Avatar universal

one of my stepdaughters is out of control and having underage sex

In the last six months, my 14 year old step daughter has not wanted to come visit her father and I.  Each time she talks to anyone she gives a different reason as to why.  Her sister (12) is terribly upset because she does want to come visit.  It becomes an issue since the children live 8 hours away, and their mother will only let them come if both go.  During these times and conversations with the 14yo, she would say things like, she feels like me and my children are just replacements for her (totally not the case), along with other excuses, so my lizard law enforcement-picking up lies mind starts tingling and I do some searching, thinking there is likely a boy involved.  Their mom and step dad work odd hours and the girls are often left alone at home for hours in a city.

I got a phone call on my way home from work last night from my husband, he had just got off the phone with his ex-wife, this is the story I got:

Turns out the 14yo had/has (this part isn't clear atm) multiple boyfriends, and over this past Christmas break when she refused to come down to visit, it was so she could meet up with a boy.  The 12yo found out and it slipped when their mom was around, the 14yo lost it and started choking the 12yo.  The 12yo got away and called the police, the police showed up and said one of two things were going to happen.  The children will be taken from mom permanently or 14yo is sent to juvi if 12yo and other continue to feel unsafe.  After things calmed down mom made 14yo take pregnancy test, thankfully it was negative (there is a God!).  Mom tells my husband that he needs to come get his kids.

So...now it gets even stickier...
He and I have been on the outs since he's been unfaithful more than once, and I was stupid and listened to him each time.  Well now the more frustrated I get the more I think I cannot say I want to leave because of the cheating, that is done and passed.  We are having difficulties with the behavior of my 9yo from a previous relationship, and she and the 14yo butt heads something fierce.  With the situation being as volatile as it is with the 14yo and my 9yo hitting puberty and emotions going nuts, I am going to send her to grandma's for a couple weeks for some quality fun time, so I can get some kind a normalcy figured out.  Additionally, I am the only one who works, I work multiple jobs, I am frequently gone for at least 12hours a day and with an hour commute to my full time job the days get that much longer.  

I am so lost as to what to do it is not even funny, the minute I started talking about ideas on how to handle all four girls and the situation my husband got upset saying I wasn't listening to him when he said it was "his fault this happened with his baby."  Well it wasn't, them living 8hrs away and mom enabling the girls is what did it.  So...thoughts? What the heck am I supposed to do?  How the heck do I deal with this?  The 12yo and I have a fantastic relationship, but the 14yo has looked to me to be blamed for her mom and dad not getting back together (I came around long after they were done).  I can handle being blamed, that's painful but I can deal with it, what I am concerned about is how do I approach this situation.  Mom's answer is to send them away, and if we don't work she doesn't care.  Dad's knee jerk reaction is to get upset, then pretend we can just back up in time.  My reaction is, she's old enough to "do" it, she is old enough to learn about the good, the bad, and the ugly...emphasis on the bad and ugly when not an adult in a stable relationship.  Getting overly upset only makes things worse, but there needs to be a dialogue to ensure she feels she can talk to someone, preferably mom, dad, or me.  But mom is high strung, dad freaks out, and she thinks talking to me is a betrayal to her mom.  Ugh WHAT DO I DO?
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Avatar universal
Sounds like she must not get a lot of quality attention from her Dad. Am I right? What happened in that relationship? How did her parents break up? How was she told? How old was she when it happened?
Helpful - 0
I agree that the daughter is in crisis and a full parental change would probably help her as in her dad totally focusing on her.  Hopefully it isn't too late.  How old were you when your parents split up?  It's hard, isn't it?
I was 9. My mother wasn't there when the news was broken to me. I was immediately panicked. I cried for 2 hours into the carpet. I lived with my dad and my sister and had to travel back and forth throughout the week to see her. She had a husband straight away (why she left my dad). The way I was told, without her there, sent me into a complete panic. As a result of this trauma, I developed a few different mental and emotional disorders. I have been in therapy for 2 years and at 40 I am finally understanding that there is nothing wrong with me. I didn't cause the breakup. And not everyone isn't there for you when a hard time is about to come. But no one was there to comfort me. And I didn't have the skills to comfort myself. Parents need to wake up to what their job really is. How do people define parenting, I wonder? Love isn't just a feeling, it is an action. The point is people need to empower their children. This is through education. And if they don't have the knowledge themselves, if they don't feel completely healthy in their own skin, then they must prioritize this so that they can raise a stable human being.
973741 tn?1342342773
Argh, sorry for the late reply to this really hard situation. What has happened since you wrote to us?  I personally think it is unwise to bring a child that has to leave her home because she was violent and out of control, tried choking a sibling to another house with kids.  I love kids and feel for this 14 year old!  She likely has some issues and even 'daddy' issues.  They can show themselves by this type of acting out.  That the mom wants girls to be 'package deal' is strange. But I'd think that the 14 year old needs to see a therapist.  Does she go under lock down?  Ya, that's what I do.  I have a 15 year old and 14 year old, both boys.  I control their life basically. They aren't adults on their own, I pay for everything so some things are MY way.  I manage a phone account that they are under.  They understand that I can look at their phones or ipads or computers if I so choose.  They have to get good grades or they lose the ability to do the 'fun' things they want. And good grades do not have to be A's. Just that they are giving full effort.  I am very firm and stick to this.  My kids adapt.  Your issue is going to be that she has a mom who sounds to be a bit out to lunch and she will not welcome this kind of attention from YOU or her dad.

That you are on the outs with her dad when this is happening doesn't help.  Keeping relationships together is hard when kids from a prior relationship are involved.  Your number one responsibility is your birth children. If your 9 year old has a major issue with this living arrangement, I'd separate for now.  I'd be that drastic about it for the peacefulness of my own child.  

I'm not sure what to tell you.  How is it going now and we'll go from there.  I'm here to listen and WiLL check back to do so.
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