my 9 year old son has tantrums

[mac1963]

I have two boys, one is 5 and the other is 9, my 9 year old in my opinion, has never accepted his younger brother because for 5 years now, the age of our second boy, my older son has been difficult to deal with, he argues over everything, ie what to eat, when to eat, having company over, the amout of chocolate chips on his cookies, you name it and there is a problem. One day we were in a mall and the plan was to go to 3 specific stores, but as we walked in, something caught my eye in a window so I stopped to look and the problems began, he became hysterical because the plan was changed and not what we set out to do, he called my wife and I liars and screamed in the mall uncontrollably. Of course we left the store and went home embarrassed. These are just a few examples, the list of his behavior problems is constant from the minute he wakes up to the moment of bedtime. He seems to have an addictive personality because he just can't watch a TV program and enjoy it, he has to become it and it's quite frightening because I feel it's one thing to be entertained and quite another to become characters on the show! As a sidebar, we caught him wearing my wife's shoes and other abnormalities and when questioned, of course he freaks out. Now, in school he has straight A's and his classmates love him, but at home we are being held captive by his nasty disposition. We are a caring middle class family, I work and my wife stays at home which is rare these days so we are a stable family but are at the end of our rope with my first born. Any advice?

[Suzanne39]

Thanks for listening too, and hope all goes well!!!

[mac1963]

That sounds like a step in the right direction, it's funny how kids are, if I change the tone of my voice to my 5 year old, he listens and he does what I asked him to do, my problem child ignores my voice no matter what it sounds like. They may be brothers but complete opposites. Thanks for listening!

[Suzanne39]

I told my son last night he's banned from watching ICarly.. he said it was one of his favorite shows, but didn't argue.
He raised his voice a little bit to me about something else, and I had to get very firm with him..  but after that he was perfect. He knows I am boss now..so he's being very good... I made him do some chores, took away most of his comp time, and made his bed time earlier.
I told him if he doesn't behave it will be worse.

I think spending some good quality time with them and having some fun will help.. but still let them know you are boss and correct them on any behavior problems instantly.

[mac1963]

I think we need to be mentally tougher than our kids. We actually blocked the cable channels that show those teen shows and believe me, he went nuts and the meltdown was a horror, I was shocked the neighbors didn't call the police because it sounded like we were abusing him which of course couldn't be further from the truth. So has it helped, very little, at least he's not acting girlish because those shows seem girl themed and that concerned me a great deal. He is still nasty and challenging my authority so there is still work to be done. The danger in being tough at home is that he will be attracked to bad kids becaus ethey will provide fun for him and with house rules, we clearly are no fun to him. Of course we provide him with a well rounded life, we go places and visit frinds and family but that isn't enough I suppose. I fear his teen years so trying hard now at 9 seems to be very important.

[Suzanne39]

You are right. I especially say that..now that I see how fast things can change.. and it happens so quickly.  
I never thought my son would try to gain authority like that.. but what scared me most was the change.. I started thinking of the bad kids who go around killing animals..maybe that was a bit extreme on my part, but that's how shocking it was to me. I don't know how to deal with this.. it's like a UFO came stole my son, and left me a bad cloned version of him.
I am feeling badly for being so cold with him now. but if I give in now, I am thinking he will see that as a sign of weakness.
He even asked "why aren't you laughing"..because we've always joked around, and laugh about everything.

But maybe that's where I messed up. I need to show more seriousness and show my authority.

[mac1963]

I have to thank you as well, this is a very difficult situation to discuss sometimes, so it's helpful to hear other perspectives. I'd say try the sports, it does let them get rid of some energy in a good way. My son does baseball and basketball and by no means is he a superstar athlete, he does compete and has some fun. I notice that he does listen to teachers and coaches but for some reason, if I say something he challenges my authority. You said something interesting about having a new outlook on your parenting, I say that because I am one of the few parents along with my wife that are parents to our children and not friends to our children. I'm sick of some of the other parents who try to be friends to their kids to the point they share coffee with them. I'm sorry I'm not giving my 9 year old Starbucks just so he likes me. I rather he respect me than like me. That sounds old school but I think I will do him more harm being his friend, he needs parents. Am I wrong??

[Suzanne39]

Wow you are so right. My son watches ICarly and other Disney shows. My husband even commented about the parents..and how dumb they made them appear.
thanks for pointing that out.

Well last night changed every thing. When I saw his attitude change.. like he was another person.. that shocked me. He is the best kid, sweet as can be, but his really changed my whole outlook on how I should be as a parent.  I think I failed him somehow but now this will let me gain some control over the whole situation.


Im really scared for the future .. I always thought I would have the perfect son.
He's made A honor roll his entire life.. but lately he's saying he doesn't like school. I really think he doesn't like anyone telling him what to do. He definitely doesn't like losing in games..so sports might not be good for him..or would it.. not sure.

Thanks for listening. I think it helps to talk to someone.

[mac1963]

Thanks for your comment. One day I thought if you can't beat them, join them, so I watched the shows with him and sure enough, these pre-teen shows like jake & josh, icarly, etc. the adults are portrayed as idiots and buffoons and the kids are in charge, that explained some of his behavior but not all of it. Just this morning he was late for school over a meltdown over what my wife prepared for lunch, everyday it's something, we are both very worn out. When we put our foot down it only escalates his nastiness.

[Suzanne39]

And I think he thinks he can have "powers" like they do in tv shows, in video games, etc. etc.
At this age, I think he is trying to gain more control over me. I am putting that to an end.
I feel like our whole relationship changed.. I don't know how to be forceful and playful at the same time.