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A Nuclear Family in Crisis/Won't go to counseling

I am 62 years old & an only child. Growing up I had 22 cousins & loving grandparents close by. I was able to spend some time with them but there is no sub for siblings. I married at 25 to a 30 year old that my parents kept calling "St. George" because they were so grateful that they would not have to support me anymore. When I married I was in FL but George was from TX & that's where the job was so our honeymoon was Disneyworld & NO on the way to TX. My family stayed behind in FL & George was also an only child so I was basically the daughter they never had. It all seemed ideal. Then we had trouble conceiving. I know why now. Anyway, after 8 years & I was now nearly 40 we finally found out Y & got George his surgery. We had 2 boys right off, 2 years apart. When the eldest was in 2nd grade is when the smacks & punches began. The abuser was the eldest boy. The odd part was that these incidents only occured when George was out with him & they arrived home as if things had been said about me. The battery was mostly towards me (his own mom) but in my absence anyone would do including George or the baby (his baby brother) & yes it started while the baby was newborn. I had to be willing to stay in the line of the smacks or the baby would be used in place of me because of the control it had to put me back in the ring. If it was George I would let him field his own. Obviously we sought counseling (which by the way is a waste of time & money) unless you go all the way up the food chain to psychiatrist, if the family is at this much risk skip even the psychologists & go straight to the ones with a script pad. Anyway, after about 5-10 counselors that were barely old enuf for a dr. license had been attempted we finally got 1 that referred us to a psychologist & during the very 1st appt. we were referred to a child psychiatrist. This whole process took more than 6 months maybe a year & of course in between there were many more head smacks to me while being a stay at home mom.
Now that psychiatrist demanded that all 4 come in at once into her office. It was hard to get the kindergartener there as if he could add anything? But anyway, she asked a few questions & hit the nail on the head. My eldest had OCD & opp. d d or something & it had gone too far to be able to b helped overnight. For the younger one's safety & mine she gave him 2 scripts. 1 was an antidepressant & 1 was something else. Then she started counseling the hitter. It got better. But then she went thru a divorce where she lost her license in the divorce cause of her ex. Then the hitting came back w/o her or anyone else that had B's number or able to treat him prop. I prayed with tears nightly to be taken in my sleep so I wouldn't be hit again. But God did not answer my prayers &
the hitting continued. Finally, I threatened to take the baby while he was at work & I promised that he would never find us.  Either of us unless he moved out with the eldest to save us & maybe he could handle him.  Otherwise I wanted B gone to live elsewhere so I could raise the youngest. He went out & rented a nearby apt. Of course
B didn't improve & started failing school so he was sent to mil. academy & my hus. tried to move back to ruin the younger one & I wouldn't let him. He had not helped or coop. in keeping b from hitting. In fact he taught him to lie about the hitting. Now, 13 years later the hitter has a healthy, happy marriage with a wonderful girl. She & I love each other. B is my main confidant. We share a normal mom-son relationship. The baby of the family grad.
at the top of his class in the US in math, slightly above av. in other subjects. Got a job in a semi-conductor
co. as an intern as a jun in HS, still works there full time with a good salary & perks 2 years after getting his 4 yr college deg. but now guess which one is abusive. The baby that was saved from phys. harm & raised by a single mom, with an absentee dad, found a lovely girl who was looking for a paycheck in her age group (even though she had a 4 yr. degree in acct. herself. Now I am not allowed at the wedding.  Only the ex-husband that taught the hitter to hit me & the hitter himself are welcome at the wedding. I routinely receive insulting & verbally abusive
emails from the younger one who never touched a hair on my head & was the most obedient most respectful, best mannered child in the world.  My mother just died on July 27, 2013 in a nursing home in DFW while I had escaped to FL at Memorial Day time because of my father's behaviors in his nursing home. And the insults & omission from my own son's wedding still keep coming.  I basically have to admit that everything I have ever said or done was wrong from the time he was born or I don't get to see him marry & have to have my ex & older son get to be there.

Now in the wake of hurtful emails during my mourning for my mom I have suggested family counseling where George, both sons & myself go.  I have offered to line it up & schedule it & pay for it.  No takers yet.  Any thoughts out there. This son marrying was an angel.  The kind of child people pray for & the emotional bond he & I shared when he lived with me was impenetratable (spelling).  I am losing the 2 main people in my life at the same time that were the only ones who ever really loved me unconditionally.
5 Responses
1699033 tn?1514113133
Has your younger son now blamed you for his dad and brother not being there while he was growing up? Is he being "poisoned" by his brother and father by them saying negative things about you? What does he want you to admit you did wrong? Sorry for the questions.

Avatar universal
The brother is not doing anything as he is a good friend.  The father is possible as he was always doing things behind my back. I had an interesting call the other day I made to my mother-in-law to see how she was. She asked me about the wedding. She was not aware I was uninvited. I informed her of this & she actually laughed. I found it telling that my ex-husband had not informed his own mom that the son was excluding me. Had he not been a party to excluding me it would have come out when he spoke with her.  she is 100, in an ALF & he talks to her daily & visits every week.  He is also an only child so I feel sure he would have been unable to keep the exclusion of me from the wedding to himself unless he was to blame.  Still the marrying son is a man living on his own & the only way my ex could get away with this would be through time & maybe some negative dialogue about me but you would think a 25 year old could be more tuned into his own memories of me.  Still I haven't even been able to refrain from sharing this about the wedding to others. He would have mentioned it to his mom unless he felt partly to blame or wanting her not to be displeased with him.
Avatar universal
It could also be the fiance doing the poisoning or her family.  I really don't know that much about them.  Still most sons would put their foot down & say I won't marry unless both mom & dad can be there.  It is a mystery. I still am not included in the wedding however my son has said he might go to counseling.  I highly doubt I will be successful in getting him actually there & apart from the girl for a minute so we can really work on him & I. If she is there I will not feel as easy to open up & it won't be as effective.
Avatar universal
What has been ineffective is all these 1 on 1 conversations between 2 members of the family w/o the others in the conversation.  This is why I hope to get all 4 there in the room at once similar to how the psychiatrist had it when they were younger.  The interesting thing is that the younger one has replied saying that the counseling is a good idea but that maybe it would be best to start with just him & I & then see if the counselor asks us to bring any of the other members later.  I find that interesting as well. In my experience the counselor is less equipped to help when there are people missing as they could be the main source of the problems.  It seems better to start together so everyone is on the same page & then see which ones she would like to have come back.  Maybe after that it would just be the 2 of us but at first at least have her meet all characters.  What is your opinion?
1699033 tn?1514113133
There is obviously a disconnect for whatever reason and I know you would like everyone in the family to go to counseling together but you may have to take baby steps and go initially with the son who is willing and move on from there. I'm sure your son as well as you have a wealth of information to share that the doctor will be able to build on.
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