895246 tn?1241653093

My four year old son was molesting my friend 3 year old girl

My friend and I went outside to put car seats in her car for two minutes.  In that time my four year old son lead her girl up stairs into a bedroom, pulled her underwear off and I found him performing oral sex on her!!!  I am beyond devistated.  I know he has not seen anything like that at home and when I reported to DCF they told me that this was all normal behavior and I should not be worried.  Two other clinical therapists have told me the same thing.  I don't feel as if this is normal and I pulled him out of his school as this is where he said he saw it.  Is this normal?  Did I do the right thing with pulling him out of the school.  I feel like I don't know how to keep him safe from himself and others.
11 Responses
Avatar universal
Oh wow! I don't know exactly how you feel but I have caught my 4 year old daughter putting stuffed animals between her legs and making their mouths go up and down and she has not seen this at home either. I just explain to her that is not a good thing to do and she shouldn't do it. But it is true, it is normal.
303824 tn?1294871401
I have had problems with my stepson inappropriately touching all 3 of my kids, and I know exactly how you feel! I have read more and more posts of this exact type of situation and for the longest, I thought I was alone. It does NOT seem normal to me at all, but then again I feel my children, my angels, have been violated and to me, there is no excuse no matter the age! It isn't acceptable for an older person to do it! Of course I understand the difference but it still just doesn't seem like it should be considered "normal" IMO.

What I did when I caught my stepson- I had a LONG talk with him and asked him all kinds of questions. He came to live with us 2 years ago, and there is no telling what goes on at his mother's house, so I had to ask if his mother or any of her friends has ever touched him. His answer was "No." I went down the list of everyone around us, and his answer was still "No." I asked about television, school, friends, you name it, and still got the same answer. I have caught him touching himself in the bathtub before, so I came to the conclusion that he was curious about how it made others feel since he himself had learned that he obviously liked it (ewwwww just typing that gave me the creeps!).

Some kids learn about their bodies quicker than others and decide to "share" what they know. Unfortunately, they don't understand and it makes us parents freak out!
895246 tn?1241653093
It just makes me feel so helpless.  And no matter how many people tell me its normal I just can't seem believe it.  Its a sexual act, and yes I know its not sexual for him.  I know kids like to taste things but he had is head down and her lying in the right position.  The school said it was not there but I swear it was.  The problem is my child is unusually intelligent.  I know mothers say that, but his intelligence is not around school but streets.  He will be the perfect criminal because that is his natural talent, and yes I know that sounds bad.  He is a ring leader at school.  He organizes and manipulates kids to do as he pleases.  He is also a straight face liar which makes it more difficult because, I don't ever believe anything he says but I have to believe this because its just to real.  His therapist said to just keep repeating he is the boss of his body and others are the boss of their bodies.  I don't know.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  Atleast I am not alone and its good to see other moms out there that are doing the right things by their kids.
I feel extremely judged by the people at his school as it has the wealthy parents in the area and I am the single mom who works a good job but struggles because I am a single mom.  We all pay the same amount so they should not judge me but they all do.  The women from the family center the works with the kids at the school told me today that she did not believe me.  I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her... why would I make this up?  And why would I call DCF on my child if it wasn't real.  I have better ways of getting attention than get my child labeled anymore than they have labeled him.  Frustrating.
303824 tn?1294871401
OMG my stepson is the exact same (intelligence wise). I have always said he is either going to have a girl knocked up, or in jail by the time he's 14. He's very deceitful and is a really good liar for someone his age. I can certainly understand your frustration. I think you did the right thing by your son. You have taken control of the situation and it really upsets me (and I bet you too)  that  the people you are seeking help from are passing judgment and basically calling you the liar! WTH is wrong with people these days!!! Have you considered taking him out of that school and changing? I know if I were giving a school my hard earned money, and they treated me the way they did you, I'd hit them where it hurts...their money belt! But more importantly, they should NOT ignore something this serious, and should be working WITH you to get your son help. Let me know what you come up with!
895246 tn?1241653093
My fears exactly, or he will be a hardcore drug addict at his bottom and dead by 18. My son had a sever brain injury at 11 months by a dog bite to his sensory side of his head. When they tried sedating him as an infant they put enough meds in him to knock out a small adult and he did not fall asleep but got really high, eyes glazed over and laughed at everything, pointing at the lights in the machine going around and around.  Kinda hits home that addiction truly is a genetic disease.  He did not sense pain for a full year and a half.  He never learned those boundaries and when I would tell him that will hurt if this or that happens and it never did he stopped listening at a young age.  Because of that it goes along with emotional development so he appears to have  a lack of empathy because he just does not understand what he is feeling.  So I hear you loud and clear about the worrying for the future.  Makes all this worse in some ways too I feel.  He is getting a full neuro/psych exam now at my request with his pediatrician to just have everything out on the table with what is really going on in his head.

