and his guardians have abused him all his life but i couldnt do anything because i was living in a different country. we only reconnected a few years ago. now i have to live in the hospital because i have cancer. he lives two states away.
a few months ago i was okay. i was supportive and positive all the time, but after i had to move into the hospital, everythings gone to ****. our relationship has gone to ****. we fight every day. he says he wants to kill himself or wants me to kill him very often and i want to say something obviously but every time i try to convince him that everythings going to be okay he doesnt listen. and because of this i stay silent. and today he got mad at me because it sounded like i didnt care if he wanted to kill himself. obviously i do but im just that ******. i used to be good at supporting him.
i was also heavily emotionally abused for the first ten years of my life, and recently it just had to start messing with me again, as well as other things. i feel like im going insane and i always ruin everything and **** up everything and say the wrong thing. he isnt empathic so whenever i start venting he gets angry. i dont blame him though. i constantly talked about my problems to the point where it got to when he was talking about his problems then i would change the subject to me. and then he would get angry too because he thinks im self absorbed. i have no family or friends left so i have no one at all to talk to but i still punish myself for doing this. theres no reason for me to be so selfish.
he used to say he loved me before he went to bed. the past few days he hasnt. i think im incredibly abusive as im manipulative and narcissistic (i hate myself but i always feel the need to talk about myself only) and make him feel awful all the time. i used to say sorry so often that eventually he snapped and said i said it so often that he didnt believe that i was sorry. so now when i dont say sorry i feel abusive. and when he says hes sorry i feel like ive abused him. and yet he denies that im abusive. even though he most likely hates me at this point.
i dont understand why he hasnt left me yet. i dont understand why he still wants to talk to me. the only excuse he has is that "im his mother". it seems like loving me is a job to him. i dont want him to be around me anymore. i dont want him to live a life that i will destroy. no matter how much it hurts i just want him to leave me because thats whats best for him at this point. he is also in love with a girl that treats him better, actually makes him happy, is very positive, and isnt ******* abusive. im sure that he hates me after all i have done. but he only ever talks to me about his problems for some reason i dont understand. i dont know what to do or say anymore and i feel hopeless.
i just need some advice or something
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134578 tn?1693250592
If you are living in a hospital, how is it that he is with you?  Does he have any adult in his life who will care for him and not abuse him?  Is there a therapist in the hospital?  Can you talk to the therapist?
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13167 tn?1327194124
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