Inappropriate behaviour between siblings

[BonnyA]

Hi everyone. I just got the shock of my life. I have three big kids aged 18, 21 & 23, the middle one is my daughter and the eldest is actually my husband's son, so her half brother. They all grew up close. Eldest has always been different and difficult, struggles with depression, dropped out of studies, never had a girlfriend before. He is about to turn 24 and we still help all 3 financially. Anyway a few weeks ago all crashed at our house after watching movies late instead of going to their share houses and college dorms. In the morning I realised the 21 year old and 24 year old slept together in spare room. My daughter seemed very subdued and told me she had a bad night and couldn't sleep. Now today she told me her brother was masturbating in the bed half the night. She didn't know what to do, couldn't figure out if he was awake or asleep, she cried and got up, switched on a lamp, made a noise, etc but it continued for hours. She slept about 45 minutes and then in the morning went to work with no sleep. She also said he slep at her house last week and borrowed some track pants from her to sleep in (although he knew he was going to sleep over he didn't bring his own). In the morning he handed them to her full of ehaculate and said he had an 'accident' in the night. His younger brother (18) was also sleeping there on the same bed. My daughter was furious and she told him to take them to the washing machine and if it ever happened again he would not be sleeping over again. I can't understand it. She is very upset but willing to forgive this behaviour. I mysef have washed his soaked bedding often but he moved out at 18 so I thought maybe a teenage thing he would outgrow. He is my step son. I am angry my daughter was exposed to this in my home. Does anyone have ANY suggestions? I'm thinking of trying to se a counsellor. By the way the 24 year old is always depressed and hinting at dark thoughts of suicide but won't take his meds. I'm so so tired of him.

[AnnieBrooke]

What does your husband say about all of this?  If your stepson has mental issues, what has been done for him?  

[BonnyA]

Hi Annie and thanks for the reply. My husband has been away on business and I only found all this out yesterday. I didn't want to tell him over Skype but he'll be home by tomorrow and then I plan on telling him. I did get permission from my daughter because I didn't want to break her confidentiality but she said ok. I have no idea what DH will say but he's going to be upset. Btw I also have an issue with stepson often slightly rubbing 'down there' when he's with us/in shops etc and I've noticed people noticing it. It's like he tries to scratch an itch but quickly. I've been asking my DH to speak to him on that for months but he appears too embarrased. Not sure if it's a nervous thing or physical itch but he is definitely still a virgin, so not an std??! We all walk on eggshells around him & nobody wants to criticise him (that's how he will see it) because he appears fragile/on edge always.

As for helping him, we have tried. Including begging him to keep appointments with the college counsellor, taking him to the GP and even one night to the hospital ER. He doesn't believe in medication and keeps stopping and starting his antidepressants. Problem is due to his age docs won't talk to us and we can't force him.

He relies very heavily on my DH alwas calling him into 'meetings' where he says its important then complains that he's useless, doesn't have a GF, making no life progress.

He also relies heavily on his sister, constantly texting her rubbish, blaming her for not understanding, sending her links on depression.

She has told her BF about this (she was very upset) and now he is furious too.

[AnnieBrooke]

If he was a lot younger, I'd point out the literature on sensory kids who self-soothe by touching themselves a lot.  Maybe still it would help.  Google "sensory processing disorder."  It's quite possible that a counselor good with sensory kids would be able to help you a lot.  Certainly your husband yelling at him and calling him rubbish and all is not the right tack.

[BonnyA]

Thanks Annie I will look it up. It sounds like it might have relevance. If anything my husband is too soft on him, he always over-compensated because he & the mother split up when he was a baby and my DH carried a lot of guilt. I've made an appt. for a family counsellor but can only get in next week, I think we need help as we are getting nowhere alone. It will just be me & DH and I will ask the counsellor what he thinks! Thanks again.

[AnnieBrooke]

Good luck to you.  Tell your daughter that you will be sure she is not subjected to this kind of thing again, and have your husband tell her the same.  He should not be near her at night, not because he is any kind of threat to her but because he is acting so socially unacceptable.  My guess would be out-of-control compulsions and mental/medical issues, not him being inappropriate on purpose.  

[BonnyA]

Thank you Annie. We have managed to get an appointment with a family counsellor today. I will be asking him for some guidance! I suspect Sexomnia from my online research, which is a worry given his age :(

[courtesy101]

Hi Bonny, You should maybe find him a nice girlfriend, also Maybe play some Ed Sheeran songs for him. If your daughter is good looking what He did is pretty common except for maybe a ten year old. I'm 23 and I would never do anything like that at this age, I usually go out to have some drinks and talk to people. That's where I usually make friends and meet girls. I'm sorry for what your dealing with hopefully He grows out of it.

[BonnyA]

@courtesy thanks for your reply. I also hope he grows out of it. We are all seeing a family counsellor now so I hope it's in the past. He mainly calls my son in alone and we wait outside so I'm not 100% sure but things seem
a bit better now. Btw he has never had a girlfriend before.