I pulled  him out of the school on Monday.  A women from the state who coordinates assistance with kids and the school called me that day after I pulled him.  I told her what was going on and get this... she told me she did not believe it.  She says he did not learn that at school.  I wanted to strangle her through the phone.  It took all I could to not cuz her out.  She then went on to tell me that in her 20+ years of working with young kids my son is the "most" intelligent (how much steam is she trying to blow up my ***.. so I don't report the school for lack of supervision?)  child she has every worked with but because he is so smart he will always find a way to do and get what he wants.  She then went on to tell me that my child will do drugs and get introuble with the law, ect so I need to keep him in that school for his social interactions and emotional growth or I am basically garenteeing to set my kid up for failure.  Yup... I am so frustrated.  He is definitely not going back there.  I just live in the middle of now where Vermont so its hard to find a good place to send him and this was suppose to be one of the top centers in the whole state.  Well isn't that a lie.

You must know how I feel when other parents are always saying there kids are smart but they dont actually understand what a real smart child is at this age.  It is not learning numbers and letters, reading and writing.  Intelligence is really how early a child learns how to lie and manipulate.  The earlier they do that the smarter the child is suppose to be and when my son started talking the dog was the scape goat at 12 months in full sentences and would stick to that story no matter how many times I asked him.  I was not 3 word partial sentences but real full sentences, and it has never changed.  On the plus he is energized and has an amazing personality that most kids don't have I feel.  I am just glad your boy lives so far away because they would be dangerous together:)  

If you ever want to let me know funny naught stories your son does please let me know.  Its good to hear other kids are not cookie cutters... they are boring.  Our are special they just need a good harnes to keep them by our sides until they are 40.  
Avatar universal
Your son is exhibitting very normal behavior for his age. The best thing I would suggest to do would be to explain to him that his private parts are for him only. As well as everyone elses private parts are theirs only. I have 5 children myself, and am just starting to go through this with the youngest, who is 3. At first, I totally flipped. Didn't know what to do or say. I was embarrassed, no mortified!!! But I don't want to give my children the wrong idea, like their bodies are bad or their new feelings are wrong. They just know that they can't touch anyone else, and they can't touch themselves in front of anyone, because it makes other people uncomfortable. I hope that this gives you better peace of mind.
535822 tn?1443976780
I very much doubt that it would be considered okay as he gets older to take another persons child somewhere and try to emulate a sex act,if he does not realise he shouldnt do it, he will continue to behave like this then he will be in trouble, I doubt the friend was amused so I think he definatlyget a strong talking to and not told it is "Normal' Nothing to do with his body it was another child...
Avatar universal
it isn't ok for one kid to touch another, especially if there is a difference in age, size, gender, or enjoyment. kids will naturally explore sexually and so much of this is "normal". But when they doing this knowingly in private then my guess is that one of these four are compromised, and then it ceases to be "normal" and the other child is at risk.

a five year old male friend of our four year old daughter was inappropriately touched by his 13 year old cousin. This has induced much inappropriate play between the boy and my daughter. Because my daughter was already on the high end of sensory seeking this has set off a disturbing set of behaviours on her part. We have had to limit contact between the children and address the issue head on with the boy's parents as well as their teacher. We are lucky to be in a supportive community where we can openly have these conversations without distancing or blaming anyone.

our daughter is aggressive, screaches, hits, is bossy, and a number of other difficult behaviors. On the other hand, she is generous and thoughtful, has a heart of gold and a zest for life that is incredibly enriching. life is harder and more fun than ever, but we are constantly on the lookout for ways to help her moderate her aggressiveness.
603946 tn?1333941839
you are right to be concerned- you told him to stop the behavior- did he stop?
If he did stop- it's over maybe. He can start to learn even at this age some things feel good to us or others but we can control our actions because
however you want to explain it- boils down to obeying you. A child's conscience is not fully formed at this age. If he were age 8 it would be different. Something similar happened to my boy before age 5 and it was at the sitter's. It was all forgotten by the next week. The boy that did it to him was counseled and never did it again. It's sexual exploration. Not acceptable but like the professionals say- common.

pulling him from school was very possibly an overreaction-
3 people/adults told you not to worry- about the one act- worry if he is told to stop and does not. my 2 cents.
535822 tn?1443976780
Whilst I think that this behavior is pretty normal it is still good he has realised he cannot do it to other children, ,I am sure the talk you gave him has helped, let it go now, be aware when he is with other children,as he didnt do this at school you didnt need to take him from his school,can you get him reinstated.
535822 tn?1443976780
PS It may also be good to find out if he has seen anything on oral sex say on a PC or a magazine as that is a bit more unusual for a small child ..
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